Top Five Worthless G.I. Joe Characters

Just for fun, here are five G.I. Joe characters who are completely worthless.

Sci-Fi

Personally, I think a guy with a big laser would be awesome to have at your back during a battle, but not according to my childhood friend Johnathan Kovatch. According to him, Scifi was totally lame.

When I first got Sci-Fi and brought him over to Johnathan's house, he thought it was as cool figure.

"So his backpack is full of bullets and they load by going though this wire into his gun?" He asked.

"No. He has a laser gun. That's some kind of power pack."

"What?! I'm not playing with a guy who uses lasers! That's unbelievable! He has bullets and they travel through his pack into his gun!"

I haven't seen Johnathan Kovatch in about 20 years, but if he's reading this... he can go to hell.


Sneak Peek

This is a real character. Sneak Peek is an "advanced recon" specialist who carries around some giant device that looks like the kind of thing tourists look through to get a better view of the Statue of Liberty or Mount Rushmore.

"Hey, do you guys think you're going to need to see over a lot of walls?"

"Uh... maybe."

"Awesome! Let me get me scope. Wait... who's got, like, a shit load of quarters?"





The Driver of the Bridgelayer

It's like a tank... that lays a bridge over a chasm. I'm guessing that comes in handy maybe once a decade.















Snow Job

"Going on a mission, huh? Can I help?"

"Yeah, ok."

"Is it in Antarctica?"

"No."

"Alaska?"

"No."

"Siberia?"

"No"

"The North Pole?"

"No."

"Uh... Northern Minnesota in the Winter?"

"No."

"Upstate New York?"

"No. Actually, we're going to Iraq."

"I'll sit this one out."

"Or you could, you know... change."

"What do you mean?"

"... Forget it. See you later, Snow Job."

Quick Kick

"Hey, Duke! I heard you're going on a mission. You're probably gonna need an expert at the martial arts!"

"Uh, yeah. Snake Eyes already agreed to come. He's kind of a ninja."

"Oh. But how quick are his kicks? As quick as this?" (WHOOSH!)

"Uh, yeah. He kicks pretty good. And he's got a gun, so... you know. Thanks anyway."

"Do you have any missions for me?"

"I wouldn't mind a danish. Want to run next door to the Super America and get me one?"

"... Ok. Let me go put on a shirt."


Hardball

I got no idea what to say about this asshole.