Top Ten Songs by Eddie Money

I kind of did this video as a joke. But, then again, I kind of didn't:

Top Ten Funniest Jokes From Robin Hood: Men in Tights (Video)

Why not? Somebody had to do it:

Top Ten Episodes of Tales From the Crypt (Video)

This took forever to put together, but check it out because I think it's pretty good. It's a list of my top ten favorite episodes of one of my all time favorite TV shows, HBO's classic Tales From the Crypt:

Top 10 Indiana Jones Death Scenes Video

I actually wrote this list a few years ago, but I decided to edit it together as a video. And, yes, that is my real voice. And, no, I'm not happy with it either. Anyway, let me know what you think:

The Voice

I don't know how to sing... and I mean that literally. It's not just that I'm a bad singer, but that I don't understand how singing works or how to make that kind of sound come out of my mouth. The best I can do is talk at a slightly higher pitch than I normally use for speaking, and hope that they words come out in some kind of rhythm... whatever that is. I have had people tell me I'm tone deaf, which I suppose must be true because I don't really understand what that means. What's a tone?

But boy do I love music, especially the sound of a great singer's voice. If I had one wish, it might be to have a great, soaring, lyrical voice like everybody else in the entire world seems to have. To me, that's about as unobtainable a super power as flight or invisibility.

Anyway, just for fun, I'm going to count down the ten singers whose voices I most wish I had. These are the people who, when I try to sing, it's their voices that I assume must be coming out of my mouth, even though the faces of the people around me tell me otherwise. Anyway, these are just the ten singers who I wish I could sing like, in descending order from awesome to even more awesome:


10. Jackson Browne

Top Ten Best Movie Monsters

I like monsters. The bigger the better. Put a monster in your movie and I'll go see it. Serve me a Monster Energy Drink and a Monster Cookie and I'll have a perfect evening's entertainment. Anyway, just for fun, I'm going to count down my top ten favorite movie monsters. Why not?

And keep in mind this isn't meant to be any kind of historical write up on the film industry's most memorable, important, or influential monsters. These are just the ten that I like the best, either because they scare me the most or just look the coolest. Also, I'm excluding dragons from this list, because dragons aren't really monsters, they're dragons. That's a whole 'nother list all together, and one I'm sure I'll get to sooner or later.

10. Gamera

Gamera is a giant turtle who walks on two legs, has giant fangs, can breathe fire, and flies. He's also totally awesome. He's the star of about a dozen movies, although he's far better known in Japan than he is over here. Gamera is the friend of children everywhere. 

9. Shelob

Shelob is a giant spider who lives in the mountains that border the land of Mordor in the Lord of the Rings novels and films. She is a being of pure evil who has lived for thousands of years feasting on those foolish enough to enter into her cave. She's disgusting, terrifying, and absolutely awful. There isn't nearly enough of her in Peter Jackson's third Lord of the Rings film Return of the King, but maybe that's for the best because what little of here we do see is horrifying.  


8. The Alien

The Alien (or xenomorph as it has come to be called) from the Alien film series is a masterwork of design. The look was created by H. R. Giger, and it is absolutely outstanding and incredibly scary. In fact, the alien would've scored a lot higher on this list, if only it had been giant-sized. It is very scary, however, and much of the success of the film, as well as the indelible impression the character has made on popular culture, is because of Giger's amazing visual design. 

7. Giant Squid

The Giant Squid from 20000 Leagues Under the Sea was totally awesome, but I think I maybe remember the one from the ride at Disney Land better than I do the one from the movie. Both are very good, however, even if the Squid effects haven't really help up so well over the years. As great as that film is, somebody should remake it already, so the story is more faithful to the original novel by Jules Verne, and so the Squid looks even more bad ass. 

6. Medusa

I don't care who you are or where you're from, The Medusa from the original Clash of the Titans scared the crap out of you the first time you saw it. This was some of the best work by Ray Harryhausen, the greatest stop motion animator in the history of film. This entire film was filled with his amazing work (including the Kraken, Pegasus, Bubo the Owl, and many more), but Medusa is my favorite because she's totally awesome.

5. Rancor

Back before everything went CG, the Star Wars films used to have lots of stop motion effects and puppets, the best of which was the Rancor from Return of the Jedi. No matter how old I get or how many times I watch this scene, it never stops being cool.

4. Dinosaurs from Jurassic Park

Is this cheating? I just can't pick a favorite! Anyway, everybody knows there's nothing in the world cooler than a dinosaur. The only reason the amazing dinosaurs from the Jurassic Park movies (that's right... of them from all three movies. The sequels may have been awful, but the dinosaurs were still awesome) didn't make the top spot was because, cool as they are, dinosaurs are real. Well, they used to be, anyway. 

3. Talos

Another awesome stop motion monster by Ray Harryhausen. Talos was the giant bronze colossus that came to life and attacked the heroes in the film Jason and the Argonauts. If you've never seen this movie, go rent it as soon as possible because it's amazing and full of Harryhausen's best work, including Talso himself and the army of skeleton warriors that attack the Argonauts.

2. King Kong

Now we're getting to the real classics. All those other monsters are awesome, but King Kong is bad ass. Everybody knows and loves King Kong, including all of the people who haven't seen any of the movies. Though, to be sure, there's only one King Kong movie, and it came out in 1933, was in black and white, and was filmed with stop motion animation (mostly!). The Peter Jackson version is very nice looking and well animated in full CG, but the movie is terrible, and the character is lacking in charm. King Kong is without a doubt the greatest American movie monster of all time...

1. Godzilla

Who'd you think was going to win this thing? Charlize Theron? Godzilla is the king of all monsters, and with good reason. Godzilla has starred in about 30 films spanning almost sixty years, making him perhaps the most popular film character of all time, monster or not. By comparison, James Bond has only appeared in about 22 films spanning about fifty years. Oh, and Godzilla could eat all six James Bond actors and still have room for everybody who's ever appeared as Sherlock Holmes, Hamlet, or Orson Welles. Godzilla is just the greatest movie monster of all time.

And, yes, he did fight King Kong.

Top Ten Zombie Movies

In anticipation of the release of Zombieland this Friday, I figured I'd take this opportunity to finally compile my definitive list of the top ten best zombie movies. I have high hopes for this movie -- which looks to be little more than two hours of Woodie Harrelson killing zombies and making jokes -- and hope it can find a place on the second version of this list.

10. Land of the Dead
This isn't the weakest of George Romero's still-chugging-along series of zombie movies, but it is the least brilliant of all his good ones. But it is a good one, even though it pales in comparison to Romero's original trilogy of film. There are some great set pieces in this film and contains Romero's trademark direction and snappy dialogue. It's also notable for being the first -- and, at this point, only -- Romero zombie film that has actual actors you'd ever recognize from any other film, including Dennis Hopper as the biggest douche bag ever.

9. Dawn of the Dead (Remake)
Considering my love for the original Dawn of the Dead, I had no faith that this film would be anything more than an insult to fans like me. Luckily, I was dead wrong. All of the subtext, substance, and social commentary from the original are stripped away in favor of nonstop, gore, action, and thrills, but who really cared about any of that crap anyway? I love Romero's movies, but I don't watch zombie movies for any kind of commentary on the human condition. I want to watch people's heads blow up.



8. Evil Dead Trilogy
All things considered, these films (the first two in particular) are absolutely brilliant and should rank higher in terms of quality than most of the other films on this list, but I held it back to #8 because they are only zombie movies in the most literal sense. I'm probably even risking a lot of flack for including them on this list at all. But come on... the monsters in this movie are reanimated corpses called "deadites." They're zombies. Anyway, these movies are brilliant, incredibly funny, and wickedly scary.

7. Zombi 2
I'm going to attempt to tell you the weird, convoluted history of Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2:

To begin with, there was no real film called Zombi, so Zombi 2 isn't actually a sequel to anything. George Romero's Dawn of the Dead was released in Italy as "Zombi," so (long story short) Italian filmmaker Lucio Fulci decided to make a zombie film and call it "Zombi 2." I'm going to give that some time to sink into your brain. But, regardless of its odd and somewhat disingenuous origin, it's still an awesome zombie movie. It's a bit slow and has way too many scenes of people talking (when they should be getting eaten by zombies), but it's an absolutely must see for two scenes:

#1. The scene where the zombie shoves a woman's face so a giant splinter of wood goes right into her eyeball is quite possibly the most gory, disgusting thing I've ever seen. It's absolutely incredible. It's the kind of scene you'll have to rewind a dozen times after seeing it for the first time. If you're into that sort of that, that is.

#2. There's a scene where a zombie fights a shark. And I'm pretty sure it's real. I don't mean that an actual zombie fought a shark, but that a guy dressed like a zombie got into a tank and slapped around an actual shark. I've seen this movie a few dozen times and there's no other possible way they could've filmed it. That's an actual actor pushing around and biting a real shark. It's just about the best scene in zombie movie history.



6. 28 Days/Weeks Later
Yeah, I know the "zombies" in this movie are infected with some virus and aren't actually the living dead, but whatever. They're zombies. I lumped these two films together because, frankly, neither one has enough action, gore, and scares to stand alone against the other films on this list, but when taken together, they are quite satisfying and complimentary companion pieces. Both films have amazing first halves but falter a bit toward their ends, but they are still incredibly gripping, incredibly thrilling zombie films. I like 'em.

5. Shaun of the Dead
For the most part, I'm not a fan of "funny" zombie movies, of which there have been a great many over the years. They usually aren't very funny or the least bit original... but this one is both. I think what sets this film apart from the other "funny" zombie movies is that it isn't really a parody so much as a comedy that stands alone as something funny all by itself. You don't have to know the cliches of the genre to enjoy the jokes in this movie, since it's just a straight up hilarious comedy. And then, somewhere toward the end, it actually gets incredibly tense and pretty scary as well. And there's some really fresh ideas and a lot of gore.



4. Dawn of the Dead (Original)
Not much to say about this one, other than that it's probably most people's pick for the best zombie film of all time. I love it to be sure, but it's obviously not my all time favorite since it's only at #4, but number #4 of all time is still really, really exceptional.

This film is just brilliant. It has become so popular and beloved because -- zombies and gore aside -- it's just a great story that's well told. After the first Dead film, Romero decided to write a sequel where, for all intents and purposes, the zombies had won and taken over the world. This was a brave, bold choice and this was a brave, bold movie. Just watch it. It's a lot of fun. It's just too bad Romero didn't really know how to end it.

3. Return of the Living Dead
This movie is both the funniest and the scariest zombie movie I've ever seen. Even more so than Shaun of the Dead, this film finds the perfect balance between over the top, almost cartoonish scenes of pure slapstick comedy, and the overall tone that is just incredibly claustrophobic, unsettling, and depressing. The zombies in this movie eat brains because, we are told, being a zombie is pure agony and only the taste of brains gives them any comfort at all. Also, once your a zombie in this film, you're a zombie forever. Shots to the head just slow these zombies down. The only way to stop them is to burn them, but even that causes more trouble than it's worth. The world presented in this film is the single bleakest, most terrifying universe I've ever seen.

Well, except for the scene where the hot punk chick does a striptease in the cemetery. That scene was pretty inspiring.



2. Day of the Dead
Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead introduced us to the zombie plague and let us know how some of the population were dealing with things. Day of the Dead lets us know what the military is doing about it, and it sure ain't much. This movie is just crazy good, and it's a completely underrated masterpiece in my opinion. Night and Dawn are rightly deserving of their place as acclaimed works of horror art, but nobody cares about Day, even though it's the most exciting and clever zombie film ever made. It's just an epic film full of amazing characters and brilliant ideas.

It also has the best death scene in movie history:



1. Night of the Living Dead
NOTLD is the Citizen Kane of zombie movies. It didn't invent zombies or even create the genre of films, but it popularized them and introduced the main tropes for which the genre is most well known. But who cares about that? It's just a good movie. It's scary and engaging and fascinating and funny and sad and awe-inspiring.

It's Night of the Living Dead. It's just the best zombie movie ever made, which means it's one of the best movies ever made.

Top Five Worthless G.I. Joe Characters

Just for fun, here are five G.I. Joe characters who are completely worthless.

Sci-Fi

Personally, I think a guy with a big laser would be awesome to have at your back during a battle, but not according to my childhood friend Johnathan Kovatch. According to him, Scifi was totally lame.

When I first got Sci-Fi and brought him over to Johnathan's house, he thought it was as cool figure.

"So his backpack is full of bullets and they load by going though this wire into his gun?" He asked.

"No. He has a laser gun. That's some kind of power pack."

"What?! I'm not playing with a guy who uses lasers! That's unbelievable! He has bullets and they travel through his pack into his gun!"

I haven't seen Johnathan Kovatch in about 20 years, but if he's reading this... he can go to hell.


Sneak Peek

This is a real character. Sneak Peek is an "advanced recon" specialist who carries around some giant device that looks like the kind of thing tourists look through to get a better view of the Statue of Liberty or Mount Rushmore.

"Hey, do you guys think you're going to need to see over a lot of walls?"

"Uh... maybe."

"Awesome! Let me get me scope. Wait... who's got, like, a shit load of quarters?"





The Driver of the Bridgelayer

It's like a tank... that lays a bridge over a chasm. I'm guessing that comes in handy maybe once a decade.















Snow Job

"Going on a mission, huh? Can I help?"

"Yeah, ok."

"Is it in Antarctica?"

"No."

"Alaska?"

"No."

"Siberia?"

"No"

"The North Pole?"

"No."

"Uh... Northern Minnesota in the Winter?"

"No."

"Upstate New York?"

"No. Actually, we're going to Iraq."

"I'll sit this one out."

"Or you could, you know... change."

"What do you mean?"

"... Forget it. See you later, Snow Job."

Quick Kick

"Hey, Duke! I heard you're going on a mission. You're probably gonna need an expert at the martial arts!"

"Uh, yeah. Snake Eyes already agreed to come. He's kind of a ninja."

"Oh. But how quick are his kicks? As quick as this?" (WHOOSH!)

"Uh, yeah. He kicks pretty good. And he's got a gun, so... you know. Thanks anyway."

"Do you have any missions for me?"

"I wouldn't mind a danish. Want to run next door to the Super America and get me one?"

"... Ok. Let me go put on a shirt."


Hardball

I got no idea what to say about this asshole.

Top 10 G.I. Joe Characters

In honor of the recently released new G.I. Joe film, I'd like to get things back to basics by talking about the real G.I. Joe. The new movie is fun and all, but it just didn't have the charm, wit, or originality we all came to expect from the cartoon and comics. Most of that has to do with the fact that the best characters didn't make it into the film, and those that did weren't really portrayed with much accuracy or fidelity to the source material.

So here, without any further ado, are my picks for the top ten G.I. Joe characters ever:

10. Flint

Here's all you really need to know about Flint: He wears a beret and he's (probably) bangin' Lady Jaye. You could even turn that into a poem somehow if you really wanted to.

Flint is just a good solider, a hit with the ladies, a great friend, and a born leader. He's kind of like the Commander Riker of the G.I. Joe unit. Sure, it would be cool as hell to be Duke or Captain Picard, but at the end of the day, wouldn't you really rather be Flint or Riker? They weren't really in command, but they still seemed like they had way more fun.


9. Stalker

Stalker almost doesn't fit in G.I. Joe because he's, like, and actual soldier or something. There's just something believable about him, as though he actually belongs in US military operation. I suppose it helps that he's wearing a normal enough costume and actually has talents and specialties that make him sound like a real soldier. No gimmicks here, he's just a real, old fashioned solider.

Stalker would've been perfect for the new G.I. Joe film, and I can't help but daydream about how awesome Wesley Snipes would've been. And now, you will too. Here's hoping the people writing the sequel are reading this blog.


8. Bazooka and Alpine

Taken on their own, both of these characters are likable enough, but not really all that special all things considered. One is a guy who's really good at climbing stuff while the other one carries around a, um, bazooka. I'll leave it to you to figure out which is which.

But for some reason the writers of the TV show made these guys into a brilliant comedy team who had some of the best moments in the entire history of the show. They were just hilarious every time they came on screen.

Oh, and Alpine's real name is Albert Pine. That's just funny right there.


7. Gun Ho

Gung Ho's specialty is that he's a Marine, which makes one wonder why he isn't in the Marines. But whatever. We're talking about G.I. Joe, here, and Gung Ho is one of the toughest and most charismatic of all.

Like most of the Joes, he ostensibly has some talent that distinguishes him enough to be the best in his particular field, but in reality he's just a big guy who's good at beating people up. That's why the Gung Ho stories were always better than, say, the stories about Ripcord. How many times can you really watch somebody jump out of an airplane?

Oh, and he always loved making gumbo for the troops, much to their dismay because he was a horrible cook. Ah, what fun those Joes had!


6. Chuckles

Fans of the cartoon only probably don't know much about Chuckles, since I'm pretty sure his only real appearance was in the animated movie, and even then it was only for a few minutes. All I remember is him picking up a missile and throwing it at some Cobra soldiers.

But it was the action figure that made Chuckles one of my favorites. He's just some guy with a handgun and a Hawaiian shirt. How cool is that? G.I. Joe has the most lax dress code imaginable. It makes me wonder what Chuckles wears to the Pitt on casual Fridays.


5. Scarlett

Scarlett is more than just a pretty face. As one of the few female members of G.I. Joe, she's also one of the toughest of the entire bunch. She's an expert in martial arts and uses a crossbow as her weapon of choice.

Oh, and she's really pretty too. If you were a child of the 80s, you had to make a mental choice: side with G.I. Joe because you're in love with Scarlett or betray all of your principles and join Cobra because you're in love with the Baroness. Later, children of the 90s had to make that same choice between Kelly and Jessie from Saved by the Bell. Just kidding. Nobody ever chose Jessie.


4. Roadblock

From an adult's perspective, I honestly don't know if Roadblock was a racist or stereotypical depiction of an African American. As a kid, he was just a big, strong black guy who talked in rhyme and loved soul cooking. Very few people would argue that all African Americans act that way, though I think the world would be a more awesome place if everybody acted that way. Long story short, Roadblock was awesome.

His specialty was... um... carrying around a big gun. But, honestly, wouldn't you rather have him at your back than, say, Snow Job?


3. Duke

Duke is a born leader. But like the best kinds of leaders, he leads by example, so he's not some armchair general sending his soldiers off to fight and die for king and country, he's right there in the fray. Duke is probably the first solider on the battlefield and the last one to leave. I'd follow Duke into battle, and so would you.

In the cartoon, there was a hinted at relationship between Duke and Scarlett, the hottest babe on the planet. In the original animated movie, Duke took a (snake) arrow through the heart in order to save his brother Falcon... and lived! It'll take a lot more than some snake arrow to stop a man like Duke.


2. Snake Eyes

Snake Eyes is a bad ass, mute ninja dressed in a full body suit who never talks, never shows his face, and has yet to even reveal his name. The Snake Eyes figure came with a gun, a sword, and a timberwolf. That's just awesome.

The cartoon never really knew what do to with Snake Eyes, since the entire concept of a Ninja fighting for the Joes just seemed a little too violent and over the top for Saturday morning viewing, but in the comic book he was really allowed to shine. He was a Vietnam Vet who trained martial arts in the Arishikage Clan, where he first met and befriended Storm Shadow.

Oh, and Duke may have gotten Scarlett in the cartoon, but Snake Eyes got her in the comic.


1. Shipwreck

There's just something about Shipwreck. First of all, he's a sailor... called "Shipwreck." That's just bad ass. Imagine if you got on a plane and you heard a voice over the intercom that said, "This is your pilot Planecrash..." His irony isn't limited to his codename, since every line out of his mouth is loaded with sarcasm, put downs, or some other form of witticism. He's just a jaded, battle-hardened soldier who's seen everything and come out alive.

And he made it to G.I. Joe so he must be, like, an incredible sailor too. But Shipwreck was so bad ass, he almost never even set foot on a boat. They always sent him to the desert or the North Pole or any other damn place where Cobra needed a good ass-kicking.

Oh, and he's always accompanied by his talking parrot named Polly, who's an even bigger jerk than Shipwreck.