Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Star Wars Sooper Special Editions

Be warned, this is going to be my geekiest post yet:

Earlier this week, yet another Star Wars set came out for sale. This was only the second release on DVD (I think), but the billionth version over all. This is now, probably, the fourth time I've bought some version of the Star Wars trilogy. I'm not complaining mind you. I'm just saying is all. This version is unique in that it combines the recently redone special editions and the original theatrical cuts. It doesn't come with the super spiffy documentaries and stuff on the set that came out a year or two ago, but if you want to be a completest and have both versions of the films, these are the ones to get.

Personally, I like the special editions better for the most part. Sure, there are some really weird, wacky editions that don't sit right, like Han shooting first, a few changes in dialogue here and there, and the wacky comic relief thrown in to the new introduction of Mos Eisley, but I still prefer it for the new special effects and subtle tweaks. Frankly, I don't think Lucas changed enough. Rewatching the original editions again really brought to light all the ways the first trilogy doesn't completely match up with the newer prequels.

Lucas should go balls out in his next special edition of Star Wars.

First of all, I need more Sam Jackson. You can't really expect somebody to sit through six films if Sam Jackson is only in the first three. You'd go through Sam Jackson withdrawls. Does anybody really believe Mace Windu died after Anakin sliced him up and threw him out of a window? Lucas should change the original Star Wars so, in that scene in Obi Wan's house, Mace is just chillin' on the couch watching TV. He can be like, "FINALLY you brought that motherfucker over to teach him the motherfuckin' force. Why the fuck we been sitting here in the desert for sixteen motherfuckin' years is beyond me. I need to get out and get some of that Corellian pussy!"

And then Lucas could just stick footage of Sam Jackson into the background, saying things like, "I don't care how bad it smells, get the fuck in there, motherfucker!" or "Shut down all the motherfucking garbage mashers on the motherfucking detention level!"

Or in that scene where Luke asks Obi Wan about his father and Obi says something like, "A young pupil of mine named Darth Vader betrayed and murders your father," Obi should actually say something like, "Oh yeah, Darth Vader is your father." And then Mace can lean over and say something like, "No shit. Motherfucker was one bad motherfucking dude. Killed babies and shit. Nice genes, motherfucker."

And then, in that scene where Obi fights Vader and Vader says something like, "When last we met, I was but the learner, now I am the mastah!" Lucas should change it so Vader says something like, "Hey, asshole, I'm gonna fuck you up for chopping off my legs and throwing me into a pit of lava. What the fuck was that about, man?! Who's got the high ground now, bitch?!"

Or in that scene where Luke asks Leia if she remembers her mother and she says yes, Lucas should change it so she says, "No, I don't remember my mother at all. I do remember... and this is going to sound weird... but I think I was raised by Jimmy Smitts? It never really occurred to me until now but why is my father hispanic? Think I'm adopted maybe?" And Luke could be like, "Jimmy Smitts? Really? I mean, he was good on L.A. Law and all, but Star Wars? Whatever. Yeah, I don't remember my mother either..."

Or in that scene where Leia kisses Luke on the lips, Mace can lean in and yell, "God damn!! Oh no you didn't!! You know she's your sistah, right?! You know that bitch is your sistah?! God damn, motherfucker! Or should I say 'sisterfucker'?"

Those would be some sweet movies.

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