Classic Babe

Duckth Vader

Yeah, that's the best joke I could come up with, sorry.

Anyway, now that my Part-3-Athon is over, I can finally comment on all the stuff other bloggers have been discussing all month. As we all know, the Internet has been abuzz with the recent acquisition of Lucasfilm by Disney for the low price of $4.5 billion. And I'm not being facetious when I call it a low price, considering how Disney bought Pixar for $7 billion or how Facebook bought Instagram (Insta-fucking-gram!) for a cool billion. All things considered, that's a hell of a deal, and I'd bet just the Star Wars Lego division will make that money back in just a few years.

But what's my opinion on this deal? Frankly, I don't give a damn.

I certainly find it interesting from a business point of view, but I'll be the first to admit I know nothing about business.

Am I afraid for the future of Star Wars? No.

I've heard from many people who are afraid for how the upcoming films and TV projects will be without the influence of George Lucas. Did those people see the prequels? I'm of the opinion that less influence from old George might be just the thing Star Wars needs for its return to glory. Don't get me wrong: I love the prequels. I own them all on DVD and on Blu Ray and rewatch them more than I rewatch anything. But they're not good movies, and they feel so far removed from the original trilogy that they feel like Star Wars as written and conceived in a parallel universe. So I don't see how any upcoming trilogy can really damage a franchise that, frankly, has been damaged and living on life-support for decades. And, really, the people who are complaining about Lucas selling to Disney are probably the same people who complained about how the prequels raped their childhoods. I hate those people.

So if I feel anything about this project, it's curiousity and a sense of excitement that we'll finally get more films. I think that's cool. If I have any hopes or desires for things I'd like to see in the new films, I guess my main wish would that they are all live-action and not CG. I enjoy the Clone Wars series (both of them!), but Star Wars just doesn't feel like Star Wars to me when it's not live action.

I'd also love to see the original cast back together, even if they're just in supporting roles. Mark Hammil as an aging Jedi Master would be amazing, and anybody who's seen Cowboys vs Aliens or Kingdom of the Crystal Skull knows Harrison Ford is still a badass. I haven't seen Carrie Fisher or Billy Dee Williams in forever, but if either of them are cast in the movie, that would be awesome. Billy Dee is still alive, right?

And, finally, I'd like to see an original story. Well, that's not entirely true, since a lot of stuff from the Expanded Universe is very cool. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to see a film version of the Thrawn trilogy, which is a suggestion I've read all over the internet. I seem to be the only Star Wars fan who thinks Timothy Zahn's trilogy of novels that continued the story after Return of the Jedi are awful. Zahn is a fine writer, but the stories are so trite and weak in conception that I found them to be far more obnoxious and lacking than the prequel films. Oh, and Thrawn is just a lame character.

But whatever they do, I'll go see it. I mean, it's Star Wars.

Blasters N Roses

I don't understand what this is, but I love it. Two of my favorite things have finally come together, Star Wars and GNR:

In Memoriam: Irvin Kershner (1923-2010)

Oh no again!

Filmmaker Irvin Kershner died today at the age of 87. Over the course of his career, he directed at least one great movie and a few pretty entertaining ones. The great one, of course, is the second Star Wars film The Empire Strikes Back, which is on my list of the top ten best films ever made of all time ever. For that film alone he earned himself a spot on the Geeks Hall of Fame. But he also made his mark on the James Bond series by directing the much maligned but actually not that bad Never Say Never Again, that brought Sean Connery back to the role after about twenty years or so. He also directed the much maligned but still better than part 3 Robocop 2.

Go honor his memory by listening to his fantastic audio commentary on the Empire Strikes Back DVD. He was a smart guy and a fantastic director who deserved a better career.

Video Clip of the Week: Donnie and Marie Starwars Special

This is just awesome. This special from the Donnie and Marie show is a step above the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special, but not by much. At least it has funny guest bits from people like Red Foxx and Paul Lynde. Also, Kris Kristofferson as Han Solo is incredible.

Star Wars: The Solo Adventures

This is amazing.

A Galactic Empire State of Mind

This is pretty dumb and not nearly as funny as you're going to want it to be -- and it seems to have been created simply because the title is a clever play on Jay Z's Empire State of Mind. Still, they clearly put a lot of work into this thing and it does feature a really cute girl as Princess Leia (in her slave girl bikini no less!).

If the embedded video looks weird on your monitor, follow this link.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Lego - The Force Unleashed.

This is amazing:

Death Troopers

Death Troopers is a zombie novel set in the Star Wars universe.

As a zombie fan and a Star Wars fan it was never a matter of if I'd read Death Troopers, but when. To my credit, I didn't buy it, but I did request to have it put on hold for me at my local library. I mean... it's a Star Wars zombie novel. Who wouldn't want to read that? And, as far as these things go, it's not a terrible book, though it certainly wasn't a very good one. But I enjoyed it, for the most part.

To begin with, Joe Schreiber is a wonderful writer. His prose is clean and eloquent, and his ability to build up tension is incredible. This is a tense, even scary book. The man knows how to write horror and how to keep a reader on the edge of his or her seat. The first half of this novel was all build up and suspense, and the only problem was that the story just never deliveredin the end. But I enjoyed his writing enough to be interested in checking out one of his non-Star Wars horror novels.

But... everything else about this novel was pretty terrible. It was just trite, cliche, and completely anticlimactic. It takes place on some intergalactic Imperial prison barge that comes across a derelict Imperial starship... that's infected with zombies. The entire "plague" sweeps through the ship in about five minutes, killing off everybody except for the five or so main characters, who are only said to have some kind of "immunity" that kept them from being killed off. And then, of course, the dead eventually start to rise.  The rising of the dead seems selective, however, since out of a thousand or so zombies, the only ones that seem to attack are either family members, friends, or loved ones. Seriously, every time a zombie attacked somebody in this novel, the prose would say something like, "and then the zombie lifted its head and it was Trig's father!"

And then, about halfway through the novel, there was a big reveal of two major Star Wars characters who just happened to be stuck in solitary confinement during the events of this book. I won't spoil it for anybody, but it is odd that Han Solo and Chewie never mentioned in any of the films about how they fought and beat an army of zombie storm troopers. You'd think that would've come up in conversation during the long space voyage to Alderan.

At the end of the day, there is little to recommend this book either for Star Wars fans or zombie fans. Strictly speaking, these weren't really zombies, and their level of ability and intelligence seemed to change from chapter to chapter, depending on the contrivances of the plot the author demanded. And after you take away Han Solo and a few casual mentions of Star Wars details ("that zombie moved as fast as a gundark!"), this was pretty far removed from the Star Wars universe as a whole. I mean, if you're going to have zombies in the Star Wars universe, you'd better have a Jedi slicing some up with his lightsaber. Otherwise, what's the point?

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Not to be confused with Attack of the Clones, the live action film in the prequel series, Clone Wars, the traditional cell animated cartoon from a few years back, or even The Clone Wars CG film that acted as a prequel to this new CG series that airs weekly on the Cartoon Network.

Anyway, it took me a while to really give this show a chance. I loved the prequels (and also hated them a little bit, but enough on that), but never really got into the previous animated show because I don't care for cartoons. CG cartoons I'm also not crazy about, unless they are made by Pixar. Oh, and also, that first CG Clone Wars movie was awful. The animation was neat and some of the action set pieces were off the hook, but the story was so bad, so boring, and so unengaged, that it made the prequels look like they had been written by Tolstoy.

But this show is pretty good.

I think it has the benefit of not having to sustain a story for a full two hours, opting instead to show little snippets of the Clone Wars in traditional 30 minute episodes, all of which are extremely well done. The writing is some of the best any Star Wars production has ever seen, the direction shows meticulous attention to detail, and the action sequences are amazing. This show is just exciting and fun to watch. Also, the voice work is phenomenal. For the first few episodes I watched, I couldn't believe how they managed to get Ewen MacGregor and Hayden Christensen for this series... until I noticed that they weren't listed in the credits. You'll never notice any differences. These guys are good.

So it's a good show -- perhaps even a great show -- that still isn't quite as awesome or memorable as it should be, if only because the Clone Wars are such an awkward period in the Star Wars mythology. At the end of the day, we already know which of these characters live, which die, and how the war itself plays out. When they go on some mission to stop Dooku or Grevious, we know it won't succeed because those two are in the Episode III, which takes place years later chronologically. Also, there's the added wrinkle that the entire Clone War was hatched as a plot by Palpatine to attain more power over the Republic, so the idea of watching all of the Jedi used as pawns in an ultimately pointless war never sits right with me.

But it's still a really cool show with awesome voice work, great animation, and incredible action sequences. It's Star Wars.

You can check out a few full episodes online at the Cartoon Network website. Watch the Mandalore Plot episode. The big fight at the end is off the hook.

The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy

I like the Star Wars prequels, but I don't love them. I watch and rewatch them all the time because they are ridiculously entertaining films full of excitement, action, and amazing visuals. But there are a few, fundamental problems that simply hold me back from heaping upon them the same pure, unconditional love I show for the original trilogy.

And, no, it isn't Jar Jar. I kind of like Jar Jar. He's cute and he makes me laugh.

And no, it isn't Hayden Christensen or Jake Lloyd's performances as Anakin Skywalker. I actually think both are ok actors who did as much as they could with what they were given. These movies would've been far worse with less talented, charismatic actors. Well, ok, Jake Lloyd is pretty obnoxious, but he still isn't what kills this movie for me.

And no, it isn't midiclorians, too much talk about trade negotiations, political dealings, or senate hearings. All of that was boring to be sure, but no more so than talk about wamp rats or Beggar's Canyon back home.

No, what kills these movies for me is the depiction of the Jedi as some weird, Buddhist like religion and Anakin's downfall being do to his inability to... not love the people who are close to him. These concepts kill the films for me on a fundamental level not only because they are stupid and make no sense, but because they are contrary to the ethics on which I attempt to base my own life.

Jedi really can't love? Jedi can't get married? Jedi can't have any attachments, property, or material goods? Come on. They took what used to be the coolest occupation of all and turned them into lifeless, sexless monks.

And we are really expected to believe that Anakin is corrupted to the darkside because he loves his mother and because he loves Padme? So love is bad? If it had just been because of his secret relationship with Padme -- including their secret marriage and her secret pregnancy -- maybe I could understand why that might be bad. But he shouldn't love his mother? He shouldn't miss his mother? Even though he left her as a kid to wallow and suffer alone as a slave on Tatooine? I'm not sure where George Lucas is from, but I've always thought that the people who don't love their mothers are the ones who turn out to be sociopathic followers of the darkside.

Basically what I'm saying this is: My ultimate goal in this life is still to become a Jedi, but when I do, I want to be able to bang chicks and love my mother without fear of turning evil. The prequels ruined that dream for me. But at least they have lots of cool space battles and lightsaber fights.

R2-D2's Blog

R2-D2 has a new blog. Check it out:

Droidian Slip

Heir to the Empire

Well, this is why my fans keep coming back to my blog: to read my opinions on Star Wars novels that were originally published 18 years ago. Give the people what the want, that's my motto.

Anyway, long story short... this novel was terrible.

"What," you're probably asking yourselves, "You were expecting maybe... Tolstoy?" Well, no, but considering how much I loved it when it first came out (when I was 14!), and considering how much praise has been heaped on it over the years by my fellow Star Wars fans, I was expecting something special. Or, at the very least, something that wasn't, well terrible.

And, no, I don't think I was expecting too much. There is a stigma against licensed novels, but it is one that isn't necessarilly fair in the case of the "Expanded Universe" of the Star Wars novels. Unlike most licensed novels, the publishers of the Star Wars books actually hire a lot of well respected, established writers, which tends to give them a literary (or at least entertainment) value that would otherwise be lacking. Some of them are actually very good and compliment the films very well. And Heir to the Empire, the first in a trilogy by Timothy Zahn, should have been one of those good Star Wars novels. After all, Zahn was one of those well respected, established writers. He had already written a dozen or so science fiction novels, and had even won the Hugo award for best novella in 1984.

So why did he drop the ball with this novel? Some of its problem may have had to do with the fact that he was already an established science fiction novelist. After all, Star Wars is not science fiction, it's fantasy, and that is a problem many writers have had trouble resolving. Star Wars takes place in space, sure, and features technology and science concepts far advanced from our own, but it is told with a sense of mystery and magic and, well, fantasy, that makes it closer to Tolkien or even mythology than Asimov or Heinlein. Zahn doesn't understand that, and in fact seems to rebel against it. There is even an animal in this novel that is somehow able to repel the Force, almost as though Zahn is telling us that the very concept of the Force is silly and unneeded.

But we can't blame Zahn too much for inconsistencies in tone from the original trilogy of films, because this book was written almost ten years after Return of the Jedi was released, during a time well before the Expanded Universe of Star Wars novels really exploded. In fact, Zahn's novels helped to create that Expanded Universe, which brought the films back into popularity, which helped to generate the excitement that led to the release of the Special Editions and the Prequels. So the impact and importance of Zahn's novels can't be denied, but that still doesn't mean they're any good.

The humor from the films, for example, is something Zahn tried his best to translate to his books, but with little success. The films are very goofy and funny and silly, so Zahn attempted to add some levity, like in the scenes where 3PO is given Leia's voice to trick people over the communications link, or when Luke makes a big deal out of some new drink, that's called Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate? I'm willing to believe that such a drink exists in the Star Wars universe, but its existence shouldn't be used as a punchline to a joke. There is a chapter where Luke is said to be drinking some exotic beverage that Lando told him about. He keeps sipping from it, and then, finally, somebody asks him what it is, and he replies that it is called hot chocolate. I can't quite explain why this was so annoying and weak, but I bet you can kind of understand.

Then there are the huge, ridiculous plot contrivances. There are three huge coincidences in this novel that completely ruin any kind of plot or story flow. There are actually three instances where Luke in his X Wing and Han in the Millennium Falcon independently decide to visit some such location, at the exact moment when the Empire decides to launch an attack. Three times. Three. Once was annoying but forgivable, two was a sign of bad writing and poor editing, but three made me want to chuck the book across the room into the garbage can.

And, lastly, we have to discuss Thrawn, who was unjustly become something of a fan favorite villain amongst Star Wars fans. I saw unjustly because he's actually a really boring, ill-thought out character. To begin with, he has no real personality or defining characteristics beyond his blue skin. We're supposed to believe he's some kind of military genius, but not because we see him do anything remotely logical during battle, but because the writer has characters describe him as such.

But wait, you might be asking, what about his ability to understand the weaknesses of any race by completely studying their art? What about it? It's completely moronic and makes no sense. You really think that an alien culture could defeat Earth in a massive space battle simply because they studied the works of Picasso? It's a cute idea to be sure, and one that amost seems clever and smart, but it falls apart after even a three year old gives it two minutes of thought. Thrawn sucks.

And so did this book.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some Halo novels to read.

Star Wars, an Updated Perspective

I was sick this week so I stayed home and watched the (original) Star Wars trilogy (and the Holiday Special!) over the course of a couple days. Over the years, I've rewatched these films quite a bit, but it's been years since I've actually sat through them all in such short order. Anyway, here are some completely random, unrelated thoughts from a jaded, aging, sick Star Wars fan:

1. These films are a lot better than the prequels. Maybe this goes without saying, but I've long thought I preferred the prequels. I'm a sucker for CG and the prequels are chock full of the sweetest CG effects ever. Most people will tell you they have too much CG, but I think those people are crazy. But what they don't have are good stories that make any sense.

2. Why didn't Chewie mention in A New Hope that he also fought in the Clone Wars? With Yoda, no less. When Luke went to Dagobah to train with Yoda, why didn't Chewie tell him to say hi?

3. It takes Palpatine 3 whole movies and almost twenty years to seduce Anakin to the dark side of the force. He starts schmoozing him when he was just a kid, slowly turning on the charm over the years, and preying upon his fears and weaknesses until Anakin thought that Palpatine was the only friend he had. So why does Palpatine think he can turn Luke over the course of an hour or so just by being a huge dick to him? What changed?

Also... how does the Dark Side work anyway? According to the prequels, Anakin already had a predisposition toward being angry and violent, and even he had to be coaxed and seduced and tricked before he turned evil. But according to Palpatine in Return of the Jedi, all Luke had to do was kill Vader (in a fair fight no less!) and he would turn evil. Huh? Even though killing Vader in combat was exactly what Yoda and Obi Wan told Luke he had to do in order to become a Jedi?

So let me get this straight... in order to become Jedi, Luke has to kill Vader. But if Luke kills Vader, he turns to the dark side? That makes no sense by any standard or stretch of the imagination. 

4. What's this nonsense about the prophecy of the Chosen One anyway? Apparently some "chosen one" is going to come along and rid the universe of the dark side of the force. And, yet, at that point in the story... there is no Sith and nobody who appears to be under the influence of the dark side. In fact, when Qui Gon finally does meet Darth Maul, the Council at first doesn't believe him, because they thought the Sith had been extinct for centuries.

So wouldn't they have naturally assumed that the chosen one had come and gone and done his thing way back when the Sith actually were presumed dead and gone?

5. Can anybody try to explain to me why Obi Wan and Yoda are in exile again when there's a Rebellion going on to stop the Empire? At least Obi Wan agrees to help out when the Rebellion comes calling. Also, if you've read any of the novels or comics from the Expanded Universe, you've learned that the Jedi who survived the great purge at the end of Episode III are a dime a dozen. So why is Luke the only hope for the galaxy?

But whatever. I still love these movies. They're just good fun. 

Star Wars Sooper Special Editions

Be warned, this is going to be my geekiest post yet:

Earlier this week, yet another Star Wars set came out for sale. This was only the second release on DVD (I think), but the billionth version over all. This is now, probably, the fourth time I've bought some version of the Star Wars trilogy. I'm not complaining mind you. I'm just saying is all. This version is unique in that it combines the recently redone special editions and the original theatrical cuts. It doesn't come with the super spiffy documentaries and stuff on the set that came out a year or two ago, but if you want to be a completest and have both versions of the films, these are the ones to get.

Personally, I like the special editions better for the most part. Sure, there are some really weird, wacky editions that don't sit right, like Han shooting first, a few changes in dialogue here and there, and the wacky comic relief thrown in to the new introduction of Mos Eisley, but I still prefer it for the new special effects and subtle tweaks. Frankly, I don't think Lucas changed enough. Rewatching the original editions again really brought to light all the ways the first trilogy doesn't completely match up with the newer prequels.

Lucas should go balls out in his next special edition of Star Wars.

First of all, I need more Sam Jackson. You can't really expect somebody to sit through six films if Sam Jackson is only in the first three. You'd go through Sam Jackson withdrawls. Does anybody really believe Mace Windu died after Anakin sliced him up and threw him out of a window? Lucas should change the original Star Wars so, in that scene in Obi Wan's house, Mace is just chillin' on the couch watching TV. He can be like, "FINALLY you brought that motherfucker over to teach him the motherfuckin' force. Why the fuck we been sitting here in the desert for sixteen motherfuckin' years is beyond me. I need to get out and get some of that Corellian pussy!"

And then Lucas could just stick footage of Sam Jackson into the background, saying things like, "I don't care how bad it smells, get the fuck in there, motherfucker!" or "Shut down all the motherfucking garbage mashers on the motherfucking detention level!"

Or in that scene where Luke asks Obi Wan about his father and Obi says something like, "A young pupil of mine named Darth Vader betrayed and murders your father," Obi should actually say something like, "Oh yeah, Darth Vader is your father." And then Mace can lean over and say something like, "No shit. Motherfucker was one bad motherfucking dude. Killed babies and shit. Nice genes, motherfucker."

And then, in that scene where Obi fights Vader and Vader says something like, "When last we met, I was but the learner, now I am the mastah!" Lucas should change it so Vader says something like, "Hey, asshole, I'm gonna fuck you up for chopping off my legs and throwing me into a pit of lava. What the fuck was that about, man?! Who's got the high ground now, bitch?!"

Or in that scene where Luke asks Leia if she remembers her mother and she says yes, Lucas should change it so she says, "No, I don't remember my mother at all. I do remember... and this is going to sound weird... but I think I was raised by Jimmy Smitts? It never really occurred to me until now but why is my father hispanic? Think I'm adopted maybe?" And Luke could be like, "Jimmy Smitts? Really? I mean, he was good on L.A. Law and all, but Star Wars? Whatever. Yeah, I don't remember my mother either..."

Or in that scene where Leia kisses Luke on the lips, Mace can lean in and yell, "God damn!! Oh no you didn't!! You know she's your sistah, right?! You know that bitch is your sistah?! God damn, motherfucker! Or should I say 'sisterfucker'?"

Those would be some sweet movies.