Total Recall Teaser

So unless I'm mistaken, this is just a trailer for the upcoming trailer for the upcoming remake of Total Recall. Weird. As a trailer for a trailer, it's got me intrigued. This certainly looks like it's going to be a pretty awesome trailer. I'll be sure to tune in on Sunday... wherever.

Anyway, looks cool.

No, I'm Not Going to Read The Hunger Games...

The Hunger Lames

... just like I didn't read the Harry Potter novels. Thanks for asking, but I'm just not interested.

This post is for no one in particular (and certainly not for any of the dozens of people who have encouraged me to read these books, along with whatever other series happens to be popular at the time), but just something I wanted to share with the world.

I know of The Hunger Games. I've read the back of the books, looked at the wikipedia page for the series, and even sat down at a book store recently and read most of the first chapter of the first novel. They're not for me, and I'll tell you why: I've already these stories. I don't mean to say that I've read this particular series of novels by Suzanne Collins, just that as a life-long science fiction fan, I have read dozens of novels and short stories that have already dealt with the same tropes, plots, and ideas as these books. I'm pretty sure Issac Asimov covered everything that happened in all four of those novels in a single short story he wrote some time in the fifties or sixties. That isn't to say that The Hunger Games are derivative, poorly written, or lacking in substance or originality (how would I know?). I'm sure they are wonderful books that are very entertaining for people who haven't grown up reading these kinds of stories.

All I'm saying is that The Hunger Games are science fiction stories for people who don't like science fiction.

Just like the Harry Potter novels were fantasy for people who don't like fantasy.

Just like Twilight was horror for people who ... actually, I'm not sure who Twilight was for.

But anyway, no, I'm not going to read The Hunger Games. I like sci-fi and I like fantasy, so I've read stories that deal with the same ideas and themes, only better and written for adults. I'm glad that The Hunger Games and Harry Potter exist, of course, since they have given so many people so much enjoyment. And, I suppose, to a certain extent they have offered more opportunities for people to write and publish real science fiction and fantasy. I don't begrudge the success of these franchises, and I love the fact that they allow nongeeks a glimpse into what real geeks love about sci-fi and fantasy, even if they will never actually read anything else from either genre.

But, please, don't ask me to read them, because I'm just not interested. 

Real Steel

I liked this movie, I thought it was incredibly entertaining, and I recommend checking it out if all you want is a fun movie with heart, action, and great special effects.

Now, I told you that so I could tell you this: Real Steel is probably one of the dumbest movies ever made. This is ostensibly a science fiction film that posits a world ten years into our future that is virtually identical to our present, aside from the fact that robot boxing is now the most popular sport in the country. I don't doubt the appeal of robot boxing, since I rented this movie specifically because I wanted to watch robots boxing, but I don't understand why nothing else is different or changed. Human boxing has been pretty much unchanged for the past couple hundred years while other technologies have moved on, so it seems contrary to reason and logic and science to show a society where nothing but boxing has evolved. Computers seemed to be the same, cars look identical to ours, buildings and roads and even fashion seem the same that we have today. And yet there are robots, but they only seem to be used for boxing.

I think I've made my point and then some. This is a society that simply makes no sense. However, it's definitely a society I enjoyed watching, all though I'll admit the two hour plus running time had be fidgeting on my whenever the film wasn't focused on robots boxing.

So why are the robots boxing instead of humans? Well, according to a monologue given by Hugh Jackman during the midpoint of the film, humans had taken combat between two men as far as it could possibly go, so the only logical next step was to let machines start to kill each other. This is dumb for some many different reasons. First of all, robots don't bleed, so watching them punch each other will never be as satisfying for some people as watching humans destroy other humans. Nobody watches boxing for a logical reason or because they want to see a victor triumph over a competitor. People watch boxing because they want to see two people beat the crap out of one another, with the possibility that one might even die. Robots wouldn't really pack that kind of thrill, certainly not the radio controlled kind in this movie. They have eyes and hands but no real personality.

Here's another reason why I know robot boxing will never replace human boxing: There are six Rocky films. How much you want to be there will only be one Real Steel film?

But I will admit that robot boxing is certainly fun to watch, and this film has as lot of it. The computer effects are amazing and the designs of the robots are pretty cool. This is a neat movie with lots of robots hitting each other. I can't stress that point enough, and that's a good thing in case I'm being unclear.

There's also some nonsense about Hugh Jackman as a broken down ex fighter who's now controlling one of the robots, who also happens to be the only link that remains between him and his estranged son. And Evangeline Lily of Lost fame is also in there as Jackman's love interest. Both of them are very, very good looking, but neither is all that good of an actor. Then again, this script wasn't exactly Shakespearean in its depth or complexity. But Hugh did make a pretty convincing boxer.

Anyway... Real Steel. Check it out if you want to watch some really awesome robot fights, but just be aware that it's really dumb and about thirty minutes longer than it had to be.

(Robots) Wouldn't Want to be Like You: A Video Tribute to the Greatest Robots of All Time

Here's a video tribute I put together in honor of my favorite robots, androids, cyborgs, and artificial humans from film and TV, and of the Alan Parsons Project album I Robot.

Why? Why not?

Escape From the Planet of the Apes Review (Video)

Three days into my Planet of the Apes week-long marathon, and I'm starting to go a little bananas. Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, here's my review of Escape From the Planet of the Apes:

Mass Effect 2

This was a very good -- probably even great -- game that just didn't live up to all the hype. If you believe most reviewers, this wasn't just the best game of 2010, but maybe the greatest title in the history of the videogame industry. I read reviews calling it perfect, a masterpiece, and totally and completely superior to the original game. I certainly enjoyed and it have no regrets about buying it and playing through it, but I still liked the first one better, since for every advance that leaped this one forward , it still took one or two steps back in other ways.

Mass Effect 2 takes place right after the epic finale of the first game, shaking things up with the death of the main character and the destruction of the Normandy, the starship we called home over the entire first game. Of course, within minutes, your character is resurrected and the ship is put back together, with a new artificial intelligence system being the only noticeable change. Those two things kind of became the hallmark of this game's plot: Lots of stuff happens, that ultimately mean nothing and have zero impact on anything. The entire game itself lacks any kind of real forward momentum, overall story arc, or ultimate conclusion. There is little more than a retread of the Collector/Reaper threat from the first game, but this time around we get no real main villain to follow or care about. The actual focus on the game play is 90% spent on assembling various crew members, until you finally reach a point where the game decides the actual story should start, at which point it ends after one mission. All things considered, this game's story is really poorly told and fairly boring and unengaging.

But at least the gameplay is awesome, upping the action and tweaked the controls from Mass Effect 1. Battles were often a chore in that game, since the cover system was somewhat broken and the aiming often felt off. This time around, the game is a true action masterpiece, with gameplay that gives the Gears of War franchise a close run for the money. There are a lot of weapons and "spells" to use, but I pretty much only used the battle and sniper riffles, finding no real use for anything else. Also, leveling up and finding items felt like more of a formality than anything else, since I never got much of a feeling of upgrading or leveling up at all. Also, the graphics are improved over the first game, having the same impeccable design, but with none of the stuttering or graphical tearing we saw before, although the level design was still boring, featuring totally linear paths through waves of the same four or five enemy designs that we kept seeing over, and over again.

So, I liked this game, since the graphics are fantastic, the action is fierce, and the overall sci-fi setting is a geek's dream. But I didn't love this game, because the story was poorly told and lacked dramatic thrust, the enemies were lame, and it did put too much of an emphasis on the action at the sacrifice of the RPG elements. But if you loved the first game, playing through this sequel is a no brainer that you won't regret.

Tron: Legacy

Well, I thought this was awesome.

I meant to see this in the theater, since the trailers looked awesome and because I'm marginally a fan of the original film. However, I'm an adult with a job and a girlfriend, so Imjust never managed to find the time until it was too late, but I rented it as soon as it came out on Blu Ray. Needless to say, I thought it was great, and I regret missing it in the theater in its full 3D glory. If they make a third film, I'll be the first in line. Unless, you know, I have something important to do, like getting my tabs renewed at the Department of Motor Vehicles, or going grocery shopping, or something else that comes up that I can't avoid. Frankly, being an adult sucks.

I'd much rather leave this life behind me and jack into the digital grid of Tron, like Sam Flynn did, the character played by actor Garrett Hedlund in Tron: Legacy. The world of the grid is like our world but better, with cooler body suits that are fully illuminated, better landscapes where the buildings look like circuits on a motherboard, all of the women have an otherworldly beauty, and all everybody seems to do all day is play cool video games and ride around on awesome light cycles. All things considered, my life is ok, but it's a safe bet there's no DMV in the world of Tron. There is just a totalitarian leader who is bent on eliminating everything and everyone that isn't perfect in the hopes of creating a true, digital utopia. So I guess it's a real toss up.

Of course, I can't jack into the world of Tron, but being able to watch a film about a guy who does is a good compromise. As films go, this isn't up there with Citizen Kane or the King's Speech. If what you want is a moving story with lots of commentary on the human condition, go rent My Dinner With Andre. If what you want is to see an amazing visual tour de force with exceptional set pieces and pioneering special effects, well, this is the best film you'll see all year. In an era where every film is chock full of computer generated effects, Tron: Legacy still manages to see as fresh and visually original as the original film was when it was released almost thirty years ago.

As sequels go, this was pretty much perfect, in that it honored the original while still being able to stand alone on its own terms. Bruce Boxleitner and Jeff Bridges both reprise their roles from the first film, although Jeff Bridges has a starring role while Boxleitner's is close to a cameo. I would rather have seen a bigger role for Boxleitner, since he's just a cool actor and because he *is* Tron, but I can understand why they focused instead on Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, and the amazing Olivia Wilde. Jeff Bridges appears both as the aged version of Kevin Flynn in the first film, as well as the digital representation found in the grid where he looks just like he did in 1982. The film somehow used digital technology to de-age Bridges in this role, and while it isn't perfect at all (in fact, when you first see him on screen, it's really strange and off putting), it's still very cool and extremely well done.

The star of the Garrett Hedlund, however, as the son of Bridges's character who enters the digital grid in the hopes of saving his father. Hedlund took a beating in many of the reviews and user comments I read after seeing the film, but I thought he was great. His role was fairly underwritten and he wasn't given much emoting to do, but he was pretty charming and likable, and fun to watch through out. Even better was Olivia Wilde as the love interest he meets in the computer world. I had never seen this actress before, but she was a wonderful actress, and maybe the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Best of all was Michael Sheen as Zuse, who played the character as thought he was in a Ziggy Stardust video.

And don't be afraid if you haven't already seen the original Tron. That movie made no sense, and neither did this one, so seeing one won't help much to decipher the other. However, both are beautiful and exciting in their own way, but I actually think this sequel works better, is more entertaining, and has more exciting action sequences. Just check it out. I give it two thumbs up, even if only for the awesome soundtrack by Daft Punk.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Why are they making a prequel to the Planet of the Apes? Or, should I ask, why are they making another prequel, since the original film already had a prequel film called Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, which was actually a pretty good film. The entire Ape series has a pretty clearly defined time line that shows what happened between the present up to the future, where the original film takes place. That time line was paradoxical, however, since the original film established the apes as mutants that evolved after the humans killed themselves off in a nuclear war (or some other kind of apocalypse), while the sequels involve time travel to explain where the intelligent race of apes came from, but that's a discussion for another blog post that I'm sure I'll go to someday. Anyway, this new film begs the question of whether it's a prequel to the original film or that awful Tim Burton remake from a few years back.

But whatever. This actually looks like a pretty cool maniac-monkey movie, but don't confuse it with an actual Planet of the Apes movie, which this absolutely is not. However, the special effects look amazing and it'll probably have some cool ape attack scenes.

Star Trek: The Next Generation Retrospective Retrospective

Well, that's done, and every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation received at least a brief review and rating. Just for fun, I'm going to look at the scores I gave to each episode and season and rank things over all. And, of course, remember that there is nothing scientific about any of this, and my basic three tiered rating system (based on Skip it, Watch it, or Buy it) doesn't allow for a lot of nuance.

Out of 177 episodes reviewed, the breakdowns are as follows:

Buy it: 63 episodes (35%)

Watch it: 66 episodes (37%)

Skip it: 48 episodes (27%)

This gives an overall score of 129 episodes (72%) that fall somewhere in the range of good to great. That's a score any long-running series can take pride in.

And then I gave each rating a score, with Skip it getting zero, Watch it getting 1 point, and Buy it getting 2 points. I thought about weighing the Buy it score with three points, but decided that I'd keep things somewhat simple. Here are the seasons ranked from lowest to highest in terms of their overall score:

Season Two: 18 points

Season One: 21 points (tied)

Season Seven: 21 points (tied)

Season Five: 27 points

Season Six: 33 points

Season Four: 34 points

Season Three: 38 points


And all of this proves... nothing.

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Seven Retrospective

1. Descent: Part II
The season opening falls apart almost immediately. The interesting premise set up in the previous season's cliff-hanger just wasn't played out well at all. This is just a jumbled mess.
Skip it

2. Liaisons
An alien race sends different liaisons to the Enterprise in order to learn about different human (and nonhuman) emotions. Fun, clever episode, especially in the scenes where the one guy keeps trying to piss off Worf.
Watch it

3. Interface
Another episode where Geordie pines for a woman he can never be with. This time, it's his mother. Weird!
Skip it

4./5. Gambit: Parts I & II
This season's action story. I'm not so sure that the story had to be stretched across two parts, but both are pretty darn entertaining and fun. 
Watch it

6. Phantasms
Data's dream program begins to give him nightmares. Meh.
Skip it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Six Retrospective

1. Time's Arrow: Part II
The crew reunite in 19th century California, team up with Sam Clemens, meet Guinan for the first time, and stop the aliens from preying on the dying miners. This is good stuff, I don't care what anybody says. Oddly enough, after his experiences on the Enterprise, Mark Twain never writes an episode of Star Trek.
Buy it

2. Realm of Fear
Lt Barclay is back, and this time he's paranoid about the transporter and thinks he's developed some psychosis. Barclay is always fun, but this one is pretty lame.
Skip it

3. Man of the People
Troi falls in love with another loser. This time around, she hooks up with some guy who leaches off her energy and turns her into a bitter, decrepit old woman. This isn't bad for a Troi episode, but it's not that great.
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Five Retrospective

1. Redemption: Part II
This is the rare Next Generation season opener where the conclusion is way better than the cliff-hanger that preceded it. This was an ok two-parter that worked mostly for the little moments than for the over-all story. My favorite part of this episode is for the scenes where Data takes his first command during the battle against the Romulans and saves the day at the end. Other than that, meh.
Watch it

2. Darmok
Picard and crew have to learn to communicate with an alien race that uses metaphor as their language. This is a very difficult episode to explain, but it's one of the all time best science fiction stories I've ever seen, Star Trek or otherwise. Love it.
Buy it

3. Ensign Ro
Michelle Forbes joins the cast as the rebellious Ensign Ro. Forbes is a beautiful, talented actress, but this character never worked for me. She was worked in to add more edge and friction to the otherwise happy and friendly cast, but it just always seemed forced, and her anger and intensity was more annoying than anything else. But... Forbes usually made the character work because she really was a great actress. This episode was also notable for being the first appearance of the Bajorians, and the story laid the groundwork for the entire premise of Deep Space Nine
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Four Retrospective

The changes from season three to season three aren't as dramatic as those from the first to the second or the second to the third. Basically, the show found its voice in season three, so season four was just a continuation of the same. This season was a little more uneven than the third, but it's still a great season with some classic episodes.

Let's take a look:

1. The Best of Both Worlds: Part 2
While not as epic as the previous season-ending cliffhanger, this was still a satisfying conclusion that tied up the story as well as anybody could've hoped. Not much to say about this one, other than that it was a good second half to the story.
Buy it

2. Family
Star Trek slows things down a little and lets the characters do some family bonding. After getting kidnapped by the Borg and forced to join their collective, Picard takes some time off from being a Starship captain and stays with his brother's family at their vineyard in France. This is the kind of story where the promos probably said something like, "on a very special episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation..." And it really is, since I don't think there's really anything science fiction about it, other than that it takes place in the future. This is just a quiet, emotional story where the characters (as well as the audience) are allowed to take a break from the excitement and turmoil of the previous episode before continuing on with the rest of the season. This isn't one I rewatch too often, but it is very good.
Watch it

3. Brothers
This episode features the return of Data's "brother" Lore, whom we haven't seen since season one. This episode centers around the reunion of Data, Lore, and their creator, Noonien Soong, all of whom were played by actor Brent Spiner. I like Lore and I always enjoy watching Brent Spiner play multiple characters, so this is a favorite of mine, but it's only worth watching if you're a fan of the show's mythology. There is very little here to entice first time viewers.
Watch it

4. Suddenly Human
The Enterprise finds some aliens who have raised a human kid as one of their own. This is an ok episode that is notable for featuring a cool performance by genre star Sherman Howard. Other than that, it's kind of weak.
Skip it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Three Retrospective

All things being equal, this is where Star Trek: The Next Generation went from being ok to actually good, and perhaps even great. What started as a pretty ok attempt to spin-off a Strek Trek series from the Original Series took a few missteps in the first couple of seasons, but it slowly found its own identity and point of view as a great series in its own right with the third season.

This season brought us new and improved costumes and the return of Doctor Beverly Crusher. It also gave us one of the best overall seasons of the entire series.

Let's take a look:

1. Evolution
I don't love how they opened up the season with a Wesley episode, but at least it's one of the better ones. It's basically a story about how Wesley is smart, and deals with how his mother relates to him and how he fits in on the ship. Or something. It's a fine episode, but every Wesley episode should end with him getting punched.
Watch it

2. The Ensigns of Command
Data is tasked with convincing a human colony to abandon the planet on which they settled because it is about to be wiped out be the aliens in whose space it belongs. This is a great episode with a clever story and a wonderful performance by Brent Spiner.
Buy it

3. The Survivors
The Enterprise visits a planet that has been completely decimated by aliens, except for one house that is perfectly intact. This is a good, clever episode. I don't have much to say about this one, but it's very well done.
Watch it

4. Who Watches the Watchers?
This is one of the best episodes in the entire history of Star Trek. The enterprise is studying a planet full of aliens. When they accidentally make their presence known, they are worshiped as gods. This is a great story that was wonderfully executed by the writers, actors, and director.
Buy it

5. The Bonding
A young boy's mother dies during an away mission, and the crew deals with the emotional aftermath. Oh, and they also get attacked by some aliens. This is a very thoughtful, well done episode, but it's also a little dry, if only because it has too much of this kid and not enough of the crew. 
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Two Retrospective

The second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation saw the additions of Pulaski as the new chief medical officer, Whoopie Goldberg as the bartender Guinan, and Commander Riker's beard. We also got another bunch of episodes that were mostly hit or miss.

Let's take a look at Star Trek: The Next Generation season two:

1. The Child
Troi gets knocked up through not quite immaculate conception. Some alien spirit flies into her body and impregnates her so it can learn what it is like to be a human. Or some such nonense. It should've just rented Sleepless in Seattle.
Skip it

2. Where Silence Has Lease
The Enterprise gets trapped by some alien who wants to hold them prisoner forever while he conducts experiments on them. This episode is a frightful bore, although it has its moments maybe. Interesting tidbit: The main alien Nagillum was written for actor Richard Mulligan, whose last name is Nagillum spelled backwards. The character was eventually played by Earl Boen, whom most people probably remember best as the psychiatrist from the first three Terminator movies.
Skip it

3. Elementary, Dear Data
I love this episode, even though it's completely ridiculous. Data and Geordie play on the Holodeck as Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson, when Geordie gets annoyed because Data knows everything and always wins in the first few minutes. Pulaski tells the computer to create a villain that is capable of defeating Data at a game of wits, so it brings to life a self-aware version of Professor Moriarty who takes over the ship.

Seriously, Holodeck? That's what you're going to do? Remind me to never ask the Holodeck to give me a challenging chess opponent, or they might create somebody who'll pull a gun and shoot me in the face if I start to win. But still... this is a very fun episode with a great performance by Daniel Davis as the best version of Moriarty ever.
Buy it

4. The Outrageous Okona
Another ridiculous episode that is still a lot of fun. Billy Campbell plays the titular character, who's a devil may care pilot who flies around the galaxy having sex with lots of hot chicks. That's all he seems to do in this episode anyway. I love this character and I'm still waiting for them to make a series called Star Trek: Okona's Red Shoe Diaries.

The B plot has to do with Data's attempts to gain a sense of humor. He goes on the Holodeck and enlists the help of... Joe Piscopo. Clearly the Holodeck computer has a sense of humor, because there's no other way to explain why it presented Joe Piscopo as the greatest comic mind of the 20th century. Still, his scene was kinda funny.
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season One Retrospective

I'm about to bite off a lot more than I'll probably be able to chew here, but I'm going to attempt to review ever episode from the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. These reviews are going to be very brief, I hope, offering just a small commentary on each one. As far as scores go, I'm going to rate each episode one of three different ratings: Skip it, Watch it, or Buy it, with skip being the worst and buy being the best.

Anyway... let's see how this works out, shall we?

1. Encounter at Farpoint
This was a good pilot episode for what would turn out to be a brilliant TV series. The characters were introduced well, the tone of the series was set, and the story itself was clever and worked as good sci-fi. This was also the first appearance of the show's main antagonist Q, who went on to appearance at least once per season.

When this pilot first aired, I'll admit I found it to be lackluster, if only because it was so much more dramatic and series in tone than the original series, but it has aged incredibly well, not only because it's just a good story, but because the final episode of the series book-ended this pilot so perfectly... but we'll get to that someday. 

Interesting tidbit: This episode featured a cameo by DeForest Kelley (McCoy from the Original Series), setting the standard of having an appearance by a character from the previous series in each new Star Trek show.
Buy it

2. The Naked Now
The crew gets infected by some kind of space virus that causes them to act as though they're drunk. That's the whole story. This episode was based on the Original Series episode The Naked Time. That episode was fantastic, this episode was just silly. It's fun to watch (especially the scene where Data and Yar have sex), but it's pretty dumb and pretty pointless. How did Data get infected by a virus anyway?
Watch it

3. Code of Honor
A Space African kidnaps Tasha Yar in order to add her to his harem. This episode is terrible. Awful story, bad script, terrible acting. One of the worst episodes in the entire series.
Skip it

4. The Last Outpost
The first appearance of the Ferengi, who were originally intended to be the main villains of the series. Needless to say, things didn't turn out as planned. The Ferengi turned out to be a joke, so they immediately became comic interest instead of any kind of major threat. All in all, however, this wasn't a bad episode. 
Watch it

You Got The Touch

This song never stops being awesome:

Total Recall 20th Anniversary

20 years ago today, June 1st, Total Recall had its theatrical premier. I don't have anything clever or insightful to say, I just think this was a seminal event in geek history so it was worth mentioning. Everybody, go and rent Total Recall and relive this awesome movie. It's not available anywhere online for free, but you can watch the entire run of the TV series Total Recall 2070 on Hulu. I can't vouch for this series, since I've never actually watched it, but maybe it's really good? Maybe I'll check it out and report back to you. Or, better yet, somebody else check it out and report back to me.

Or go here and read the entire text of Philip K. Dick's original short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale." This one I can vouch for, and it's... ok. It's Philip K. Dick, which means it's brimming with brilliant ideas and flat, ponderous prose. I used to be a huge fan of his work when I was in highschool, but I grew tired of it. But this one is worth reading, even if it isn't as fun as the movie.

The End of Lost

The ending of Lost has come and gone. I've had about three days and two viewings to think things over and let the series finale settle and sink in to both my brain and my heart. It wasn't the ending I was expecting and it wasn't the ending I wanted, but it was an ending. I'll give them that much. As for whether or not it it was a great send-off to a great show is anybody's guess. What it was was a really good episode of a really brilliant show that had a few fundamental problems that left me feeling a little cold, confused, and upset. In other words, it was Lost.

But while so many episodes of Lost are vexing and confusing and maddening (not to mention brilliant and thoughtful and exhilarating), there was always the promise of more to come, and that all of the answers would finally come at some point. Well, now that we had a definite, absolute ending, that familiar confusion turned into an angry realization that we were now on our own. After my first viewing, I was kind of pissed, not to mention confused about that last scene. But the more I thought about it, talked it over with friends, and rewatched it, I came to understand it more and enjoyed it a lot. But I still thought it was a big let down, if only because the "moral" of the story and the spirituality espoused right at the end was something I simply didn't buy into. But, you know, I liked it.

Oh, and if you haven't seen the last episode yet, don't read this, because I'm going to spoil the shit out of it.

So in order to talk about my fundamental problems with this finale, I have to share my brief interpretation of what the heck it was actually trying to tell us. Everything that took place on the island this season (not to mention everything that took place everywhere every other season) was "real" and took place on, well, Earth. Everything in the "parallel" world was some sort of afterlife where all of the characters went whenever they finally died. It was a sort of limbo that takes place outside of time as we know it, so Boone is there even though he died in season 1 (I think), Jack is there even though he just died, and Sawyer, Kate, et all are there even though they have yet to die at all. And then, at the end, after they all find one another and "wake up" and accept that they are ready to let go of life and move on, they journey together to... the next plain of existence, whatever or wherever that may be. Even the writers of Lost aren't going to attempt to tackle that one.

This little twist and ultimate resolution didn't work for me at all.

First of all, I was kind of annoyed that, after having invested an entire season in this parallel world, it ultimately had no real point other than as misdirection for the audience. I spent so much time trying to figure out how it would all tie in (the bomb, the alternate island on the bottom of the ocean, Desmond's visions, etc) and culminate in the island Losties taking down the smoke monster once and for all, but it just didn't. It was just a trick, which bugged me. But I can't criticize the writers too much for this one, since it was supposed to be a trick. But still, it was annoying to nothing we saw really mattered in that alternate reality until the very last scene in the church.

And then we have the entire cosmology of the show's vision of the afterlife to deal with. Now, I'm not a spiritual man, and I certainly don't believe in any kind of afterlife, but I'm willing to accept different theories and ideas about it in works of fiction. But boy was this one of the dumbest, most depressing visions of any afterlife I've ever heard of. So when we die, we just go to a limbo world for a brief time that is exactly like our old lives, but just with tiny differences here and there? So instead of going to Starbucks every morning to get your coffee, you might actually go to Caribou Coffee over there. And instead of driving a Prius, now you actually drive a Kia. And instead of being an accountant, now you're an actuary. And instead of people watching SNL, they actually watch Mad TV. I could go on and on with this one.

It's for reasons like this that attempts to manifest the metaphysical as physical so often fail in movies and on TV. The idea of the afterlife as a limbo where the world is just a little different and we can't move on until we find all of our old friends makes no sense to me. Jack really couldn't move on to Heaven until he was reunited with people like Boone and Libby? That just didn't strike me on any kind of spiritual or emotional level. It was just too corny, too trite, and too illogical.

And then we have the almost offensive appearance of Christian Shepard as some kind of spiritual adviser (the Virgil to Jack's Dante if you will), who comes in, dumps a bunch of expository dialogue, and then opens a door to some bright light. I'm sorry, writers of Lost, but that function should've been played by Desmond, not Christian. I understand what they were going for -- that it was a call back to season 1 and that Jack was finally reconnecting with his estranged father and blah blah blah -- but it was just stupid and almost offensive because, as characters go, Christian Shepard was a huge piece of shit. He was a bad father, a lousy drunk, and a negligent surgeon who killed at least one patient through his negligence. This guy has no right at all being in any kind of heaven with these character, let alone as some kind of St Peter, acting as God's representative. Sorry, Lost, but you got that one dead wrong.

I suppose it works if you look at the parallel world as just Jack's own limbo after he dies, but that doesn't make sense when you think about how Desmond envisioned it as well. Also, if it was just Jack, why would we have all those other scenes where, you know, Jack wasn't around? No, it was just dumb.

And, finally, forgetting about how their interpretation of the afterlife made no sense for me, why are we even seeing the afterlife at all? That's really how you're going to end your show? With all of the main characters reuniting after they die? They couldn't answer why Walt could kill those birds, how Ben got cancer, what happened to the atomic bomb, and so many other questions, but they did want to settle the whole "what happens after Sawyer dies" question? When people tune in to Two and a Half Men, they aren't thinking about where Charlie and Alan's souls will finally go after they die. And nobody cares about where the Losties' souls are going to go. Get back to the Island already.

But whatever. I began my criticism of the show's view on spirituality by telling you all I'm not the least bit spiritual. So, I guess, what really matters is whether this episode's finale was consistent and true to the show's own internal consistency. Well... sure, but maybe only because she show doesn't really have any internal consistency. This is Lost we're talking about here remember. But, sure, it was trite and overly sentimental and it made little sense to me, but it was well done and executed as well as they probably intended. It was nice to see Boone and Jack hug, even though it was more because the audience was excited to see Ian Summerhalder again and not because Jack ever really gave a shit about Boone.

And that's why the episode worked, because it was a gift to the viewers, and it was really about us moving on and not actually the characters.

Oh, and it was also about the Losties taking down the Smoke Monster! Even forgetting everything that took place in the parallel world (and I intend to), all of the stuff on the Island was awesome. The fight between Jack and Locke was epic. And the actual last scene where Jack dies and closes his eye for the last time was brilliant.

So, looking back, it was a strange episode of a strange series. But it was also brilliant in its own way, even if I had some fundamental problems with their intentions and execution. But it didn't ruin the series for me (which is what I feared after Battlestar's terrible finale totally ruined that entire series for me). After Star Trek, it's still my favorite show of all time. Even if I don't really know where Mother came from, what the Smoke monster is, who the others were, etc. And, of course, they never answered the final question that all Lost fans need answered: What the hell am I going to do on Tuesday nights?

And even this has gone on way too long already, here are a few random observations and nitpicks:




So if Sunn is pregnant with a healthy baby, does that mean when their daughter eventually died, she had to spend eternity in the afterlife as a fetus? Because that's just weird.


And who the hell is Jack's kid then? Is that a real person's soul in the afterlife, or just some kind of afterlife extra being used just to make the people who matter have a better time up there? Same goes for the janitors, cab drivers, and baggage handlers. I'd be pissed if I was forced to spend the afterlife cleaning up Hurley's bathroom.


When Miles is on the phone with Sawyer, he tells him he's at "my dad's museum/concert/benefit thing." Even the writers of this show had no idea what that party was supposed to be. Oh, and how bad of a cop is Miles anyway? An escaped murderer drives by in a bright yellow hummer and he doesn't even think to take down the license plate?


When Claire went into labor, why didn't that guy she told actually, you know, do anything about it? That seemed like a pretty ritzy party with lots of well to do people. Nobody thought to ask if there was a doctor in the house?


Boone is a total dick. Always has been, always will be. If somebody asked me if I wanted to stage a fight so my sister will get slapped by some guy in an alley on the off chance that Sayid will jump in and save her, I'd say... no. I'd tell Desmond to come up with a better way to "awaken" Sayid that doesn't involve me and my sister getting our asses kicked.


After Desmond removes the cork from the light, white smoke comes out of the hole. Is that the good version of the smoke monster?


I like the eyeliner all of the guys in Drive Shaft wore. A good idea for a punk bad would be "The Richard Alperts" who all wear really thick eyeliner, dye their hair black, and leave one single gray hair.


That concert where Daniel played piano accompaniment with Drive Shaft totally sucked. And not just because bass player left after one song to chase after some pregnant chick, but because it was just bad. And why did Daniel want to play with those guys anyway? It'd be like if my parents were rich and I told them I desperately wanted to have a concert where I played along with Dexys Midnight Runners.


I laughed a little bit when Locke said that Desmond is going to help him do the "one thing I can't do on my own," which is destroy the island. Oh, and he also can't leave the island on his own. Or kill Jacob. Or kill any of the candidates. Or Dogen. Or enter that temple. Or pass through those sonar barriers. Or, you know, anything at all really.


If Jacob's job is to protect the light, why does he live way the hell away under that statue? Why not build a house a little closer?


Why is Sayid's soul mate Shannon? Wasn't she just an island booty call because he thought he'd never see Nadia again? If I go to heaven, I want to spend it with the actual love of my life, not some chick I boned just because she happened to be deserted on the same island with me.


Same goes for Claire and Charlie. Sure, he loved her, but did she ever really love him? I always took her affection for him to be more like that toward an annoying and kind of creepy platonic friend who didn't really understand boundaries.


If Lapidus, Miles, and Alpert can get that busted ass plane flight-worthy in under an hour, during a massive storm, with only a blowtorch, a few boars of wood, and some duct tape, why do my planes always sit on the tarmac for hours just for "de-icing"?


When Jack sees his father in the church, why doesn't he freak out and yell, "the Smoke Monster is back!!!!!" and then try to kill him? He was "awakened" by that point, so he must've remembered how Smokie told him that he had really been the father he saw back on the island. Considered how every reanimated dead person he'd seen by that point was actually the smoke monster, why didn't he assume this was too? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part because it would've been a better ending had that actually really been the smoke monster?


Why does Jack have scars from the wounds he sustained on the island? Why doesn't Shannon also have a bullet hole in her belly? I'm not sure what was the point of that, other than that it was "kind of neat."


And as much as I like Hurley as a character... come on. He's going to protect the island? Jacob and the Man in Black spending 2,000 years in a struggle between good and evil is epic and totally bad ass. Hurley and Ben protecting the island sounds like a bad sitcom.


But, you know, I'd watch that sitcom.


Not that it matters, because I'm fairly certain Jack isn't dead. He gave Hurley a bottle of water, sure, but he didn't do the Latin chant. Jack still had the power all along. The "death" we saw was just his final transformation from human into the next Island protector. How that ties into the parallel world... I dunno yet. But I'll figure that out later.

Tron

Like most geeks on the internet, I recently watched the trailer for the upcoming Tron sequel and nearly shat my pants by how cool it looks. It looks to be both innovative and visually stunning, while still remaining utterly faithful to the original. After all, both Jeff Bridges and Bruce Boxleitner signed on, so it must have some promise, right? And this has to be oddest follow up any actor has ever made after winning a best Actor Oscar. But that's what makes Jeff Bridges so cool, man.

Anyway, if I was going to be excited about this new Tron, I figured it would behoove myself to rewatch the first one. I hadn't seen it since it first came out in 1982, though to be sure most of my memories are based on the videogame that followed. I remember the blue guys and I remember the discs or whatever, but my main memory is of the light cycle scene that was recreated in the game. That was awesome.

But that's what Netflix is for, right? For watching movies like Tron that no normal person would ever need to have any use for. What, I'm going to walk into my local Blockbuster and ask, "Do you have Tron on DVD? Because I want to spend St. Patrick's Day watching that!"

Long story short... this is one weird damn movie. I'm going to go ahead and say this is one of the strangest -- if not the strangest -- movies I've ever seen. Visually, it's completely surreal and unlike anything that had ever been made at the time or anything that has ever been made sense. The film takes place "inside the world of computers" and the incredible contrast between the "real" world and the fantasy world of the computers is, all things considered, incredibly well done, if a little dated. The computer effects still look really good in places, and some of the visual ideas are incredibly brilliant and beautiful. The action sequences in particular are stunning, though too few and far between to call this any kind of action movie. Most of the film is plodding and paced around characters standing around, looking off into the scenery.

And it's still all about the light cycle. This is still one of the coolest scenes from any movie:



But, for the most part, the film makes no sense. And I don't just mean because it's fantasy, but because it's so poorly written, badly directed, and oddly edited that it almost seems as if no two scenes go together or follow any real, logical order. I'm all for leaving things mysterious and having certain questions left without answers, but if I'm confused throughout the entire movie because the script reveals nothing right down to providing proper motivations for the characters, I'm just going to get annoyed. Worse, I'm going to get bored. There's just never any real sense of conflict in this film, nor is the quest ever explained to any real extent that would make anybody care about anything that's happening. Throw into that the fact that the film makes no sense visually as well and you've got a huge mess of a film... but at least it's got those light cycles.

And it has Jeff Bridges, who seemed to be just as confused while he was making the film as I was while watching it. He still gives it his all in every scene he's in, giving an awesomely fun performance even though the film around him was constantly letting him down and giving him little to do. Just watching him walk through the scenery at times with that goofy look on his face was entertaining. Jeff Bridges is awesome.

From a tech point of view, it'd be interesting to know how savvy with computers the filmmakers were. Other than the fact that this film had computers and a few terms like "ram" thrown in here and there, this film was way too fantastical for me to think the writer had anything more than a passing knowledge of anything tech related. I'm willing to bet this film was even written on a typewriter. Obviously computers were used to make the still stunning special effects, but you'd think one of those programmers would've spoken to the director about how the world they created to take place in the computers was completely and utterly childish and stupid.

But I'm still going to see the sequel... because Jeff Bridges is in it. I'm sure he's wonderful in that movie where he won the Oscar, but all in all I just want to watch him ride a light cyle.