Stanley Kubrick: Retrospective and Happy Birthday!

Today would be the 83rd birthday of the reclusive director Stanely Kubrick, had he not passed away twelve years ago. Stanley Kubrick was a fantastically talented and influential director, although one who I'll admit I liked a lot more when I was a younger man, and find somewhat cold and unengaging when viewed from an adult perspective. However, the man was a genius and I do love or at least respect many of his films, so I figured I would take the opportunity of the man's birthday to do a complete retrospective of his film career.

Let's get right to it... in chronological order:

Fear and Desire (1953) / Killer's Kiss (1955)
Never saw either of these, but I don't feel too bad about it because chances are good neither have you. Anybody who's seen these feel like chiming in?

The Killing (1956)
This one actually had a real theatrical release and is easy to find on DVD, so I've seen it, although it's still a weak effort from a director who went on to bigger and better things. This is a mostly entertaining heist film from a visually talented director with a lot of ideas, but as a story it just never comes together in a satisfying way. Also, it's boring. It's maybe worth checking out if you are a fan of the man's work, or if you just want to see a good performance from the always good Sterling Hayden. But, really, if those two things are want you want, just see Dr. Strangelove instead, but we'll get to that one soon enough.

Orson Welles: Happy Birthday and Career Retrospective

George Orson Welles was my all time favorite film director, actor, magician, celebrity spokesman, and guest on the panel of the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. He was born in Kenosha, Wisconsin in 1915, before going on to fame and fortune (of sorts) in the world of theater, radio, film, TV, and the written word. He passed away in 1985, but had he survived until today, he'd be turning 96.

His career started strong when he took Broadway by storm as 21 year old directing avaunt guard  productions of Macbeth starring an almost all African American cast (in 1936!) and Julius Caesar with the story transposed to Fascist Italy. Perhaps his most famous theatrical production (that he never actually got to stage) was The Cradle Will Rock, which was shut down by the federal government due to cut backs in the Works Projects that supporting arts and theater. After their normal theater was locked up and most of the actors and musicians refused to perform at a different, non union-supported venue, the leads spontaneously performed the performance from the audience. After that, he became world famous with his now legendary radio production of The War of the World's, that either intentionally or accidentally mislead much of the country into thinking an actual alien invasion had taken place in New Jersey. He then became the voice of The Shadow ("Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men...?"), until Hollywood came calling and he made the most highly regarded film in American history.

After that, things went down hill and he struggled along for much of his life, scrapping together the finances to budget his various film projects, mostly taking acting performances in films that ranged from the fantastic to the forgettable. For a while he became more popular for his appearances in the commercials for Paul Masson Wine than he had for any of his movies, where he spoke the immortal catchphrase, "we will serve no wine before its time."

In honor of the man's work and birthday, I'm going to be boring everybody with a retrospective of the man's career. This career is actually worth talking about, however, since even his failures are incredibly interesting. I'm going to mostly limit myself to the films he worked on as a director, but I'll mention some other appearances or productions that are most notable:

Kevin Costner: Career Retrospective

Yes... I took this picture.

Well, it was only a matter of time before I broke down and did a career retrospective on Kevin Costner.

For whatever reason, Costner is one of my all time favorite filmmakers, mostly for his body of work, but also partly out of sentimental value. I love previous retrospective-recipient Sylvester Stallone partly because I grew up watching his films with my brother Jim, while I love Costner partly because I grew up watching his movies with my sister Tanya. Both actors are notable in that they have made some movies that are absolutely brilliant, while some are absolute garbage. He's also (so far!) the only career retrospective subject I've seen in person. You can read all about that here.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on the films of Kevin Costner:

Sizzle Beach (1974)
Don't watch this one if you're looking for Kevin Costner. Watch this one if you are looking for a terrible 80s comedy with some decent nudity. Remember that show USA Up All Night, where they used to play that kind of must every Saturday night with all of the nude scenes edited out? Well, I'm sure they aired this at some point. If you are curious (and why wouldn't you be?), you can watch it instantly on Netflix.

Hey... every actor has to start somewhere, right? And at least he got o appear with some naked women. I bet your first job was at Arby's or something.

The Big Chill (1983)
Kevin Costner was famously edited out of the final cut of The Big Chill, only appearing on screen briefly as a corpse. I'll let you make your own joke about how Costner's wooden acting made him the perfect choice to play a character whose only motivation is rigor mortis.

Anyway, this is an ok, if slightly insufferable film about self-important baby boomers who spend all of their time listening to the music of Marvin Gaye.

Fandango (1985)
Classic 80s road trip movie starring Costner and Judd Nelson. Skip it.

Star Trek: The Next Generation Retrospective Retrospective

Well, that's done, and every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation received at least a brief review and rating. Just for fun, I'm going to look at the scores I gave to each episode and season and rank things over all. And, of course, remember that there is nothing scientific about any of this, and my basic three tiered rating system (based on Skip it, Watch it, or Buy it) doesn't allow for a lot of nuance.

Out of 177 episodes reviewed, the breakdowns are as follows:

Buy it: 63 episodes (35%)

Watch it: 66 episodes (37%)

Skip it: 48 episodes (27%)

This gives an overall score of 129 episodes (72%) that fall somewhere in the range of good to great. That's a score any long-running series can take pride in.

And then I gave each rating a score, with Skip it getting zero, Watch it getting 1 point, and Buy it getting 2 points. I thought about weighing the Buy it score with three points, but decided that I'd keep things somewhat simple. Here are the seasons ranked from lowest to highest in terms of their overall score:

Season Two: 18 points

Season One: 21 points (tied)

Season Seven: 21 points (tied)

Season Five: 27 points

Season Six: 33 points

Season Four: 34 points

Season Three: 38 points


And all of this proves... nothing.

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Seven Retrospective

1. Descent: Part II
The season opening falls apart almost immediately. The interesting premise set up in the previous season's cliff-hanger just wasn't played out well at all. This is just a jumbled mess.
Skip it

2. Liaisons
An alien race sends different liaisons to the Enterprise in order to learn about different human (and nonhuman) emotions. Fun, clever episode, especially in the scenes where the one guy keeps trying to piss off Worf.
Watch it

3. Interface
Another episode where Geordie pines for a woman he can never be with. This time, it's his mother. Weird!
Skip it

4./5. Gambit: Parts I & II
This season's action story. I'm not so sure that the story had to be stretched across two parts, but both are pretty darn entertaining and fun. 
Watch it

6. Phantasms
Data's dream program begins to give him nightmares. Meh.
Skip it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Six Retrospective

1. Time's Arrow: Part II
The crew reunite in 19th century California, team up with Sam Clemens, meet Guinan for the first time, and stop the aliens from preying on the dying miners. This is good stuff, I don't care what anybody says. Oddly enough, after his experiences on the Enterprise, Mark Twain never writes an episode of Star Trek.
Buy it

2. Realm of Fear
Lt Barclay is back, and this time he's paranoid about the transporter and thinks he's developed some psychosis. Barclay is always fun, but this one is pretty lame.
Skip it

3. Man of the People
Troi falls in love with another loser. This time around, she hooks up with some guy who leaches off her energy and turns her into a bitter, decrepit old woman. This isn't bad for a Troi episode, but it's not that great.
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Five Retrospective

1. Redemption: Part II
This is the rare Next Generation season opener where the conclusion is way better than the cliff-hanger that preceded it. This was an ok two-parter that worked mostly for the little moments than for the over-all story. My favorite part of this episode is for the scenes where Data takes his first command during the battle against the Romulans and saves the day at the end. Other than that, meh.
Watch it

2. Darmok
Picard and crew have to learn to communicate with an alien race that uses metaphor as their language. This is a very difficult episode to explain, but it's one of the all time best science fiction stories I've ever seen, Star Trek or otherwise. Love it.
Buy it

3. Ensign Ro
Michelle Forbes joins the cast as the rebellious Ensign Ro. Forbes is a beautiful, talented actress, but this character never worked for me. She was worked in to add more edge and friction to the otherwise happy and friendly cast, but it just always seemed forced, and her anger and intensity was more annoying than anything else. But... Forbes usually made the character work because she really was a great actress. This episode was also notable for being the first appearance of the Bajorians, and the story laid the groundwork for the entire premise of Deep Space Nine
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Four Retrospective

The changes from season three to season three aren't as dramatic as those from the first to the second or the second to the third. Basically, the show found its voice in season three, so season four was just a continuation of the same. This season was a little more uneven than the third, but it's still a great season with some classic episodes.

Let's take a look:

1. The Best of Both Worlds: Part 2
While not as epic as the previous season-ending cliffhanger, this was still a satisfying conclusion that tied up the story as well as anybody could've hoped. Not much to say about this one, other than that it was a good second half to the story.
Buy it

2. Family
Star Trek slows things down a little and lets the characters do some family bonding. After getting kidnapped by the Borg and forced to join their collective, Picard takes some time off from being a Starship captain and stays with his brother's family at their vineyard in France. This is the kind of story where the promos probably said something like, "on a very special episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation..." And it really is, since I don't think there's really anything science fiction about it, other than that it takes place in the future. This is just a quiet, emotional story where the characters (as well as the audience) are allowed to take a break from the excitement and turmoil of the previous episode before continuing on with the rest of the season. This isn't one I rewatch too often, but it is very good.
Watch it

3. Brothers
This episode features the return of Data's "brother" Lore, whom we haven't seen since season one. This episode centers around the reunion of Data, Lore, and their creator, Noonien Soong, all of whom were played by actor Brent Spiner. I like Lore and I always enjoy watching Brent Spiner play multiple characters, so this is a favorite of mine, but it's only worth watching if you're a fan of the show's mythology. There is very little here to entice first time viewers.
Watch it

4. Suddenly Human
The Enterprise finds some aliens who have raised a human kid as one of their own. This is an ok episode that is notable for featuring a cool performance by genre star Sherman Howard. Other than that, it's kind of weak.
Skip it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Three Retrospective

All things being equal, this is where Star Trek: The Next Generation went from being ok to actually good, and perhaps even great. What started as a pretty ok attempt to spin-off a Strek Trek series from the Original Series took a few missteps in the first couple of seasons, but it slowly found its own identity and point of view as a great series in its own right with the third season.

This season brought us new and improved costumes and the return of Doctor Beverly Crusher. It also gave us one of the best overall seasons of the entire series.

Let's take a look:

1. Evolution
I don't love how they opened up the season with a Wesley episode, but at least it's one of the better ones. It's basically a story about how Wesley is smart, and deals with how his mother relates to him and how he fits in on the ship. Or something. It's a fine episode, but every Wesley episode should end with him getting punched.
Watch it

2. The Ensigns of Command
Data is tasked with convincing a human colony to abandon the planet on which they settled because it is about to be wiped out be the aliens in whose space it belongs. This is a great episode with a clever story and a wonderful performance by Brent Spiner.
Buy it

3. The Survivors
The Enterprise visits a planet that has been completely decimated by aliens, except for one house that is perfectly intact. This is a good, clever episode. I don't have much to say about this one, but it's very well done.
Watch it

4. Who Watches the Watchers?
This is one of the best episodes in the entire history of Star Trek. The enterprise is studying a planet full of aliens. When they accidentally make their presence known, they are worshiped as gods. This is a great story that was wonderfully executed by the writers, actors, and director.
Buy it

5. The Bonding
A young boy's mother dies during an away mission, and the crew deals with the emotional aftermath. Oh, and they also get attacked by some aliens. This is a very thoughtful, well done episode, but it's also a little dry, if only because it has too much of this kid and not enough of the crew. 
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season Two Retrospective

The second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation saw the additions of Pulaski as the new chief medical officer, Whoopie Goldberg as the bartender Guinan, and Commander Riker's beard. We also got another bunch of episodes that were mostly hit or miss.

Let's take a look at Star Trek: The Next Generation season two:

1. The Child
Troi gets knocked up through not quite immaculate conception. Some alien spirit flies into her body and impregnates her so it can learn what it is like to be a human. Or some such nonense. It should've just rented Sleepless in Seattle.
Skip it

2. Where Silence Has Lease
The Enterprise gets trapped by some alien who wants to hold them prisoner forever while he conducts experiments on them. This episode is a frightful bore, although it has its moments maybe. Interesting tidbit: The main alien Nagillum was written for actor Richard Mulligan, whose last name is Nagillum spelled backwards. The character was eventually played by Earl Boen, whom most people probably remember best as the psychiatrist from the first three Terminator movies.
Skip it

3. Elementary, Dear Data
I love this episode, even though it's completely ridiculous. Data and Geordie play on the Holodeck as Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson, when Geordie gets annoyed because Data knows everything and always wins in the first few minutes. Pulaski tells the computer to create a villain that is capable of defeating Data at a game of wits, so it brings to life a self-aware version of Professor Moriarty who takes over the ship.

Seriously, Holodeck? That's what you're going to do? Remind me to never ask the Holodeck to give me a challenging chess opponent, or they might create somebody who'll pull a gun and shoot me in the face if I start to win. But still... this is a very fun episode with a great performance by Daniel Davis as the best version of Moriarty ever.
Buy it

4. The Outrageous Okona
Another ridiculous episode that is still a lot of fun. Billy Campbell plays the titular character, who's a devil may care pilot who flies around the galaxy having sex with lots of hot chicks. That's all he seems to do in this episode anyway. I love this character and I'm still waiting for them to make a series called Star Trek: Okona's Red Shoe Diaries.

The B plot has to do with Data's attempts to gain a sense of humor. He goes on the Holodeck and enlists the help of... Joe Piscopo. Clearly the Holodeck computer has a sense of humor, because there's no other way to explain why it presented Joe Piscopo as the greatest comic mind of the 20th century. Still, his scene was kinda funny.
Watch it

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season One Retrospective

I'm about to bite off a lot more than I'll probably be able to chew here, but I'm going to attempt to review ever episode from the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. These reviews are going to be very brief, I hope, offering just a small commentary on each one. As far as scores go, I'm going to rate each episode one of three different ratings: Skip it, Watch it, or Buy it, with skip being the worst and buy being the best.

Anyway... let's see how this works out, shall we?

1. Encounter at Farpoint
This was a good pilot episode for what would turn out to be a brilliant TV series. The characters were introduced well, the tone of the series was set, and the story itself was clever and worked as good sci-fi. This was also the first appearance of the show's main antagonist Q, who went on to appearance at least once per season.

When this pilot first aired, I'll admit I found it to be lackluster, if only because it was so much more dramatic and series in tone than the original series, but it has aged incredibly well, not only because it's just a good story, but because the final episode of the series book-ended this pilot so perfectly... but we'll get to that someday. 

Interesting tidbit: This episode featured a cameo by DeForest Kelley (McCoy from the Original Series), setting the standard of having an appearance by a character from the previous series in each new Star Trek show.
Buy it

2. The Naked Now
The crew gets infected by some kind of space virus that causes them to act as though they're drunk. That's the whole story. This episode was based on the Original Series episode The Naked Time. That episode was fantastic, this episode was just silly. It's fun to watch (especially the scene where Data and Yar have sex), but it's pretty dumb and pretty pointless. How did Data get infected by a virus anyway?
Watch it

3. Code of Honor
A Space African kidnaps Tasha Yar in order to add her to his harem. This episode is terrible. Awful story, bad script, terrible acting. One of the worst episodes in the entire series.
Skip it

4. The Last Outpost
The first appearance of the Ferengi, who were originally intended to be the main villains of the series. Needless to say, things didn't turn out as planned. The Ferengi turned out to be a joke, so they immediately became comic interest instead of any kind of major threat. All in all, however, this wasn't a bad episode. 
Watch it

Arnold Schwarzenegger Career Retrospective Part II

Welcome to the second part of the Blessed Are the Geek's Career Retrospective on Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can find Part I here, or continue on:

Total Recall (1990)
Based upon the short story by Philip K. Dick, Total Recall is a thoughtful, witty, clever, and intelligent science fiction film, that is also a ridiculously over the top action extravaganza. In other words, it's freakin' awesome! This is probably my pick for Arnold's best stand alone film. I mean, it's got a chick with three tits. How cool is that?

This is one of those rare Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that would've been just as brilliant had another actor appeared in the main role, since the script was so good, the concept was so clever, and the direction by Paul Verhoeven was so perfect. However, the fact that Arnold did star made it all the better, because we got a clever, smart science fiction movie filled with Arnold killing people while making one-liners. In my opinion, that would make every movie better. Arnold should've appeared at the end of Passion of the Christ and said something to Jesus like, "Why don't you hang around for a while?"

Anyway, great movie, and he does say "I'll be back."

Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Arnold's second attempt at comedy was a lot more successful than his first. Everybody loves this movie. Arnold was already world famous before this movie (or he would never been given the freedom to star in a movie like this in the first place), but this was the one that made all of our mothers, girlfriends, and nun love him as well. This was just a funny movie where Arnold was able to take his usual persona and poke fun at himself.

And he does say "I'll be back," but this line might be the most famous from the entire movie:



Great movie.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Career Retrospective Part I

How have I not done this yet?

I've already done a retrospective on the greatest action film star of all time, so it's about time I got around to doing one for the second greatest. And if you have any doubts about those rankings, rest assured that I already settled that argument definitively.

Anyway, Schwarzenegger is definitely one of my all time favorite film stars, so here is my rundown of the man's entire career. Well, his film career, anyway. Whatever he did in politics is for some other blogger to chronicle.

Hercules in New York (1969)
This isn't a very good film, but I don't blame Arnold for starring in it. You wouldn't have turned it down either.

The premise is that... I don't really remember, but it had something to do with Arnold playing Herclues, who was transported to present day New York. Like I said, it's not a very good movie, but it's worth watching for a few laughs, especially for the unlikely pairing of Schwarzenegger and the nebbishy character actor Arnold Stang.

This was the former bodybuilder's first feature film, but he went on to bigger and better things to be sure. I'm sure he has no regrets. I bet he got laid a lot on the set and did tons of drugs.

After this one he did some TV appearances and bit parts in movies that nobody remembers, so we'll skip ahead about ten years or so...

Stay Hungry (1976)
I've actually never seen this one, but I remember seeing a commercial for it when it aired on HBO (or Showtime, or wherever) when I was a kid. Jeff Bridges and Sally Field co-star, so maybe it's worth watching. But I doubt it.

Pumping Iron (1977)
This movie is an absolute masterpiece. It's a documentary on the Mr Olympia competition centering around the reigning champion Arnold Schwarzenegger and the up and coming challenger Lou Ferrigno. This movie is fascinating for the look into the world of professional bodybuilding, but it is incredibly entertaining for Schwarzenegger, who is a total douche bag, but he's so damn charming and likable at the same time. This is the movie that really made Arnold a star and sold his persona to the world, which is interesting because he appeared as himself.

Poor Lou Ferrigno is the butt of most of Arnold's jokes and pranks, but he went on to win multiple Mr Olympia titles and became a famous actor in his own right as well.

Anyway, if you've never seen this movie, go watch it today because it's brilliant.

The Villain (1979)
I have no idea what this is, but I need to see it.

It's also called Cactus Jack, and has Arnold acting opposite an absolutely amazing cast, including Kirk Douglas, Ann Margaret, Paul Lynde, Foster Brooks, Ruth Buzzi, Jack Elam, and Mel Tillis. It's directed by Hal Needham, who also did Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball. How have I never even heard of this? I just added it to my Netflix queue, so I will update this entry when I know more.

Oliver Stone Career Retrospective

Oliver Stone used to be one of my favorite filmmakers, but I lost interest in his films after he stopped making movies that looked appealing. Watching Wall Street 2 the other day didn't really change my opinion of his recent run of films (since it totally sucked), but it did rekindle my interest and appreciation for the man's films. Or, anyway, it made me want to look back on them all and share my opinions.

So, here is my (directorial) Career Retrospective on... Oliver Stone:

Seizure (1974)
Never seen it, never heard of it. Apparently it's about a writer who is terrorized by characters from his novels. It stars Jonathan Frid, who people may know better as the star of that TV series Dark Shadows. Um... or maybe not. Anyway, it sounds cool. I'll check it out and get back to you later.

The Hand (1981)
This one I've actually seen, and it wasn't that good. It's about a guy who loses his hand in a car accident (or something), and then it comes alive and starts to terrorize him. It stars Michael Caine, which sounds impressive, but back in the mid 80s Caine was making a lot of shit. This was way before Cider House Rules put him back on top as a notable movie star. Still, Caine is always dependable and Stone's talents as a director make this better than your average B horror movie.

Salvador (1986)
Stone followed up that piece of shit horror movie with an absolute masterpiece. Salvador is seriously one of the best movies from the 80s, and the first great movie made by Oliver Stone. It's a historical fiction about a photojournalist who covers the atrocities happening in El Salvador during the mid 80s. It's harrowing, gripping stuff, featuring an amazing central performance by James Woods, who went on to be an Oliver Stone favorite.

This was only Stone's third film, but his screenplay earned him an Oscar nomination (he had already won an Oscar for writing the screenplay for the 1979 film Midnight Express). James Woods was also nominated for Best Actor, but he lost to Paul Newman for Color of Money. Paul Newman is one of the best actors of all time, but James Wood deserved the award that year. Anyway, great movie. Check it out.

Platoon (1986)
This was the film that made Oliver Stone a major player in Hollwood. Platoon was Stone's first movie about the Vietnam War, and it was so popular and influential, that it ushered in a renewed interest in the war, and helped to give most American's a better appreciation for the troops and what they endured over there. After this movie, everybody made movies about Vietnam, some of the more notable ones being Full Metal Jacket, Gardens of Stone, Hamburger Hill, and the TV series China Beach, among many, many others.

Platoon also garnered Stone his first Oscar as Best Director. His screenplay was also nominated, alongside his screenplay for Salvador, which may be some kind of unparalleled achievement for all I know. Has anybody else ever been nominated for best Director and Best Screenplay twice in the same year? Anyway, Platoon is an amazing movie that holds up as one of the best and most enthralling war movies ever made, helped in no small part because Stone himself was a veteran of the same war.

Stephen King Career Restrspective Part 2

Here comes the second part of our two part Stephen King Career Retrospective:


Four Past Midnight
A collection of four novellas, all of them terrible. Seriously, they were all just weird, strange, and dumb. Sounds harsh I know, but how else can you describe a story about a kid who keeps a book out too long and then gets raped by the library police man?
Skip it

The Wastelands
The third book in the Dark Tower series, and also the best. This is a straight up mind-blowing, fantasy novel unlike anything I've ever read before or since. This is King at his most brilliant and, more importantly, his most entertaining and enthralling. But don't even think about reading it unless you've already read the first two Dark Tower novels. You'll have no idea what the hell is going on.
Read it

Needful Things
Almost a really good novel, but it was somehow written -- or at least marketed -- as "the last Castle Rock story," which is the fictional town in which King set many of his novels and stories. King spends way too much time on blowing up the town then he does on creating a really great, fully fleshed out story. But I did like it. It reads like King Lite, and it's good if you just want some thrills and action without much substance.
Read it

Stephen King Career Retrospective: Part I

I've already done one of these career retrospectives for my favorite movie star and my favorite director, so it's only fitting that I finally do one for my favorite writer. Or, at least, the man who used to be my favorite writer at one time or another. He's still one of my favorite writers, and he is certainly the writer of whose work I have read the most of (expect for maybe Robert Heinlein or Edgar Rice Burroughs), but I have fallen out of touch with his books as of late, or maybe he had fallen out of favor with me.

Anyway, Stephen King always has a place in my heart as the author of so many of my all time favorite works of fiction. Here is my (hopefully) complete run down of everything of his that I have read. I will try to keep my comments as brief as possible.

Oh yeah, and this is dedicated to by good friend Anna, who is an even bigger fan of his stuff than I am.

Carrie
This is the first novel King ever published, and I'm fairly certain it was the first of his I ever read. I didn't read his stuff in order when I began to get into his work, but it just worked out that way when I started. My sister was a big Stephen King fan and had all of this books, and I chose this one to read first because it was the shortest. I remember loving it, but looking back with an adult perspective, I can't remember why. It's a story about a nerdy girl with psychic powers who gets humiliated at her prom and then kills everybody. I guess there is some subtext to be found, but that's the basic story in a nutshell. And boy is it hard to believe. I mean, I don't care how much of a bitch some kids are, nobody is going to dump pig's blood on your head during prom. And if that did happen, they wouldn't laugh at you, because they'd be too busy throwing up. But I liked it. It's a short, good, fun read, but I don't really recommend it in comparison to this rest of his ouvre.
Skip it

Steven Spielberg Career Retrospective Part II

Hook (1991)
Now this isn't a very good film. Notable for having one of the highest budgets of its time, Hook was a monster hit that has not aged well, which says a lot considering how it wasn't any good to being with. It has the highest of high concepts: What if Peter Pan grew up? Well, most people probably assumed he'd have grown into a better man than this film, which seems to hold the opinion that you are either Peter Pan or an immoral corporate raider who neglects his family and only cares about money. This movie relishes in this dichotomy and heaps irony on top of irony until it stops being the least bit clever.

But it all looks pretty, and some of the child actors were quite good, and you can't beat the inspired casting of Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, and Bob Hoskins, who all but steals the show in every movie he's ever been in. But when you walk away from a movie thinking, "boy, I wish Bob Hoskins was in more movies," maybe that means the movie you just saw wasn't all that good.

Maybe this works as a kids movie. I certainly remember enjoying it when I first saw it in the theatre. But, as an adult, it's insufferable.
Rating: Skip it

Jurassic Park (1993)
Now this is a movie.

If I were to rank all of the movies in order of how many times I've rewatched them over the years, Jurassic Park would definitely be somewhere in the top five. It's just a ridiculously entertaining film that keeps me enthralled every time I watch it. It's absolutely one of the most brilliant pieces of pure filmmaking the world has ever seen.

Ok, and it's also kind of dumb, but that's ok. It doesn't have the depth of Michael Crichton's novel, but that's ok. I've reread the original novel almost as many times as I've seen the film, and all things considered, the film has aged a lot better. When I was a younger man, I didn't understand why Spielberg excised most of the science from the novel, but as I grew older, I realized that Crichton's science was mostly nonsense. Spielberg made the right decision. But the film is short on story. But that doens't matter since it's a movie about dinosaurs, and it presented the most amazing dinosaurs the world had ever seen.

I love this movie, and so do you.
Rating: Buy it

Schindler's List (1993)
One of the reasons why Steven Spielberg is my favorite director is how he'll follow up a film about genetically bred dinosaurs run amok with a heartfelt film about the Holocaust. Name one other director who could've pulled both of those films off to such critical and fan acclaim? Filmed in stark black and white, Schindler's List is as much a visual feast as any Spielberg film, though that is as much a detriment to the film as it is to its credit. There are a few scenes in this film where Spielberg the visual stylist takes too much power over Spielberg the story teller, such as in the scene where the German plays the piano while the soldiers kill the Jews in the tenament building, or when the gas chambers are revealed to be just showers. These are thrilling scenes, but perhaps a bit too thrilling. Spielberg was maturing, but still unable to always become completely invisible as a director.

Also, and this perhaps too petty of a criticism, but I would rather have had Spielberg direct a Holocaust film that centered around a family of Jews, and not a single, noble German who was the hero. But it was without any doubt a breathtaking, brilliant film. Spielberg's first Oscar wins for Best Picture and Best Director were well deserved, though he had been deserving for other films before this one.
Rating: Buy it

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
And then Spielberg took four years off, and you would've too. He had won and Oscar and directed the most grueling, emotional film of his career, after all. But, all things considered, he probably should've taken a little more time and returned to Hollywood with a better film than this piece of shit.

But that doesn't mean I don't love this movie, I just acknowledge the fact that it's not very good. As a follow up to Jurassic Park, it definitely has more dinosaurs, more thrills, and better computer effects, but it also has a lot less plot and less charm. But that's fitting because Lost World the novel was a huge piece of shit as well, though it wasn't quite as stupid as this movie adaptation. But, again, this movie is about watching dinosaurs eat people, an area in which it delivers better than any movie in history. The scenes of dinosaurs eating people are wonderful, and the film is worth watching just for the scene where the hunters are chasing the dinosaur stampede. That may, in fact, be the coolest scene in movie history, and I'm not exaggerating at all. But, at the end of the day, there's almost as much to hate about this movie as there is to admire, if not more so, actually. The characters are all annoying, the plot is stupid, and the set pieces make absolutely no sense at all. And, really, why is Ian Malcom's daughter black?

Lastly, this film is notable for being the only sequel Spielberg ever directed that wasn't an Indiana Jones film.
Rating: Watch it on TNT

Amistad (1997)
Amistad may very well be subtitled "The Lost Spielberg Film," since nobody ever remembers it. Admit it: Before you started reading this blog (and, of course, I'm humoring myself by pretending that anybody is actually reading this blog) you had completely forgotten about Amistad. As soon as you reached this point, you probably thought to yourself, "oh yeah... that movie!"

And that's a shame because it's actually a pretty good movie. It's not in his top ten to be sure, but it's a good movie all the same. Anyway, it's entertaining, and even quite moving and profound in places. Cinque's "Me wants free" speech in particlar always makes me misty. If for nothing else, this movie gave Djimon Hounsou a career, for which we can all be thankful. Djimon Hounsou is awesome.
Rating: Rent it

Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Spielberg won his second Best Director Oscar for this film, though Shakespeare in Love beat it for Best Picture. A lot of people will tell you that was a travesty, but I liked both films a lot. Either of the two deserved the top Oscar, in my opinon, even though I've only seen Shakespeare in Love once while I've seen Ryan about 8 billion times. So maybe it was a travesty after all. Anyway, this movie is awesome. I've already hyped up this film in my list of the ten best war movies, but this film is so good no amount of hype could ever do it justice. Was it perfect? No, but it was still awesome all the same.
Rating: Buy it

Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001)
A great many people have written a great many detailed, elaborate, scholarly articles explaining why this is one of the most brilliant films ever made. And I've read them all. I know the history of this film. I know that it began as the brainchild of Stanley Kubrick (another one of my favorite directors who will no doubt get his own Dononline retrospective soon enough), who gave Spielberg his blessing to finish it after his death. I know all of the theories and explanations. I've watched this film multiple times to get a better understanding and refined viewpoint. But, at the end of the day, I can't deny the inevitable: I think this movie sucks.

There isn't one sequence, set piece, or idea that works for me. It's all just a huge mess, in my opinion. I don't even find it entertaining. The special effects are wonderful, of course, but this was 2001. All films had special effects that were wonderful by that point. Computers took the special out of effects and just made every movie looks fantastic. I did almost like Jude Law's performance as the Sexbot (would any woman really have intercourse with something called "Gigolo Joe"?), but then I realized that his character, like all the others, served no purpose, learned nothing, and had boring, pointless story arcs.

I just didn't like it. I have no idea why I always feel so apologetic about it, but that's how it is. The main problem with this movie (other than that it sucked?)? There was no real emotional point, in my opinion. David was supposed to be the first robot that could love, and yet the only thing that made him different from the thousand other robots in this movie was that he cried a little bit more. That teddy bear seemed pretty lovable to me. I certainly found him more believable -- not to mention less creepy -- than Haley Joel Osment.

Anyway, I could go on and on about how much I hate this movie, but maybe I'll save that for another time.
Rating: Skip it

Minority Report (2002)
I saw this movie opening day, and I didn't really love it. There were just too many flaws that hurt my enjoyment. There was the bit with the eyes, that let Anderton and is wife sneak around even though he was a registered fellon. There was the ending, which was predictable and cliche. Then was the entire premise, that made no sense because the precogs foresaw a murder "committed" by Anderton even though he never actually killed anybody.

But, many viewings sine then, my feelings have changed and I've warmed up to this movie. In fact, I think it's quite good, if not one of Spielberg's very best. But it is a good science fiction film that's full of action and clever idea. And, no, those "flaws" I mentioned above don't really bother me anymore, since they aren't really deal breakers. It was one of those movies that let me down because it wasn't as brilliant as I was expecting, but when I saw it again, it wasn't as bad as I had remembered.
Rating: Rent it

Catch Me If You Can (2002)
Spielberg's second film with Tom Hanks (and his first with Leo DeCaprio) is an absolute delight. I can't think of any better way to describe this film. It isn't up there with E.T., The Color Purple, or Schindler's List in terms of story content, but it's as entertaining and, well, fun as anything he's ever directed. Throw in Christopher Walken, Martin Sheen, and a bunch of cute girls and you've got one of the most entertaining films of his career. But there aren't any dinosaurs or guys who rip hearts out of other guys' chests.
Rating: Buy it

The Terminal (2004)
I like this movie, but I'd be hard pressed to label it as one of Spielberg's big successes. It's a likable, charming comedy that has an easy going tone that is only a little bit trite and only kind of stupid. But, again, I like it. I think it's funny, and while it isn't the most engaging or visual splendid of his films, it's still a Spielberg movie. Spielberg doing light comedy may be a waste of his talent, in my opinion, but it's still entertaining. But it's also a little boring, and even though it's supposedly based on a true story, the entire premise is impossible to believe. That wasn't a deal breaker for me, but I can see how it would be for a good number of people. This movie wasn't a big hit.

This was also Spielberg's third film (and as of this writing, last) collaboration with Tom Hanks, who's fantastic as always.
Rating: Watch it on TNT

War of the Worlds (2005)
Spielberg and Tom Cruise team up a second time to make another science fiction blockbuster, and it's another instant classic. This is just an over the top, exhilarating, balls to the wall disaster movie, and I loved every minute of it. This was probably Spielberg's best pure action movie since Jurassic Park, and he's at his best (or at least, at his most entertaining. I'm not going to argue that this is a better film than Schindler's List) when all he cares about doing is taking the audience on a nonstop thrill ride. This isn't exactly a nonstop thrill ride, since there are actually more than a few character moments where the actors get to talk about their feelings and all that, but for the most part, it's just a lot of stuff blowing up. The beginning section is so strong that the ending really feels like a let down (especially since the ending was so faithful to the novel's, which was already dumb even considering it was 100 years old), but it's still one of my favorites.
Rating: Buy it

Munich (2005)
Munich is a great movie. It might be too soon to tell, but it seems to be a landmark picture that introduced yet another Steven Spielberg to the world: One who was finally able to bridge the gap between the director of thrillers like Raiders and Jaws and the man who made heartfelt dramas like The Color Purple and Schindler's List. Munich has a deep, philosophical storyline that raises more questions than it answers, but it also has thrilling set pieces that almost out Hitchcock Hitchcock. It's a brilliant, soaring success for the director.

But... it's also kind of boring in places, and I'd be lying if I said I really understood everything Spielberg was trying to say. It's not one that I rewatch very often. It's just a little too cold. It's the kind of film I respect on an intellectual level, but don't necessarily love watching on any kind of emotional level.
Rating: Rent it

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
After 20 years, Spielberg, Lucas, and Harris Ford reunited for once more installment in the Indiana Jones franchise, and the world was a better place because of it, in my opinion. I've already reviewed this film in detail here (some might say in too much detail), but needless to say, I loved it. When I first saw it, I merely liked it, but in the time since then I saw it a few more times in the theatre and even more times on DVD, and it has grown on me more and more with each viewing. It's not a perfect film by any means, with a charmless, less than villainous villain and a lackluster finale, but it's still an Indiana Jones film and it still entertains. Every Indiana Jones films has been less spectacular than the one that came before, but that's ok because since the first film was brilliant, even films that get progressively less brilliant are still great. That was a long sentence, but thanks for sticking with me.
Rating: Buy it

And... that's it. That was every major film directed by Steven Spielberg over the course of his career. And, no, I'm not forgetting Poltergeist, but since he isn't actually billed as the director, I'm not going to get into that fiasco. I woudl've rated it as a Watch it on TNT anyway.

Let's see how the films broke down in terms of my rating scale:

Buy it: 12
Duel
Jaws
Raiders of the Lost Ark
E.T.
Temple of Doom
Last Crusade
Jurassic Park
Schindler's List
Saving Private Ryan
Catch Me if you Can
War of the Worlds
Crystal Skull

Rent it: 6
Sugarland Express
Close Encounters
Empire of the Sun
Amistad
Minority Report
Munich

Watch it on TNT: 5
1941
Twilight Zone: The Movie
The Color Purple
Lost World
The Terminal

Skip it: 3
Always
Hook
AI

I would say Spielberg aquited himself very good, and his ouvre definitely proves him to be one of the greatest filmmakers of all time.

Steven Spielberg Career Retrospective

Steven Spielberg: This country's greatest living director, or the greatest living hack? Personally, I vote for "greatest living director," and I hope I can convince you in this career retrospective, where I'll chronologically list and give my (brief) opinions on every major film he's directed. It's going to be a huge pain in the ass, but that's what I do. Anyway, at least he's my favorite director.

Oh, and as much as I love the man, he definitely has directed some shit. But, even then, it's always entertaining shit.

And I'm going to give each film a rating from the following scale that descends from best to worst:

Buy it
Rent it
Watch it on TNT
Skip it

And just for the sake of clarification, you'll have to understand that a rating of "Skip it" from me means it's the absolute worst of the worst (or, at least, that it's just incredibly boring and pointless), since I'll watch just about any piece of shit on TNT. If you've spent more than five minutes reading this blog, you'll have figured that out by now. Anywat, let's get to it:

Duel (1971)
Duel is probably the best Spielberg movie that most people haven't seen. It's also the best TV movie ever made, which helps to explain why most people haven't seen it. Now that Spielberg has risen to the level of certified movie icon, Duel has been released and rereleased a bunch of times on video, DVD, etc, but most people still haven't seen it, which is a shame because it's an absolutely cracking little film. It stars Dennis Weaver (of McCloud fame) as the lonely driver on a long car trip who gets terrorized by a trucker who's face, identity, and motives are never revealed. And that's it. But that's all Spielberg needed to craft one of the tightest, most exciting thrillers of all time. Seriously, this film is brilliant and is an absolute must see.
Rating: Buy it

The Sugarland Express (1974)
After Duel, Spielberg continued to work in TV for a few years, but this was his first release on the big screen... and it's a pretty good one, if not as memorable as his next few. In (very) brief, Goldie Hawn and William Atherton play convicts on the run from the law in Texas. There's a lot more to it than that, but at the end of the day, maybe there actually isn't. Sugarland Express is one of the more subtle and restrained Spielberg films, but it's also very well done. As I said, it just isn't as memorable as everything else he's did, and feels more like one of his earlier TV movies than something that was quite ready for the cinema. But it's a fun, well done little movie by one of the all time great directors.
Rating: Rent it

Jaws (1975)
Jaws, of course, needs no introduction, explanation, or summary. Jaws is one of the biggest, best, and most important movies ever made. It's a perfect film, in my opinion, and one of the many titles I'll give as my answer when people ask if I have a favorite film. It's just... well... one of the most satisfying, exciting, entertaining movies of all time. And it's scary as hell. Even to this day, I can't swim alone in a pool because of how many times I've seen this movie.



Rating: Buy it

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
Close Encounters is considered a great film by a great many people, but I'm not really one of them. I consider it an almost great film, however. I think this is a film that is all set up with no real pay off... but the set up is absolutely amazing. This is the film where, as a visual director, Spielberg really became Spielberg. There are so many gorgeous, exhilarating, iconic moments in this film, that it's really worth watching, but you won't miss much if you skip the last half hour to 45 minutes. It just doesn't have a satisfying ending, in my opinion, nor one that makes much sense on any kind of logical or human level.
Rating: Rent it

1941 (1979)
Spielberg's first failure! And a well deserved failure at that, though it is worth watching if only to see Steven Spielberg directing a bunch of WWII era fighter planes. But, as a comedy, this movie completely falls flat. What else is there to say but that it just isn't very funny?
Rating: Watch it on TNT

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Best... movie... ever. As Spielberg enters the 80s, movie history is born with the first Indiana Jones movie. With this movie, both Spielberg and George Lucas prove themselves as certified film gods and not just flukes. Well, Lucas's status as a film god may have diminished as of late, but we'll save that commentary for my Lucas career retrospective (ugh). Anyway, Raiders of the Lost Ark... what else is there to say about this one other than that it's one of my (and the entire world's!) all time favorites? It's just brilliant from start to finish, and hasn't aged a day in my opinion.
Rating: Buy it

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Oh boy, this is a tough one.

This is arguably the best film Steven Spielberg ever directed, with a story that is more heartfelt and better told than any of his later, more "adult" efforts. It's absolutely brilliant and perfect and, dare I say, magical. It's also probably the only film that I love but yet still can't sit through. It's just too god damned sad. It's also a film that I saw for the first time with a childhood friend who is now dead, so it has that added emotional quotient that makes it impossible for me to make it through. Even though I own the DVD. Even though I love it. Even though it has a happy ending (sorta. I mean, it's sad for Elliot, but ET gets home). Can't watch it. Just thinking about that scene where they find ET's body in the forest is almost enough to make me want to run to the kitchen and cut out my heart with a Ginsu.
Rating: Buy it (But never watch it)

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)
This almost isn't even worth mentioning. Twilight Zone is actually a pretty good movie containing four different story segments, Spielberg's being the worst of the bunch. Spielberg's reputation as a director of sentimental crap is extremely unfair and unfounded, in my opinion, but this treacly, trite tale of senior citizens who turn into kids certainly doesn't help my defense. But, at the end of the day, it's just boring and pointless. But this film is worth watching for the segments directed by George Miller and Joe Dante.
Rating: Watch it on TNT

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
This is one of those films that can divide any room into those who absolutely love it or hate it. Even Steven Spielberg has gone on record to say that he kind of hates it. Far be it for me to disagree with the man himself, but I think it's awesome. No, it doesn't quite have the charm of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but it does have some of the most amazing action sequences in movie history. And it has a cave full of bugs. And it has a villain who rips a guy's heart out of his chest and then shows it to him before he dies. So, yeah, it's a dark film. But it also has a sense of humor. What can I say? I love it.



Rating: Buy it

The Color Purple (1985)
How else to follow up Temple of Doom than with an adaptation of an epistolary novel about two African American women living in Georgia in the 1930s? I mean... why not? This film marked a turning point in Spielberg's career where he made a concerted effort to make films that were more than just big, summer movies. Some critics would accuse this film, and many of his others, as little more than "Oscar bait" but I don't think that's fair. I think Spielberg just wanted to make some films where he didn't have to direct in a room filled with thousands of snakes crawling all over the place. And, again... why not? However... this film doesn't really work for me because Spielberg approached it the way he approached his earlier films: by telling the story with his signature visual flair. This was a gorgeous film to look at, but unfortunately the story didn't really feel fully fleshed out. Also, as engaging as charming as I find Whoopie Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey, neither of them really had the acting talent to carry an entire film. Danny Glover is amazing, however. At the end of the day, it's a decent film that entertains, but it wasn't anywhere near as emotionally gripping or satisfying as, say, E.T. or even Sugarland Express.
Rating: Watch it on TNT

Empire of the Sun (1987)
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who love Christian Bale and think he's a brilliant actor, and then there's me. I just don't get the appeal of this guy. There's a reason why he only plays characters who are pissed off all the time: That's the only emotion he can pull off convincingly. He's just a completely boring, one note actor in my opinion who can completely suck the life out of any movie he's in. Well... almost any movie he's in. He was actually pretty good in this one, back when he was just 13.

But we were going to talk about Empire of the Sun. This is a pretty good movie, although the pacing is off so it drags in more places than it should. It's almost almost three hours long, even though it feels like it's much longer. But... it's good. It's gorgeous and well filmed, of course, but it also has a really great story and some wonderful acting. It's something of a picaresque story with a view different vignettes, some of which are less engaging than others and probably should've been cut to trim down the already bloated running time. But, you know, I liked it. It just doesn't stand out as one of my favorites.
Rating: Rent it

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Last Crusade is the favorite Indiana Jones film for a great many people, and rightly so, since it just exudes charm and good humor. Personally, I prefer Raiders of the Lost Ark by a country mile, but that doesn't diminish this film by any means. I absolutely adore this film and think it's one of the most entertaining films I've ever seen. You know... it's just that the original Indiana Jones film is better. But this film does have Sean Connery as Indy's father, and the return of Sallah, Marcus Brody, and the Nazis. This is definitely the funniest and most broadly appealing Indiana Jones film, but I still prefer the dark, black comedy of Temple of Doom and the creativity and movie-serial, pulp novel inspired tone of Raiders.
Rating: Buy it

Always (1989)
In case you were wondering when we'd finally get to a skip it, here we go!

But don't get me wrong, it's not a terrible movie. In fact, it's even a pretty good movie. It's well written, the cast is great and performs perfectly, and Spielberg's visual dazzle is pretty well on display. The main problem is that the story is so ill-thought out and misguided it's hard to believe this movie was actually made (well, remade, but that's another story). Richard Dryfuss is a hotshot pilot who dies in a spectacular crash and then comes back as a guardian angel of sorts to a younger, up-coming hotshot pilot. The hook is this young pilot falls in love with, and starts to court, the girl Dryfuss used to date!

A clever plot to be sure, but who wants to watch that? Who are we rooting for here? On the one hand, the young guy is such a great character we want him to win Holly Hunter's heart, but, on the other hand, Dryfuss is our hero (I think) and we're forced to watch him suffer. So we feel bad while we watch, and then grow angry at a god who would put one of his angels in this kind of position. I wouldn't want to die and then be forced to come back and watch my wife date some guy who was younger and more handsome than I was.

Then again, maybe Dryfuss is in hell and this is his pennance for a life of misdeeds? If so, that would also be pretty poor story telling since he seemed like a nice guy. So I just think it was a dumb movie with a story that's almost impossible to not find awkward and off-putting, and Spielberg should have known better. It is maybe worth watching, however, if only because it's a Spielberg movie and because all of the actors were so good. How often do you get to see John Goodman, Holly Hunter, or Richard Dryfuss any more? It's also notable for being the last performance by the always wonderful Audrey Hepburn.



Rating: Skip it

And since that closes out the 80s for Mr. Spielberg, that seems as good a place as any to take a break. After all, I have to go take my laundry out of the dryer. Come back soon for the second part of our Steven Spielberg Career Retrospective.

Stallone: A Career Retrospective: Part III

The Specialist
This movie is terrible, and not in a good way. I mean, most of Stallone's movies are terrible, but they're still entertaining as hell. The Specialist marked the period in Stallone's career where, with a couple of exceptions, his movies become near unwatchable.

Welcome to third and final part of my Stallone career retrospective. This is where the shit is really going to start to stink.

Judge Dredd
Ugh. This one might be worse than the Specialist, and that's quite a distinction. Where to begin? This was a bad movie based on a bad comic book (that's right, Judge Dredd fans. Deal with it). It was a sci-fi cop buddy film starring Stallone and... Rob Schneider.

This movie was a huge flop, one of the worst of Stallone's career. It made The Specialist look like a smash hit by comparison.

Man, this is getting depressing.

Assassins
This is a marginally better movie than the last two, but it still sucks. It's watchable, at least, and possibly even entertaining from a certain point of view and if you don't have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon and if it comes on TNT.

The problem with this movie, and with most of Stallone's later films, is that it takes itself too seriously. For some reason, Stallone actually thought he was still making good movies. For some reason, Stallone thought that people kept going to his films all those years because they loved the scripts and plots. No, we just want to watch Stallone beat people up and make jokes.

Here's the deal: A serious acting performance by Stallone in a great movie is a thing of beauty. He's a brilliant, underrated actor. But a serious acting performance by Stallone in a piece of shit like Assassins? Come on, man. Lighten up!

Daylight
This film marks the end of a personal era for me. This was the last Stallone film I saw in the theatre, until Rocky Balboa came out ten years later. That's a decade-long drought where I skipped films starring my former favorite actor. It makes me misty just thinking about it. I did see one or two of his films during that decade, but not really by choice, and usually years after they were released, often directly to video.

But we were walking about Daylight. Honestly, I'd rather not. It wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, nor even the worst movie Stallone has ever made, but it just wasn't any good. It's basically a remake of Cliffhanger, only it takes place in a tunnel instead of on a mountain, and it was actually really terrible instead of being really good.

And that's all I have to say about Daylight, other than that things are actually going to get a lot worse before they get better.

The Good Life
I don't even know what this movie is. But it co-stars Dennis Hopper and Andrew Dice Clay, so I'm guessing it's awful. I checked the IMDB to read some reviews and user comments, but there are none. That means nobody on the internet thought this movie was worth talking about. Have you ever been on the internet? Us geeks will talk about anything. But this paragraph is probably the longest thing anybody has ever written about this movie. And that's already too much.

Cop Land
One my one regret (at least, in regards to watching Stallone films. Not about life in general. That would just be silly) is that I somehow missed this film when it was originally released. And that's a shame, because it's a pretty good one. The story was kind of dumb and the whole thing was overrated, but Stallone's performance was probably the best of his career.

Much has been written about how Stallone put on a lot of weight for this role, but the changes me made for this movie were even more profound than that. Everything from the way he walked to the sound of his voice were different in this movie. More so than in any other movie, Stallone actually attempted to create a wholly different, 3 dimensional character unlike anything he has ever played. Had he made more career, and acting, decisions like this one, nobody would be able to parody or make fun of Stallone, because he actually would have been considered an actor.

Anyway, great movie, and Stallone is great in it. He should've gotten a supporting Oscar nomination, in my opinion.

Antz
Stallone did voicework for this subpar computer animated film. I'm not a fan of these crummy Dreamworks Pixar knockoffs, even when they feature Stallone. And, really, when you think of Stallone, does the idea that he'd do stellar voicework really come to mind?

Get Carter
Another piece of garbage that Stallone thought was a good movie. It's based on a "classic" British gangster film starring Michael Caine, but that movie wasn't all that good either. But boy is this one worse. And boring. And, frankly, stupid. It made it to the theaters, though, which is something.

Skip it.

Driven
This film featured a reunion nobody demanded: Stallone back together with Renny Harlin, the man who directed Cliffhanger. Now, I kind of like Renny Harlin. I think he has made some good movies, but for every Cliffhanger or Die Hard 2, he's also made some huge piece of garbage like Cutthroat Island or Deep Blue Sea. Or Driven.

I guess this movie is sort of supposed to be the Rocky of CART racing (whatever that is), but it's more like the Rocky V of CART racing. What else is there to say about this movie other than that Days of Thunder did it first and did it better, and that movie sucked?

D-Tox
Yeah, I don't know what this movie is either.

Avenging Angelo
Avenging Angelo was Stallone's much demanded follow-up to the smash hit D-Tox. I didn't see this one either. I'm guessing the plot has something to do with Stallone avenging the death of some guy named Angelo. Let's check the IMDB plot listing and see...

"A woman who has recently discovered that she is the daughter of Angelo, a major mafia boss, decides to wreak vengeance when he is killed by a hitman. She's aided by his faithful bodyguard, with whom she soon falls in love."

Boy, that don't sound too good.

Shade
Ah ha! I actually saw this one! I even paid money to rent it and everything.

Remember a few years ago when the media were under some mistake idea that poker was suddenly popular? As though showing poker tournaments on ESPN 4 was a sign of some kind of new fad that was storming across America. Anyway, I like poker and I like Stallone, so I figured it would behoove myself to see this movie that was trying to cash in on the fading celebrity of that actor and the rising fad of that card game.

And boy did it suck.

It had horrible acting performances from a lot of people who should've known better, a boring, cliched plot, and a script that was so ignorant of the actual rules of poker that even a greenhorn like me was able to notice all of the times they got the game completely wrong.

But how was Stallone? Old and sad.

Spy Kids 3-D
I saw this on a plane, without 3-D glasses. Can anybody tell me why an airline would decide to show a 3-D film? First of all, you can't really see anything on those tiny screens they have anyway, and then without handing out the glasses it was completely pointless. Oh, and it was just a terrible movie. And I actually really liked the first two Spy Kids films.

This movie is notable for Stallone films, however, because it contains his absolute worst, most over the top, and pathetic acting performance of all time. It's just a thoroughly horrible performance in a completely unwatchable trainwreck of a film.

Rocky Balboa
And then there was Rocky Balboa, the movie that should have been -- and many people predicted it would be -- a huge joke. After all, it had been sixteen years since the last Rocky film, and much, much longer than that since the last great Rocky film. Nobody thought this film would be halfway watchable, let alone, you know, actually good.

Nobody except for me, of course.

I remember how excited I was when I first even heard the rumors about this film, but when I finally saw a trailer all those years later and finally knew it was actually going to happen, well, words can't express what I felt in my heart and in my soul. Rocky was coming back. But even more than that, Stallone was coming back. We had had a long, rocky (pardon the pun) relationship up to that point, but I was always ready to forgive him and welcome him back with open arms.

In a way, Rocky Balboa was something of a love letter -- and an apology -- to his long-time fans. Gone were the ridiculous villains from the ridiculous sequels. Gone was the glitz and glamor. This was a human story about human characters, with an incredibly powerful story about fighting to live out your dreams. You know, like the first Rocky. In a way, this was just a remake of that first film. But, that's ok, because that first film was awesome, and so was this.

But this film didn't just see the return of Rocky, but the return of Paulie as well. And Duke. And Spider Rico! They even brought back that little red-headed girl Rocky tried to help in the very first film. It's a different actress and it's really, really contrived, but it still worked because the story was sweet and the actress was really good. Most importantly, it brought back a sense of pride and integrity that all those other films, entertaining as they are, sorely lacked.

It also contains one of Stallone's best monologues ever:



Now, feel free to laugh at how gross Stallone looks these days, and feel free to snicker at his now cliched performance as Rocky... but I don't care. That's a great scene and Stallone delivered. And so did this movie. Go rent it right now.

Rambo
And why not? This was another film that had been rumored about for years and most people considered to be a joke. But after Stallone made another Rocky film to much success and (I think) critical acclaim, why not make another Rambo?

And much like the latest Rocky film, this new Rambo film attempted to distance itself from the previous few sequels by being more mature, thoughtful, dark, and realistic. But while that works for a film like Rocky, it kind of doesn't for a film like Rambo. After all, at its heart, Rambo all of the Rambo films were just big, dumb action movies. Who does he really think he's going to kid by trying to make a big, smart action movie?

Luckily for us, Rambo was still really entertaining because, try as he might to make an intelligent action movie, at the end of the day, he still just wants to show Rambo shooting people until their heads explode and their intestines fall out of their bellies. And, no, I'm not making that up. This was without a doubt the goriest war film I've ever seen. This film made the opening scene from Private Ryan look like a scene from Private Benjamin.

Seriously. Check this scene out... if you think you can handle it:



I guess he wanted to show the real horrors of war or something? I dunno. All I know is it made me sick. But I loved it. I mean, that's why I go to the movies. To see heads explode and intestines slosh.

But the main problem with this movie? Richard Crenna died before he could reprise his role as Colonel Trautman. Crenna was a reliable actor who somehow managed to give these films a sense of reality and maybe even gravitas. I just always felt that something was missing. RIP, Richard Crenna.

The Expendables
This movie is in production at the moment with a planned release date for 2010, but it's going to be the best movie ever made. I don't know anything about it other than that it will star Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren.

How could that be bad?