Thursday, April 26, 2012

Some Movies I Turned Off

Here are some movies I recently didn't watch. I can't call these reviews, since these are movies I turned off after about halfway or just a few minutes. But saying that you turned off a movie after the first ten minutes is the most critical of all reviews, right?

Anyway:

Drive
I rented this because everybody loved it, and because my friend Justin told me that it was boring but worth watching just for Albert Brooks. I love car chases and I love Albert Brooks. What's not to like? Well... the first fifteen minutes or so of this movie. Maybe it got great after that, but I'll never know because I was so bored and annoyed by the main character that I switched it off and dropped the Netflix envelope into my mailbox. Maybe if I had started watching it after the mailman had come I might've finished it, but probably not. I'm pretty sure this was my first Ryan Gosling movie. Handsome guy, decent actor, but boy was his character boring. Have you ever met a person at a party and taken an instant dislike to that person? That's this movie. I just knew after meeting this main character that I had no interest in spending the next two hours getting to know him.

I never even got far enough to see Albert Brooks. Oh well.

Midnight in Paris
Another film enjoyed by Justin, but even more so by my friend Anna, the Television Lady. She adored this movie and said it was brilliant -- and, to be sure, so did everybody else who saw it, including the Academy Awards people, I think -- but I turned it off because it was annoying, the characters were the worst, and the whole thing just felt so phoney. This was just a bad script, in my opinion, with characters so lacking in depth that the should've worn TV shirts with descriptions like "pretentious jerk," "misunderstood artist," etc.

I just didn't like it, didn't find it charming, and didn't finish it. Sorry, Anna.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
I loved the first Mission Impossible film and mostly tolerated the first three sequels, but this sucked. At least... the opening bit did. I dunno what happened after the credits because that's as far as I got. Honestly, the first ten minute sequence that opened this film was so bad, so poorly directed, so awkwardly acted, and just so full of editing and pacing problems that I knew it was going to be a train wreck.

Also, it didn't help that I recently began watching the original TV series on Netflix a little while ago, and began to realize just how poorly the films stand up in comparison.

Fright Night
This was actually pretty entertaining! I stopped watching it because the Netflix disc started skipping about halfway through and stopped working. I could've had them send me a new disc, but it wasn't that entertaining. I'll watch it again when it comes on Instant. Maybe.

Portlandia
Not a movie, but a TV series. Lots of people told me it was funny. I think it's some kind of sketch comedy show. I watched the first two skits then turned it off because I didn't laugh once. It stars Fred Armisen, who most people will remember as one of those people who wasn't funny on SNL, and now he's not funny here. It seems to be some kind of comedy poking fun at quirky hipsters, made by quirky hipsters, for quirky hipsters. If you're the kind of person who's an adult who understands that there isn't really such a thing as a hipster, just desperate people clinging to whatever ironic affectations they can think up, you'll be as bored by this show as I was.

That got a little harsh there, sorry. I love hipsters, but this show isn't funny.

7 comments:

Justin Garrett Blum said...

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're an idiot. heh. Both Midnight in Paris and Ghost Protocol were great movies. I can't believe you criticized me for hating on Fast Five, but you couldn't even make it through a few minutes of what was actually a good action film.

Donald said...

You might be right.

Donald said...

You want to know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good!

Anna Adams said...

You're crabby lately. I agree with Justin.

And I mean, OF COURSE the characters were pretentious and annoying, it's a Woody Allen film. It got amazing once he traveled back in time, and got all Twilight Zone-y with the writers of the 20s and was clever and funny.

And I assume you're talking about the Fright Night remake? I liked it fine, but I really wanted more charm from Colin Farrel's Dandrige. He just seemed like a dick, actually. Where was the draw, other than his physical hotness? Chris Sarandon was handsome but he was layin' it on THICK with the ladies, and they were basically doing everything they could not to totally rip their outfits off every time he came near. I didn't get this feeling at all from the remake and felt like he was being deliberately hostile and repellant. Could have been better.

Donald said...

I'm actually a Woody Allen fan and find that most of the characters in his films are witty and charming. But boy these ones weren't.

I watched maybe fifteen, twenty minutes of Midnight in Paris and turned it off after I started to feel like I was trapped in a stuck elevator with an annoying jerk who won't stop talking.

Mugato said...

I cringed through most of Portlandia but stuck with the series. SOME of it is funny ... but mostly terrible.

capt.naps. said...

I couldn't get through the commercials for Portlandia. I am not from portland
but I work in Cambridge, MA so I figure thats sorta the same right??
those people suck.

The last movie I turned off "The girl with dragon tattoo"
(well I ended up watching the rest of it later...it was still boring and dumb)