That isn't to say this was a bad movie or that I was at all disappointed or let down, it's just that the first one was better is all. Maybe it's because the first film had more novelty and felt fresh while this one is just more of the same. Maybe it's because this film felt like less of an ensemble and more of a starring vehicle for Stallone. Maybe it's because this one had a weaker story and more muddled direction. Maybe it's because I'm a few years older and more mature. Maybe it's because I watched this one alone in my apartment instead of on opening night in a theater full of like-minded Stallone fans. Or maybe it was just because it wasn't a very good movie.
I dunno.
Anyway, I liked it.
If you liked the first film -- and I can't imagine that anybody would go see it unless they were the kind of person who was going to love it -- you'll like this one too, since it brings back almost all of the main characters and puts them through the same intense, over the top action. The I described the original film's finale as the best action sequence in movie history, but the opening of this one maybe tops it. This was seriously one epic opening battle that was ridiculous in all the right ways, perfectly creating one of the most epic introductions to some of history's most epic action stars. But then it kind of lost steam, and even though there was a lot of action along the way, it was never as creative or fun as that opening, nor as anything from the first film. It all just kind of played out with people shooting until they run out of bullets and then throwing knives into some merc's throat. In any other film review, that would be a rave recommendation, but for an Expendables film I just expected more.
I don't really remember the main plot of the first film (and that's as it should be!), but this one is about the team's search for revenge after one of their own is murdered in cold blood during a mission. But don't get too worked up, since the Expendable who died wasn't anybody from the first film, but a new character played by the very handsome but very bland Liam Hemsworth. Listen... if you're going to make your entire film revolve around a revenge story, you have to make it about a character we care about, not some new guy who was shoe-horned in just so he could be killed off in the first half hour. This would've been a much stronger story had they killed off one of the main guys, and at least that would've explained why none of them had much screen time anyway. I hardly remember Randy Couture or Terry Crews being in this movie at all, and Jet Li really only had a cameo before he disappeared all together.
There was also some woman added to the team which didn't really work. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with women in action movies, I'm just saying I didn't know who this actress was and that she was bland and added nothing to the story.
There was also an appearance or two by Chuck Norris, which sounds cool but it didn't really work either, since he was so awkwardly forced into the movie with no real explanation or thought. It was kind of funny how Norris basically played some god-like force or nature who showed up when the team needed him most, killed everybody, then vanished again, but it just didn't work for me. And having Chuck Norris repeat one of his internet meme "facts" isn't meta humor, it's just kind of dumb.
Much more fun were the expanded roles for Bruce Willis and Arnold. But then again, Chuck Norris's fame is kind of based on the fact that he's kind of a joke whereas these guys are famous because they're awesome, so having more of both actors is always great. I could've done without all the "I'll be back" and "terminator" jokes, however, since a little of that goes a long way.
And I don't know about Jean-Claude Van Damme as the villain. He was a lot of fun, but he didn't really do much and I never really knew what his plan was. But Van Damme is always funny, and his big fight against Stallone at the end was fantastic.
But the main problem -- and this is going to sound like a dumb criticism of a big budget action movie throw back -- is that the script lacked wit. The first movie was just as funny as it was exciting, but this one just fell flat in too many places. Here's one example: At one point Stallone and Jason Statham are running through the jungle when they are suddenly ambushed by a bunch of villains.
Statham: "Did you order room service?"
Stallone: "Not really..."
Not really? Not really?! That was really the best set up and follow through they had? Stallone should've said something like, "I really have to complain to the concierge." Or, "Zagat's gave their service four stars," and then he could've thrown four ninja throwing stars into their throats. But all that happened was he said, "not really," then they stood around awkwardly until he pointed his finger at them at which point some sniper shot them all... which was a bit they ripped off from that movie The Losers anyway. But there were just too many moments like that, where I was left waiting for the joke or one-liner to come... and they just never did. This script just needed a punch-up.
Hey, Sly... if you're reading this, you can use that "four star" gag in The Expendables 3!
So that's the Expendables 2. I liked it and I recommend it for fans of the first film, as long as you go in realize some of the magic has been diluted every so slightly. But I still liked it.
The Blessed Are the Geeks Blog wished a happy and healthy birthday to one of the greatest movie stars of our time, Sylvester Stallone. Words can't express the contributions and impact he has had on the film industry in general and on my life in particular, so I won't even try. Just know that he turns 65 today and he could still kick your ass.
This may have been the best movie I've ever seen in my entire life.
And, no, I'm not going to qualify that by saying “at least, the best movie starring Sylvester Stallone,” or even “at least, the best action movie.” This was possibly the best movie I've ever seen in my life because it was almost as though Sylvester Stallone set out to make a film with a single purpose: to entertain Donald W. Pfeffer. Seriously, if Hollywood handed me a bunch of money and the freedom to make any movie I wanted, I would've made The Expendables. In fact, the only thing that keeps this from being the perfect film is that there are no dinosaurs. But it does have Mickey Rourke and Eric Roberts, so that's close enough.
But, seriously, this film was a love letter from Stallone to fans of classic, old school, bad ass action films. But, more specifically, it was written as a love letter to Donald W. Pfeffer. Stallone must read my blog because there's no other way such a perfect film could've been made that not only matched every impossibly high expectation I had, but drop-kicked those expectations and blew them away in nuclear explosion. I wouldn't be at all shocked to learn that, after every take, Stallone said to the crew, "that was good... but would Donald W. Pfeffer love it?" And, in the end, I did.
The Expendables is a film about a group of mercenaries who are sent in to some Latin American country to take down some evil dictator. And that's the entire story. There are a few little asides here and there (Jason Stathom's girlfriend may be cheating on him, Mickey Rourke gives the occasional tattoo, etc), but for the most part, it is just a movie designed to have an entire army blown to bits by Stallone and his crew, and the film is the better for it. If you are interested in learning some profound truth about the human condition, go rent My Left Foot or Sophie's Choice. If you want to watch a movie where the dad from Everybody Hates Chris shoots people with a gun so powerful it tears them apart at the torso, go see the Expendables. I guess this movie actually does say something about the human condition after all: our bodies look awesome when they explode.
Everybody already knows that this film has one of the best casts in action-movie history, but I'm going to take a minute to talk about just how epic and amazing this ensemble really is. Let's start by discussing the Expendables themselves and how each one connects to Stallone and to the action genre at large. Even the name of the film and group is already a reference to a monologue Stallone gives in Rambo: First Blood Part II about how he is expendable to the American government. Unless I'm reading too much into things.
Stallone
The greatest action star of all time. I suppose that could be a matter for debate, but it's a debate I would win every time, hands down. He is just a virtuoso of the action genre, having written, directed, and starred in some of the most awesome movies ever made. Only Stallone could have created this film and assembled this cast. When it comes to the Expendables, he was the only one who was absolutely essential. Stallone Connection: Stallone Himself
Jason Statham
The best current action star, and maybe even something of a young Stallone himself. It was important to cast a current star who is still relevant to the film industry, and Stallone made the right choice with the actor whose character is as much the star as Stallone. Even considering the huge ensemble cast, the film still plays as something of a buddy film between Stallone's Barney Ross and Statham's Lee Christmas. Yeah, that is his name. Don't ask me why. Anyway, Statham is awesome, having the brawn of Stallone and the martial arts skill of an Eastern action star, he also gave the film a sense of wit and grit. Stallone Connection: He recently starred in the remake of Stallone's film Deathrace 2000
Dolph Lundgren
After Stallone and Statham, the actor I was most excited to see was Dolph. Most people won't remember this, but Lundgren was a certified movie star during the mid 80s and early 90s, featuring in such notable films as Masters of the Universe, The Punisher, and Showdown in Little Tokyo with Brandon Lee. Dolph is a great looking, physically imposing giant who's also a pretty good actor. Anyway, he was good in this movie, standing out as the Expendable with the most interesting story arc. Dolph pretty much stole the movie in my opinion. Stallone Connection: Starred opposite Stallone as the villain in Rocky IV
Jet Li
Jet Li is a certified, world-renowned movie star, but I've never been that big of a fan. I have tremendous respect for his acting and marital arts talents, but I simply never got into his films all that much when I -- and he -- first got into martial arts movies. I was always a bigger fan of Jackie Chan and Donnie Yen. But I give Li his props and think he's a fantastic fighter and actor. I just don't have much nostalgia for him or even know much about his films. He was great in this movie, although I wish he had had a chance to do a little more fighting. Stallone Connection: None, but he did star in War and The One with Jason Statham
Randy Couture
I'd never heard about this guy until I heard about this film. I guess he's some kind of UFC fighter turned actor. Before today, I'd never seen him fight and I'd never seen him act. But judging by this, he does both fairly well, though he probably succeeds a little bit more at fighting. He had a good screen presence and got some really funny lines. I liked him. Stallone Connection: No idea. Probably none. But he was in Cradle 2 the Grave with Jet Li. I never saw it.
Terry Crews
Now this guy should be in every movie, and luckily it seems like he is. He's just always funny, always imposing, and always cool. He didn't have a very big role in this film, but his few moments were memorable. His main characteristic was that he had a really big gun that blew people up. So that's pretty sweet right there. Stallone Connection: Just that he's awesome.
Mickey Rourke
His role was that of an ex-Expendable, who runs a tattoo parlor where the team goes to relax and gather between missions. He also may be the man who sets them up with missions, but that's kept somewhat mysterious. Anyway, he plays Mickey Rourke. He only has a couple of scenes, but in a way his character is the heart of the movie. His big monologue about why he got out of the mercenary business is one of the best scenes in the movie, and it was powerfully acted and filmed. He should get an Oscar. Stallone Connection: A fellow washed-up action star from the 80s, and I mean that as a compliment. Neither man would deny it. He was also in Get Carter with Stallone, but nobody saw that.
And now for the villains:
Eric Roberts
Up there with Gary Busey as one of the all time great scenery-chewers. Really, if you're going to make an 80s throwback action movie, why not get Eric Roberts as the main villain? I can't think of anybody who is cooler and more obnoxious, in just the right measures and combinations. He did fine here as an a 80s movie cliche. Stallone Connection: Other than being another relic from the 80s, he starred with Stallone in the Specialist and with Mickey Rourke in The Pope of Greenwhich Village. He was also in the Ambulance with Stan Lee, but that's another blog post.
Steve Austin
AKA, Stone Cold Steven Austin. Austin was a WWF (WWE?) wrestler who rose to fame after I grew out of wrestling. But he was so fun and cool, I did watch a few matches here and there just because of him. His trademark was drinking beer in the ring and then giving the crowd the finger. He also attempted an acting career, but it didn't really go anywhere. But he was good here as the silent but imposing muscle to Eric Roberts's brains. He got to beat the crap out of Stallone, and according to rumor actually broke his neck during filming. That's bad ass. Stallone Connection: Um... he wrestled with Hulk Hogan, who acted in Rocky III?
Gary Daniels
Don't feel bad that you haven't heard of this guy, since his name wasn't even on the poster or mentioned alongside the other actors. But when he popped up alongside Steve Austin and Eric Roberts, I got excited. Gary Daniels is a kickboxer turned B movie star. More than that, there isn't much to say. I only saw one of his films (the abysmal Epicenter), and only because I bought it as a joke for my friend Anna. Anyway, this guy is actually a pretty cool kick boxer and a likable enough actor. He had a pretty good fight scene where he got to be killed by Jet Li. That will probably by the highlight of his career, but I think that's pretty cool. Stallone Connection: Stallone put him in this movie. Maybe he said hello to him on the set.
David Zayas
This guy was probably cast because he's a pretty good actor. I'd seen him before, but he certainly wasn't as big a name as these other guys. But, like I said, he stood his own because he's a good actor. Stallone had to cast at least one, right? Stallone Conection: None.
And then we have the cameos by: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis
I don't think I need to introduce these two, since they are action icons themselves. Much has probably already been written about the single scene featuring these two and Stallone, but I thought it was amazing. Honestly, from start to finish (including the amazing intro and exit by Arnold), I was completely giddy and smiley and amazed. It was just perfectly shot, perfectly written, and acted to perfection as well. I finally got to see Arnold and Sly together on screen, and it was hilarious. This was the best moment in film history, and I'm only kind of joking.
So enough about the cast, how was the rest of the movie? It was awesome. Honestly, it was just one long action sequence starring the above mentioned actors. What's not to like? The story was somewhat cliched and unoriginal, but it worked as a hinge upon which to have a bunch of action set pieces involving armies of people getting killed. And, sure, the body count was exceptionally high, but the filming of the action was what sold the movie. Even if he stops acting (and let's home he doesn't for a very long time), Stallone could have a big career as a director. This is just an exciting, awesome, balls to the wall action film that never lets up. Honestly, the last 45 minutes or so was one long, sustained action sequence that was the best action sequence I've ever seen. And in a review that has used a lot of hyperbole for humorous intent, that was absolutely the truth.
The only real criticism I have is that some of the action scenes are more heavily edited than I would've liked. Considering how this is an old school action film, I would rather Stallone had used more old school action film techniques. The editing was very well done for the most part, but the inter-cutting was a little too fast during Jet Li's too big fights, which was kind of a let down. When you have a martial artist with the prowess of Jet Li, you set the camera down and let him show off his stuff. Also the car chase scene was filmed way too close, which distracted a bit from the drama and made it hard to tell the distances between the cars and to follow along with the driving. But none of this killed the film at all.
Bottom line, if the studio wants a blurb they can use for the DVD box, here's my main reaction: If you have a pair of balls and a dick, go see this movie, or else have them removed and returned to god because you don't deserve to have them.
Today is Sylvester Stallone's birthday. In case you've never met me or have never read this blog before, I'm a big Stallone fan. In fact, Stallone is one of my top five or so favorite movie stars of all time. Today he turned 64, and he could still kick your ass.
Celebrate the day in style by watching Tango and Cash on Netflix's Instant Viewing page. That's what I'm doing. What's funny is that I started watching this movie before I saw that it was even Stallone's birthday. That's how in sync Stallone and I am. No shit.
This is probably the most important blog post anybody has ever written.
And, no, I'm not talking about that new movie (or even that old movie). I'm talking about the clash of the real titans: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, arguably the two greatest action stars of all time. Both have made their mark on film history and popular culture, but whose legacy reigns supreme? Who is the greatest action star of all time? Who is the coolest actor ever?
Let's find out by taking a close look at each actor in a few different categories, awarding points based on each round. Even I don't know who's going to win this one. Let's get right to it:
Acting Talent:
Let's just get this one out of the way. This is either the most important talent for an action star or the most irrelevant. I'm not sure which. Both of these two are underrated actors in my opinion. That isn't to say they are both master class thespians, but they both have a lot of talent that make them more than the mindless, musclebound dolts many people would lead you to believe they are.
Stallone has been nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award for crying out loud, in 1977 alongside William Holden and Robert De Niro, all of whom lost out to Peter Finch for Network. He was also nominated for the Golden Globe that same year, and a slew of other awards. Since Rocky, his nominations have been few and far between, but it's still better than Arnold, who ain't won shit except an MTV movie award for T2 and a Kid's Choice Award for Kindergarten Cop.
On the other hand, Sly has "won" more Razzies than Arnold (8 to Arnold's 1), including the distinction of winning their "Worst Actor of the Century" award. Ouch.
Winner: Stallone. Nobody can match Arnold's effortless charm, but when it comes to the actual craft of acting, creating characters, and giving nuanced performances, Stallone wins hands down, even if only for his amazing performance in Rocky.
Physique:
Both men are huge, incredible athletes, but only one was Mr. Olympia... seven times in a row. Arnold Schwarzenegger was arguably the greatest bodybuilder of all time, but it's no question he was the most famous. Also, Arnold is 6'2" while Sly is 5'9". You could argue that makes Sly more lithe and agile, but that would just be silly. At the end of the day, Stallone makes a very convincing boxer or green beret, but Schwarzenegger looks like he could catch a missile in his teeth.
And while neither actor can really be considered classically handsome, Schwarzenegger's Austrian features are simply more imposing and regal. He looks like a cyborg or a Cimmerian Warrior. Sly just looks like a broken down boxer from South Philly.
Winner: Arnold.
Signature Roles:
Both men have two major characters/series to their credit: Sly has Rocky and Rambo while Arnold has Conan and the Terminator. Sly's character's are arguably more iconic and better known. Rocky and Rambo are household terms. As is the Terminator to a certain extent, but as much for the skeletal robots as for the Arnold character. And while Schwarzenegger was perfectly cast as Conan the Barbarian, the character was already world famous from the Robert E. Howard stories and the Marvel comics. One might even argue that the depictions of the character in the drawings of John Buscema or the paintings by Frank Frazetta are as indelible in the public memory of the character as Arnold's depiction.
But at the end of the day, Stallone is Rocky and, to a lesser extent, Rambo. Nobody ever made any sequels or remakes to Rocky and Rambo without Stallone. The very idea of such a thing is ridiculous. But Conan was a character before Arnold and he is still character long after he stopped playing him. And they keep cranking out Terminator movies, TV shows, and comics, a lot of which are vastly superior than Part 3.
Winner: Stallone. You could make the argument that the Terminator is the best movie villain of all time, but Rocky is arguably the best hero. And the hero always wins.
Filmmaking: This is a tricky category, and it basically only exists because Stallone has written and directed so many of his own films. Schwarzenegger has never written anything so far as I know, and has only directed one episode of Tales From the Crypt and a made for TV movie that was terrible. So maybe he has no real interest in filmmaking beyond simply acting, and that's fine. But I would be remiss if I didn't give props to Sly for being... well... a perfectly adequate director of top notch action films. His is a style that is best suited to movies like Rocky 4, where the characters have already been firmly established by better directors in previous films and where the plots move forward only through musical montages. Had he directed Schindler's List, there would've been a lot more musical montages of Liam Neeson working out in his factory while steam and smoke billowed in the background. Also, Hitler would've been played by Mr. T.
And he is also a wonderful writer, believe it or not. He even received his second Academy Award nomination for Rocky. He was actually only the third filmmaker to receive nominations for acting and writing in the same year, after Orson Welles and Charlie Chaplin. Arnold has certainly never done anything over the entire course of his career that could garner him any kind of comparison to either of those two legends.
Winner: Stallone.
Body Count:
I'm not going to count how many people have died in all of their films, but that's only because I don't have to. Stallone made the Rambo movies. In the fourth film alone he probably killed off more people that the Terminator did over the course of three movies. Just watch this scene:
Winner: Stallone. Stallone has killed about a billion people in his films. Still... he's never killed a Predator, but then again, he's never been given the chance. I think Rambo could take a Predator. And why has nobody made that movie? Stop cranking out those terrible Alien Vs Predator movies and start making Rambo Vs Predator already.
Overall Film Oeuvre:
Now, here is where things are going to get somewhat tricky and subjective. I'm going to rank each actor's films into two categories: Those I consider to be good to great, and those I consider to be absolute pieces of garbage, and then weigh the two to see who comes out on top. It's hardly scientific, but it's not as though this is my PhD thesis or anything.
Arnold's Good to Great films are:
Conan the Barbarian
The Terminator
Commando
Predator
The Running Man
Total Recall
Kindergarten Cop (yeah, that's right.)
T2
True Lies
Eraser
The Sixth Day (Why not? It was pretty good, even if it was the worst on this list.
Total Count: 11. Amazing list of films all things considered. T2 in particular is the best action/science fiction film ever made.
Stallone's Good to Great films are:
Rocky
Rocky II
Nighthawks
Victory
Rocky III
First Blood
Rambo: First Blood Part 2
Rocky IV
Lock Up
Cliffhanger
Rambo 3
Demolition Man
Cop Land
Rocky Balboa
Rambo
Total Count: 15. Sly's total count was higher, but the level of quality of Arnold's films may be just a little higher. I was being fairly generous with a few of Stallone's films (like Lock Up and Rambo 3) because they are ridiculously entertaining and awesome, even if they aren't all that well made. But, again, Rocky is one of the greatest films ever made, and First Blood is one of the most perfect action films.
Arnold's Garbage:
Hercules in New York
Red Sonja
Raw Deal
Red Heat
Twins
Last Action Hero
Junior
Jingle All the Way
Batman and Robin
Total Count: 9. Sure, these are all terrible, unwatchable movies, but 9 is a respectable number of mistakes, considering his imdb filmography lists 41 acting credits.
Stallone's Garbage: (and I'm skipping over everything he did before Rocky, since he was young and broke and desperate. Arnold was never any of those things.)
Rhinestone
Cobra
Over the Top
Oscar
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
The Specialist
Judge Dredd
Assassins
Get Carter
Driven
D-Tox
Shade
Spy Kids 3-D
Total Count: 13. These are some terrible films. Still, at least he never made a movie with Sinbad.
Winner: Draw. They both have made a bunch of great films and a bunch of shit. At the end of the day, if Rocky and T2 were the only two films I was allowed to watch for the rest of my life, I'd be ok with that.
Overall Box Office Totals:
By no means should money equal success or any kind of mark of quality, but it does go toward showing a person's success both as a box office draw and as a popular figure in film history. Needless to say, but men have achieved incredible success and made a lot of people a lot of money. But here are the breakdowns according to Box Office Mojo:
(And just remember that none of these totals are adjusted for inflation, so this is hardly scientific.)
Stallone:
Overall film grosses: $1,639,909,420
Average film gross: $49,694,225
Total number of films over 100 million: 5
Highest grossing film: Rambo: First Blood Part II: $150,415,432 (US only.)
Schwarzenegger:
Overall film grosses: $1,621,940,362
Average film gross: $70,519,146
Total number of films over 100 million: 7
Highest grossing film: Terminator 2: $204,843,345
Winner: Schwarzenegger. While Stallone's films have made $17 million more than Schwarzenegger's, that's really not very impressive considering the totals are based on 33 of Stallone's films opposed to 23 of Schwarzenegger's. Adjusted for inflation and considering rentals, things might be different, but I bet Arnold would still come out on top. It's close, but Arnold has always been the bigger box office draw for a longer period of time.
Where Are they Now:
Well, Schwarzenegger is Governor of California... which is cool for him, but lame for us. I have no idea if he's a good Governor nor do I care. I just want to see him cranking out movies. Still, had he stayed in Hollywood, maybe he would've done a bunch of shit like D-Tox and Spy Kids 3-D too.
As for Stallone, he's still making awesome, kick ass action movies! Stallone got a lot of attention for coming back to the Terminator franchise a few years ago, but Stallone said "fuck it" and made another Rocky and another Rambo. And then this year we've got the Expendables, which is going to be the best movie ever made. And according to the imbd, he's making another Rambo movie! What's next? A sequel to Over the Top? I'd watch it.
Winner: Stallone. While Arnold went legit, Stallone stayed the course and kept kicking ass.
Overall Winner: Sylvester Stallone.
All things considered, Schwarzenegger might have a more "respectable" resume, with some of the all time best action films and a few pretty good family films, but Stallone just kicks too much ass. He's a better actor, he's a great writer and director, and even though he stumbled a few times over the course of his career (ok... a lot of times), he never lost site of what the fans want: Rocky and Rambo kicking ass and taking names. That's why he's the greatest action star of all time.
The Expendables is probably going to be the best movie ever made. It's an upcoming action movie written, directed, and starring Sylvester Stallone, featuring Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and has cameos by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I had to wait until I was 33 and it was the 21st century, but my long-held childhood dream of seeing Sly and Arnold in the same film is finally coming true. I'm stoked to see this. It's going to be a good, old fashioned, 2D beat 'em up movie starring the greatest Action star of all time.
The Specialist
This movie is terrible, and not in a good way. I mean, most of Stallone's movies are terrible, but they're still entertaining as hell. The Specialist marked the period in Stallone's career where, with a couple of exceptions, his movies become near unwatchable.
Welcome to third and final part of my Stallone career retrospective. This is where the shit is really going to start to stink.
Judge Dredd
Ugh. This one might be worse than the Specialist, and that's quite a distinction. Where to begin? This was a bad movie based on a bad comic book (that's right, Judge Dredd fans. Deal with it). It was a sci-fi cop buddy film starring Stallone and... Rob Schneider.
This movie was a huge flop, one of the worst of Stallone's career. It made The Specialist look like a smash hit by comparison.
Man, this is getting depressing.
Assassins
This is a marginally better movie than the last two, but it still sucks. It's watchable, at least, and possibly even entertaining from a certain point of view and if you don't have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon and if it comes on TNT.
The problem with this movie, and with most of Stallone's later films, is that it takes itself too seriously. For some reason, Stallone actually thought he was still making good movies. For some reason, Stallone thought that people kept going to his films all those years because they loved the scripts and plots. No, we just want to watch Stallone beat people up and make jokes.
Here's the deal: A serious acting performance by Stallone in a great movie is a thing of beauty. He's a brilliant, underrated actor. But a serious acting performance by Stallone in a piece of shit like Assassins? Come on, man. Lighten up!
Daylight
This film marks the end of a personal era for me. This was the last Stallone film I saw in the theatre, until Rocky Balboa came out ten years later. That's a decade-long drought where I skipped films starring my former favorite actor. It makes me misty just thinking about it. I did see one or two of his films during that decade, but not really by choice, and usually years after they were released, often directly to video.
But we were walking about Daylight. Honestly, I'd rather not. It wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, nor even the worst movie Stallone has ever made, but it just wasn't any good. It's basically a remake of Cliffhanger, only it takes place in a tunnel instead of on a mountain, and it was actually really terrible instead of being really good.
And that's all I have to say about Daylight, other than that things are actually going to get a lot worse before they get better.
The Good Life
I don't even know what this movie is. But it co-stars Dennis Hopper and Andrew Dice Clay, so I'm guessing it's awful. I checked the IMDB to read some reviews and user comments, but there are none. That means nobody on the internet thought this movie was worth talking about. Have you ever been on the internet? Us geeks will talk about anything. But this paragraph is probably the longest thing anybody has ever written about this movie. And that's already too much.
Cop Land
One my one regret (at least, in regards to watching Stallone films. Not about life in general. That would just be silly) is that I somehow missed this film when it was originally released. And that's a shame, because it's a pretty good one. The story was kind of dumb and the whole thing was overrated, but Stallone's performance was probably the best of his career.
Much has been written about how Stallone put on a lot of weight for this role, but the changes me made for this movie were even more profound than that. Everything from the way he walked to the sound of his voice were different in this movie. More so than in any other movie, Stallone actually attempted to create a wholly different, 3 dimensional character unlike anything he has ever played. Had he made more career, and acting, decisions like this one, nobody would be able to parody or make fun of Stallone, because he actually would have been considered an actor.
Anyway, great movie, and Stallone is great in it. He should've gotten a supporting Oscar nomination, in my opinion.
Antz
Stallone did voicework for this subpar computer animated film. I'm not a fan of these crummy Dreamworks Pixar knockoffs, even when they feature Stallone. And, really, when you think of Stallone, does the idea that he'd do stellar voicework really come to mind?
Get Carter
Another piece of garbage that Stallone thought was a good movie. It's based on a "classic" British gangster film starring Michael Caine, but that movie wasn't all that good either. But boy is this one worse. And boring. And, frankly, stupid. It made it to the theaters, though, which is something.
Skip it.
Driven
This film featured a reunion nobody demanded: Stallone back together with Renny Harlin, the man who directed Cliffhanger. Now, I kind of like Renny Harlin. I think he has made some good movies, but for every Cliffhanger or Die Hard 2, he's also made some huge piece of garbage like Cutthroat Island or Deep Blue Sea. Or Driven.
I guess this movie is sort of supposed to be the Rocky of CART racing (whatever that is), but it's more like the Rocky V of CART racing. What else is there to say about this movie other than that Days of Thunder did it first and did it better, and that movie sucked?
D-Tox
Yeah, I don't know what this movie is either.
Avenging Angelo
Avenging Angelo was Stallone's much demanded follow-up to the smash hit D-Tox. I didn't see this one either. I'm guessing the plot has something to do with Stallone avenging the death of some guy named Angelo. Let's check the IMDB plot listing and see...
"A woman who has recently discovered that she is the daughter of Angelo, a major mafia boss, decides to wreak vengeance when he is killed by a hitman. She's aided by his faithful bodyguard, with whom she soon falls in love."
Boy, that don't sound too good.
Shade
Ah ha! I actually saw this one! I even paid money to rent it and everything.
Remember a few years ago when the media were under some mistake idea that poker was suddenly popular? As though showing poker tournaments on ESPN 4 was a sign of some kind of new fad that was storming across America. Anyway, I like poker and I like Stallone, so I figured it would behoove myself to see this movie that was trying to cash in on the fading celebrity of that actor and the rising fad of that card game.
And boy did it suck.
It had horrible acting performances from a lot of people who should've known better, a boring, cliched plot, and a script that was so ignorant of the actual rules of poker that even a greenhorn like me was able to notice all of the times they got the game completely wrong.
But how was Stallone? Old and sad.
Spy Kids 3-D
I saw this on a plane, without 3-D glasses. Can anybody tell me why an airline would decide to show a 3-D film? First of all, you can't really see anything on those tiny screens they have anyway, and then without handing out the glasses it was completely pointless. Oh, and it was just a terrible movie. And I actually really liked the first two Spy Kids films.
This movie is notable for Stallone films, however, because it contains his absolute worst, most over the top, and pathetic acting performance of all time. It's just a thoroughly horrible performance in a completely unwatchable trainwreck of a film.
Rocky Balboa
And then there was Rocky Balboa, the movie that should have been -- and many people predicted it would be -- a huge joke. After all, it had been sixteen years since the last Rocky film, and much, much longer than that since the last great Rocky film. Nobody thought this film would be halfway watchable, let alone, you know, actually good.
Nobody except for me, of course.
I remember how excited I was when I first even heard the rumors about this film, but when I finally saw a trailer all those years later and finally knew it was actually going to happen, well, words can't express what I felt in my heart and in my soul. Rocky was coming back. But even more than that, Stallone was coming back. We had had a long, rocky (pardon the pun) relationship up to that point, but I was always ready to forgive him and welcome him back with open arms.
In a way, Rocky Balboa was something of a love letter -- and an apology -- to his long-time fans. Gone were the ridiculous villains from the ridiculous sequels. Gone was the glitz and glamor. This was a human story about human characters, with an incredibly powerful story about fighting to live out your dreams. You know, like the first Rocky. In a way, this was just a remake of that first film. But, that's ok, because that first film was awesome, and so was this.
But this film didn't just see the return of Rocky, but the return of Paulie as well. And Duke. And Spider Rico! They even brought back that little red-headed girl Rocky tried to help in the very first film. It's a different actress and it's really, really contrived, but it still worked because the story was sweet and the actress was really good. Most importantly, it brought back a sense of pride and integrity that all those other films, entertaining as they are, sorely lacked.
It also contains one of Stallone's best monologues ever:
Now, feel free to laugh at how gross Stallone looks these days, and feel free to snicker at his now cliched performance as Rocky... but I don't care. That's a great scene and Stallone delivered. And so did this movie. Go rent it right now.
Rambo
And why not? This was another film that had been rumored about for years and most people considered to be a joke. But after Stallone made another Rocky film to much success and (I think) critical acclaim, why not make another Rambo?
And much like the latest Rocky film, this new Rambo film attempted to distance itself from the previous few sequels by being more mature, thoughtful, dark, and realistic. But while that works for a film like Rocky, it kind of doesn't for a film like Rambo. After all, at its heart, Rambo all of the Rambo films were just big, dumb action movies. Who does he really think he's going to kid by trying to make a big, smart action movie?
Luckily for us, Rambo was still really entertaining because, try as he might to make an intelligent action movie, at the end of the day, he still just wants to show Rambo shooting people until their heads explode and their intestines fall out of their bellies. And, no, I'm not making that up. This was without a doubt the goriest war film I've ever seen. This film made the opening scene from Private Ryan look like a scene from Private Benjamin.
Seriously. Check this scene out... if you think you can handle it:
I guess he wanted to show the real horrors of war or something? I dunno. All I know is it made me sick. But I loved it. I mean, that's why I go to the movies. To see heads explode and intestines slosh.
But the main problem with this movie? Richard Crenna died before he could reprise his role as Colonel Trautman. Crenna was a reliable actor who somehow managed to give these films a sense of reality and maybe even gravitas. I just always felt that something was missing. RIP, Richard Crenna.
The Expendables
This movie is in production at the moment with a planned release date for 2010, but it's going to be the best movie ever made. I don't know anything about it other than that it will star Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren.
Over The Top
As much as I loathe Cobra, it's still possible to dismiss it alongside Rhinestone as a well intentioned failure. I forgive him for wanting to make a musical comedy, just as I forgive him for wanting to make his generation's Dirty Harry. After all, the main villain and Clint's sidekick from Harry were both in Cobra.
But Over The Top marks the turning point in Stallone's career where he literally goes over the top, into all-out film insanity. There's no going back from this point. After making Over the Top, his career as a laughing stock becomes complete, and the two Oscar nominations he received for Rocky are nothing more than distant memories.
In other words, this is just a stupid, stupid movie. It's just your typical coming of age movie about a widower who tries to reconcile with his son by taking him on a cross-country road trip in his tractor trailer truck so he can compete in an armwrestling championship in Las Vegas. You know, that old plot.
The coda of this movie is that the winner takes it all, loser takes the fall. That was either based on a line written by Shakespeare, or maybe Sammy Hagar. Anyway, this is a terrible movie, but it's one that's a definite must-see for Stallone fans.
But, you know, you won't like it.
Rambo III
In all seriousness, Stallone's greatest talent as a filmmaker has always been his ability to capture the cultural zeitgeist of his time. This has also been one of his greatest faults, because while his films perfectly appeal to a contemporary audience, they don't always hold up perfectly for posterity. And few of his films hold up worse than Rambo III.
Just watch this scene:
Those freedom fighters Trautman is talking about? Some of them grew into the Taliban. That's right, this movie is about how the Americans aided the Afghan freedom fighters against the evil Russian empire. We aided them by giving them guns, supplies, and that most dangerous weapon of all, John J. Rambo.
So you can see how that speech warning against getting into a land war with insurgents in the middle east has taken on a far different meaning these days. And that's a shame, because this is otherwise an awesome action film with some amazing set pieces. Sure, it's also stupid and impossible to believe, but it's also awesome. It's also far too cartoonish and turns the formerly laconic, brooding Rambo into a wisecracking jackass. But that's ok. Most of his jokes are pretty funny.
It may not hold up -- or, at least, it holds up in a vastly different way -- but it's still a pretty good, dumb action movie.
Lock Up
I love this movie.
Now, when discussing Sylvester Stallone, you have to remember you're referring to two men. There's the fantastically talented actor/writer/director who has made such films as Rocky, First Blood, and Nighthawks. Then there is the big, dumb jackass who coasted his way through films like this one. And, damn it all, I love both of those men, but I sure wish we had seen more movies made by the first one.
But I'll settle for watching Lock Up.
Here's the plot: Stallone plays Frank Leone, a convict a few months shy of his release, who is transferred to a maximum security prison because the evil warden wants revenge because he was the only man who ever escaped on his watch... or something. That plot was later ripped off by Frank Darabont when he made Shawshank Redemption. Just kidding.
It's hard to argue that any Stallone film could be stupider than Over the Top, but Lock Up sure tries to give it a run for its money.
I wish I was watching this movie right now.
Tango and Cash
Say what you will about Stallone's movies being dumb and violent and hard to believe, at least they're never boring. But this one kind of comes close. It's just not that good of a movie, but maybe because everybody expected so much more.
In the late 80s and early 90s, the buddy cop film was king. Buddy films have been around since the dawn of cinema (I'm pretty sure Alexander Graham Bell filmed the first buddy film about Sacco and Vanzetti), but this period was the golden age of the buddy cop film. So the idea of teaming Stallone up with Kurt Russell should've been the greatest buddy cop film of all time. But it didn't really work out that way.
Why did this film fail? Who's to say? Was it because both Stallone and Russell are such larger than life leading men that pairing them up only served to dilute each's star power? Maybe, but I think it was because the script sucked and because Andrei Konchalovsky was a terrible director. I've seen this movie. I've sat through this movie. But I hardly remember this movie. It was neither good enough to be worth watching nor dumb enough to stand out amongst Stallone's other films. But I'm sure somewhere, on aother blog, some fan of Kurt Russell is giving a respective of his care5er and loved this movie. And, if not, I guess I'll have to do that one too.
Oh, and just for the record, Stallone played Tango.
Rocky V
A lot of people hate Rocky V, but I don't get it. Sure, it's not a very good movie, but when was the last time Stallone made a good movie, let alone a very good movie? What, Rocky V doesn't live up to the high standard of quality left by Rocky IV? The reason Rocky V isn't as beloved as the other films in the series is because it isn't bad enough.
In fact, Rocky V is actually a pretty good movie, and that's why it leaves Stallone fans in such confusion. Stallone fans aren't familiar with movies that are pretty good. They are familiar with films that are great (Rocky, First Blood) and films that are terrible (well... every other film he's made), but not with films that are, you know, pretty good.
This film's main fault is that it's not as stupid and over the top as Rocky III and IV. That's probably because it was the first Rocky film since the first one that was directed by John Avildsen. John Avildsen is a different kind of director than Stallone in that he actually allows scenes to unfold with a certain amount of subtlety, and he champions story over spectacle.
But, more than that, this is a story that is about character instead of plot, which is a huge 360 after the last few Rocky films. So don't ask me if this is a good film or a bad film. All I know is that it's a Rocky film. So that means I watch it whenever it's on, no questions asked. But I'd rather watch any of the other ones, for whatever that's worth.
Oscar
When I first started this post, I forgot I'd have to talk about movies like Oscar.
Now, Oscar is a bad movie. Let's just get that out of the way. It's a boring, unfunny, obnoxious film billed as a comedy. It's bad. It's not funny. But we don't need to rub that in.
Let's look at this film from Stallone's perspective. Let's say you were offered to star in a comedy film directed by John Landis, a true legend of the genre. Let's say the script was written by Michael Barrie, a former writer for Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. And let's say it was based on, well, some kind of stage play. You'd turn it down? What if you conveyed your fears about being to pull it off to John Landis and he assured you you'd be hilarious? You'd still say no?
So let's lay off Stallone, ok?
But it's still a horrible movie.
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!
Remember how I just went out of my way to defend Stallone's decision to star in Oscar? Well, I can't do that with this movie? After the disaster that was his last movie, his next movie should've been Rocky VI or Rambo IV. But no... he followed it up with another comedy.
I just don't know what to say. This is the beginning of the end for one of my all time favorite actors. Reviewing these movies now is like being a time traveler who is forced to go into the past even though he can't change anything for the better.
Cliffhanger
Finally another action movie! And it's a pretty good one! I still remember when this movie first came out in the theatre. Specifically, I remember finally not being embarrassed to see a new Stallone film in the theatre. And I wasn't disappointed. This is one of my favorite of Stallone's non Rocky/Rambo films.
It's a film about a cliff... guy who... has to fight John Lithgow in... some mountains. Or something. Wait a minute... what is the plot of this movie? I just remember a bunch of cool action sequences that take place in the mountains. And that's the sign of a great action movie, in my opinion. If you come away from a movie remembering the action and not the plot, you probably had a good time.
Demolition Man
Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Demolition Man is important for two reasons: First of all, it's one of Stallone's most entertaining movies. Second of all, it's his last great movie for a long, long time. Oh, and it's also his first foray into the sci-fi genre. Unless you're counting Over the Top. There's no way that movie took place on the planet Earth.
This movie is so much fun for so many reasons: The dopey future society they created, Wesley Snipes's over the top performance as the bad guy, Dan Cortese as a lounge singer who only performs jingles from TV commercials. This movie has it all. It's sci-fi, it's an action movie, it's a comedy, it's a cultural satire. But, bottom line, it's one of Stallone's best and one of the most entertaining movies of all time.
Stallone. Pathetic hack or misunderstood genius? Wait... can't he be both? Stallone has always held a special place in my heart. His was a talent that could've reached the heavens, but instead he chose to waste it on films like Rhinestone. But still, I think he's a wonderfully charming and talented filmmaker who's deserving of a closer examination. And since nobody else is going to do it, I guess I have to.
So here is my comprehensive look at the entire film oeuvre of one Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone. We're in for a long ride.
Oh, and I'm going to begin with Rocky, because that was Stallone's first breakout film. Everything he did before that he did because he was young and starving. I can't judge a man for what he did because he had to.
Rocky
The first Rocky is a masterpiece. This is one of my top five favorite movies of all time. Maybe it's even my favorite movie of all time, I dunno. All I know is that it's brilliant and absolutely deserving of all of the fame and praise it has received since it was first released. It has also been unfairly maligned, but mostly because it has been parodied so many times that most people have forgotten which was the film and which was the parody. But it's still a wonderful, charming, funny, and dare I say inspiring film that holds up to this day.
F.I.S.T.
Stallone's follow-up to Rocky was a period piece based loosely on the life story of... Jimmy Hoffa. It's an interesting and well done film, and definitely a product of the auteur-driven films of the 70s. And as great as Stallone was in Rocky, he was even better here, giving a far more interesting and nuanced performance. Had he kept making films like this, he could've become the next Robert DeNiro. And, yes, I actually believe that. But then, who would've starred in Demolition Man? But I'm getting ahead of myself... Paradise Alley
In the interest of full disclosure, I decided to list this movie even though I actually haven't seen it. But it exists if you're interested, but good luck finding a copy. I sure haven't. This is also Stallone's directorial debut.
Rocky II
After Rocky became a world-shaking smash hit, it was inevitable that there would be a sequel. And the premise is simple: What if we completely remade the first film, but had Rocky win in the end?! It's a little strange. That'd be like if they made a sequel to Titanic where they made a newer, bigger ship that didn't sink this time. What would be the point? But, silly premises aside, this is a fantastically entertaining movie. It's funny while still being sweet and uplifting, and it was the last Rocky film that actually felt genuine, and not like a parody of itself.
Nighthawks
Another lost Stallone film that nobody's heard of. Stallone and Billy Dee Williams are cops on the hunt for terrorist Rutger Hauer. And if that does't sound like an awesome film, I don't know what planet you're from. This is just a classic late 70s/early 80s style cop film. This is just a really good film and Stallone is really good in it. How come nobody ever remembers his good films?
Victory
Another film made back when Stallone was young and powerful and made interesting acting choices. Ok, get this... Stallone, Michael Caine, and Pele (!!) play Allied POWs in a Nazi prisoner of war camp, and they're only chance to excape is by agreeing to play a soccer game against the Nazis. It sounds dumb, but it's fantastic.
Rocky III
Remember that Titanic 2 analogy I made above? Ok, now imagine in Titanic 3 if they changed the ship to an Aircraft Carrier and shipped it off to the Persian Gulf to kill Saddam Hussein? That would be pretty dumb, right? Well, if you haven't seen Rocky III, you don't know what dumb is. This has to be one of the silliest, most over the top, dumbest movies ever made. In fact, this movie is more over the top than Over the Top, but we'll get to that one too. Oh, and this movie is also awesome. This is dumb and silly and a complete betrayal of everthing the original Rocky stood for, but it's also one of the most entertaining movies ever made. I love it.
First Blood
The history of the Rambo movies is very similar to the history of the Rocky movies. Both are world famous and widely ridiculed for being cartoonish pieces of fluff that glorify violence... and rightly so! But they are also notable for the fact that the first films in each series are actually brilliant pieces of filmmaking. If you can believe it, First Blood is actually anti-violence in a way. The violence is almost metaphorical for its story about a Vietnam vet's attempt to reaclimate himself to society. Yeah, that's right! This is a great movie and an absolute classic of the action genre.
Staying Alive
The less said about this film the better. This is notable for being the first film Stallone directed that wasn't meant to be a vehicle for his acting. In fact, he only really has a brief cameo. This was a sequel to Saturday Night Fever that is even more ridiculous and removed from its predecessor as Rocky II and III were from the first Rocky. But where those films were great fun, this is a huge piece of garbage. This is one of the worst films I've ever seen. This is probably the worst film of his career, in fact, and as you'll see as we go on, that's saying a lot.
Rhinestone
Oh god.
I guess I can't blame him for making this movie. Afterall, if I was the biggest star in the world and somebody offered me a chance to make a romantic comedy where I get to act and sing opposite Dolly Parton, I wouldn't turn it down. But still, a musical comedy starring Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton? Who thought this was a good idea? They aren't exactly Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, or even Jim Nabors and Burt Reynolds.
This has gone down in history as a joke, but it's interesting to note that this was actually the first misstep of Stallone's career. This was his first truly bad film and his first flop. Everybody makes mistakes, but what makes this mistake so interesting, was how colossally huge it was. Anyway, I have said far too much about a film that really needs to speak for itself:
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Perhaps one good thing came out of Stallone's experience making Rhinestone: He ran back to playing one of his most lucrative characters of all time: John J. Rambo. Only the real fans remember First Blood, this is the film that cemented Rambo - maybe even Stallone himself - as a world-wide phenomenon. This is one of the biggest, most popular films of all time. This film may have helped Reagan become the most popular president of all time. This film may have ended the Cold War. This film... well.. now this is a film.
It's also really dumb and actually doesn't hold up all that well. It has a reputation as a mindless action film, but it's actually really talky and kind of boring in places. It's also really strange. Remember how Stallone remade Rocky so Rocky would win the second time around? Well, now Stallone is remaking the Vietnam War so America can finally win. It's just a strange concept, considering how the first Rambo film dealt with how war effects a man and makes it almost impossible for him to return to a civilized society.
But, whatever. This film is awesome.
Rocky IV
Oh wait... did I say Rambo ended the Cold War? I meant to say, the one-two-punch of Rambo and Rocky IV ended the Cold War. Think about it: Both of these films came out in 1985, which was the year Reagan and Gorbachev had their first summit in Geneva, then after that Perestroika came into effect, with the Berlin Wall finally coming down in 1989. All because of Sylvester Stallone.
But we were talking about Rocky IV. This is the most entertaining movie ever made. It's also really, really stupid. Sensing a pattern here? Rocky IV is almost an art movie in that it is told almost entirely in montages. Seriously, every major plot point or epiphany in this movie is conveyed by a long montage. And they're awesome. Just check this out:
No wait... this one is better:
Oh, but here's my favorite scene. It's not actually a montage, but the way the music carries the scene makes it seem like it's a music video. Forgive the Russian. It's the only clip of the scene I could find:
Cobra
I don't even want to talk about this movie. It just makes me feel dirty. Stallone has made a lot of terrible films over the course of his career, but this is the only one that's actually reprehensible. This is a film for all of the people who didn't think Rambo was violent and gory enough. This movie actually used to give me nightmares. As an adult, I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, with my heart beating in my chest, being paranoid about something that's wrong in the world. But then I remember that I sat through Cobra when I was a kid, and I try my best to calm down and fall back to sleep.
This is just a dirty, slimy, vile little film. It's Stallone's attempt at a Dirty Harry style, renegade cop who plays by his own rules, kind of film, but in the end, it's just about a cop who kills people and a criminal gang who are so evil they make Nazis look tame by comparison.
Ok, you need another reason to skip this movie? Stallone's character is nicknamed Cobra because his real name is Marion Cobretti. Ugh.
Please, for the love of all that's good and holy in this world, do not let your kids see Cobra.
I need to go take a shower and take a break. I'll post part 2 later on.
