Thursday, January 17, 2013

My Top Childhood Crushes

Well... my top childhood celebrity crushes, anyway, since nobody out there wants to hear me talk about Elizabeth from my third grade class at Naubuc School back in Glastonbury, CT. Anyway... here are the top crushes I remember most from the mid 80s to early 90s.

Why? Because I'm still in love with all of them. I was originally going to do this as a top ten list, but then I realized I couldn't arrange them in anything but a random order. They're all number 1.

Gina from Sesame Street

Forget about Gordon, that deaf chick, or all those three-ways between Bert, Ernie, and their rubber ducky, the real sex appeal on Sesame Street came from Gina. I don't really remember much about her character other than that every episode she appeared in was brought to you by the number 69 and the letters S. E. X.

According to Wikipedia Gina is still on the show... and she's called Dr. Gina Jefferson. Good for her!

Robyn Lively

You're going to notice a lot of redheads on this list. Well, there was never a hotter redhead than Robyn Lively. You remember her, right? She was the star of Teen Witch, she was Daniel San's love interest in Karate Kid III, and she appeared in at least one episode of every TV show ever made between 1984 and 1997. And to this day she still appears in my dreams.

Turns out she's the elder sister of current it girl Blake Lively. Those are some good genes! Hey... she's also the younger sister of Jason Lively, who played Rusty Griswold in European Vacation, so I guess those genes might be a little dirty after all.

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci later went on to be a respected thespian and then went on to be a total freakshow. I don't know what she's doing now, but for me she'll always be Wednesday from the Addams Family.

The Childlike Empress

Hurry up and give her a name, Bastian. I need something to call out while we're bangin'.

(I apologize.)

Andy from the Goonies

Or, if you prefer, Maggie from Lucas or John Candy's daughter from Summer Rental. Either way, she was a stone cold fox. She spent the entire length of the Goonies in a cheerleader outfit and she's such a good french kisser she can tell if you've got braces or not. And if you've ever lucky enough to give her a ride home after practice, you can tilt your rearview mirror to check out her panties.

Troy was the real hero of that movie. Five minutes after that film ends -- after Mikey's dad rips up the contract to sell his house or whatever and thinks he saved the Goondocks -- Troy's dad was like, "We're a bank, asshole. We don't except pirate treasure. Now sign the damn contract!"

The Babes of Just the 10 of Us

Remember that show? It was completely, absolutely, 100% unwatchable... at least with the sound on. But as a silent movie, it was pretty sexy, since every daughter was hot... even that chick from Nightmare on Elm Street.

But, of course, the best was the redhead played by Jamie Luner who later went on to great fame and fortune on that show Savannah. Or not.

Jenna von Oy

She played Six on Blossom... and I wish she'd let me supply the nine, if you know what I'm saying. Huh? I already made a 69 joke? God dammit what's wrong with me.

Anyway, Jenna von Oy was -- and still is -- insanely hot. She later went on to star on that show The Parkers.

Monique from Better off Dead

Oh man... this girl was ridiculously cute, and that French accent was out of this world. No wonder she drove both Lane Myer and Ricky crazy. Anyway, that actress was Diane Franklin who also played one of the princesses in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and I remember being really mad when she was recast with a different actress in the sequel. Talk about a bogus journey.

Maia Brewton

Everybody on this list seems to be either a redhead or Jewish. As an adult, my tastes haven't really changed.

Anyway, Maia Brewton played Shelly on Parker Lewis Can't Lose and that kid who was obsessed with Thor in Adventures in Babysitting. Hey... I was a fuckin' kid, ok!

Larisa Oleynik

I was probably a little too old to watch The Secret World of Alex Mack, but I didn't care because Larisa Oleynik was just about the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. You know... except for all the other girls on this list. Then again, maybe she's a little more beautiful. Whatever happened to her? I remember being excited to see her again in that movie 10 Things I Hate About You, but then she vanished completely. How did Julia Stiles, Heath Ledger, and even Joseph Gordon Levitt all go on to be huge stars but not the one who was actually cute and likable?

Samantha Fox

It's maybe interesting to note that Samantha Fox is the only singer on this list. I guess I wasn't into music too much as a kid. I was more of a TV/movie nerd. But I did have a poster of Samantha Fox up on my wall and I had her album, even though I only vaguely remember that one song of her's.

Hey... let's rewatch it and see if it holds up:

Holy shit that was fucking terrible! And furthermore... and I mean no disrespect... but she's not even attractive. This is the only crush that I'm a little ashamed of. Let's move on.

Staci Keanan

Remember her? She was the star on My Two Dads (I'm not going to try to make a porno title joke out of that) and then one of the kids on Step by Step. Her charm and beauty were the only things that made either of those two shows watchable... except for maybe the charm and beauty of actors Patrick Duffy and Greg Evigan.

Melissa Joan Hart

Clarissa Darling: The original hipster. I remember back in college I once told my friend Justin that Melissa Joan Hart is the world's most perfect woman... and maybe I still believe that. She's just so cute and so sexy, and Clarissa was just the coolest.

But, in retrospect, I can't remember what sparked that comment I made. It's true to be sure, but why was I talking about her in college? Clarissa had long since gone off the air. Hold on... what was she doing around 1997...

Oh yeah! Sabrina the Teenage Witch. How the hell did I forget about that show? That's where she got totally hot and I really fell in love with her all over again, but this time as a man and not as a boy. She is the world's most perfect woman, after all.

Olivia d'Abo

Second runner up for world's most perfect woman would be Olivia d'Abo, who people with lives and culture maybe remember as the older sister on The Wonder Years, but I fell in love with her as Princess Jehnna in Conan the Destroyer.

Damn she's fine!

Jenny Lewis

And then there's Jenny Lewis, probably my pick for the number one hottie ever... at least when I was a kid, anyway. I was so in love with this girl as a kid it's not even funny... and I still am!

I remember her most from such classic 80s/90s films as The Wizard, Troop Beverly Hills, Foxfire, and Big Girls Don't Cry... They Get Even! That last film I remember most because she finally appeared in a bikini!

And she's still famous today -- sorta -- as the former lead singer for Rilo Kiley and now as a solo act. I loved Rilo Kiley and had a couple of their albums before I actually realized that the singer from the band was Jenny Lewis, number one crush from my childhood. True story! So if I ever make a list of my top adulthood crushes, it's a safe bet Jenny Lewis might still make #1.

Still hot


Mugato said...

I'm on board with 99% of this list. I remember liking Becka from Life Goes On. Also, the bald chick from Just the Ten of Us is pretty hot.

Donald said...

Oh yeah, that girl from the Corky show. I vaguely remember thinking she was cute. Hold on... let me check...

Yeah, she's cute. But she's no childlike empress.

Mugato said...

Remember how I said I agreed with 99% of the list. That 1%, childlke princess. Just so disturbing, haha.

Justin Garrett Blum said...

Got a pic of Elizabeth from your 3rd grade class?

This is one funny list to conceive and then actually put together as an adult. Made me laugh.

I don't know what happened to Melissa Joan Hart. She was at her cutest as Clarissa Darling. These days she just looks weird to me.

Donald said...

To be honest, looking for pictures to accompany this post made me feel kind of creepy.

capt.naps said...

No Punky Brewster?? she was cute and had a bad up bringing so you know she ended up as a stripper, also she had big boobs.
she is still kind of cute really.
Robyn Lively looks like Rocky Dennis but from a mirror universe where genders are reversed and she is mildly better looking.
My number one choice is Fairuza Balk from Return to Oz, I used to think she was cute and she grew up basically still being cute but has kind of a weird face now

Donald said...

I thought about putting Punky Brewster on there, but she's too damn annoying. But she was on Sabrina the Teenage Witch later on after it turned into some kind of weird Melrose Place type show about adults, one of whom occasionally does some magic.

Man... that was a weird show.