Yahoo! Has No Heart

In honor of Valentine's Day, Yahoo! compiled a list of the "Ten Cheesiest Loves Songs EVER," and it's just about the worst thing I've ever seen. You can read their list and explanations here, but allow me a moment to rebut their choices:

#10. Bryan Adams, "Heaven"
Right off the bat, I don't understand how Yahoo! staff writer Shawn Amos defines "cheesy." Seriously, how is this song cheesy? This is a beautiful, pure, heartfelt love song that is sold by one of the greatest pop voices of all time. I love this song. Who doesn't love this song? Cheesy? I dunno about that. I'd maybe admit it's corny. Perhaps even sappy. But it's a love song, and it stands out because Bryan Adams sells it and makes you feel like he means it. Anyway... This song is awesome.

#9. Stevie Wonder, "I Just Called to Say I Love You"
I'll give them this one, since it's fairly cheesy and saccharine, at least in comparison to the overall oeuvre of Stevie Wonder, one of the most gifted musicians of the twentieth century. However, I still call foul on their mean-spirited write-up, and would offer the rebuttal that this is still a great, catchy song. A sappy love-long by one of the greatest song writers of all time is still a great song. In fact, I would say this song excels and connected with audiences because it was cheesy.

#8. Lionel Richie, "Hello"
Fuck you, Yahoo! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I'd give them this one if it was a video of the cheesiest videos of all time, since it's really terrible and weird and creepy. But as a song, this is one of the most haunting and beautiful songs ever written... and it is most definitely NOT a cheesy love song, since it is about longing for an unrequited love. If anything, this is one of the most beautiful anti-love songs ever written.

#7. Extreme, "More Than Words"
I've never met anybody who doesn't love this song. Then again, I've never met anybody who wouldn't admit that it is one of the "cheesiest love songs EVER," but lovingly so. Check out the write up on this song:

"Extreme is one in a long, insipid line of '80s hair bands who got all sensitive by busting out their Washburn acoustics and unbuttoning their shirts."

Fuck you, Yahoo! Again, this is another song that works and stands out because it's cheesy, most notably because it's by a band that is most typically known for its hard rock ballads. Yahoo derides them for getting "all sensitive," while most of the world applauded them for it, and embraced this beautiful fucking song. And really... cheesy? It's sung from the perspective of a man who is tired of his partner mindlessly saying "I love you" without actually proving she feels that way. That's the antithesis of a cheesy love song.

#6. Bobby Darin, "If I Were a Carpenter"
What an odd choice. First of all, how many people have ever even heard this song? How many people even remember Bobby Darin? Personally, I love Bobby Darin and consider him one of the finest pop vocalists of all time, and while this isn't one of this best, it's still a great performance by a great singer. But, again, check out their write up"

"It has cred, because folk artists always seem to have cred (whether they deserve it or not)"

I honestly have no idea what the writer meant by that. First of all... Bobby Darin isn't a folk singer. Second of all, he doesn't seem to have cred, he fucking has cred. He's Bobby fucking Darin.

#5. Chicago, "You're the Inspiration"
Of course, any list of the cheesiest love songs EVER would be remiss if it didn't have something sung by Peter Cetera, but even here they fucked it up. You're the Inspiration? I'm not going to say this song isn't cheesy since it most definitely is, but I don't understand how it was chosen over "Hard to Say I'm Sorry," "Love Me Tomorrow," or "If You Leave Me Now," which is hands down the cheesiest song by any once awesome rock band. And just to be clear, I still love that song, but it definitely should be on any list of the cheesiest love songs EVER.

And don't get me started on the solo work by Peter Cetera, all of which is one thousand times cheesier than "You're the Inspiration," especially "Glory of Love," or "Next Time I Fall in Love," his duet with Amy Grant which is probably the cheesiest love song EVER. (I still love that song.)

#4.  Kenny Rogers, "Lady"
Kenny Rogers performed a song about a paraplegic whose wife is cheating on him, and yet this is his cheesiest love song. Look... I'm not saying Lady isn't a cheesy love song... but the fourth cheesiest love song of all time? It's cheesier than the six songs that came before it, sure, but I think I've proven that those songs aren't all that cheesy either.

#3. Bette Midler, "Wind Beneath My Wings"
This is a cheesy song to be sure. But one of the cheesiest love songs EVER? Is this even a love song? I always thought this was a song about friendship, not love. I would agree, however, that it's a really creepy song about using another human being and describing that as friendship, but it's really not a cheesy love song.

#2. Air Supply, "The One that You Love"
Let's say you were a Yahoo! writer tasked with the assignment to create a hack list of the cheesiest love songs EVER because it's Valentine's Day and they need to hit their bandwidth quota for the month, what do you do? Well, you pick a song by Air Supply song, of course. But wait... you've already picked a bunch of obvious pop hits, so you can't use the logical choice  "All out of Love," or even "Making Love out of Nothing of All," so you dig into Air Supply's catalog and choose one that nobody remembers or cares about or would ever rank among their cheesiest songs. 

#1. Chris De Burgh, "Lady in Red"
You didn't expect that one, did you? Of course not. Nobody did. The cheesiest love song EVER? Even in their description they admit that Chris De Burgh wrote it about his wife. That means it isn't cheesy, it's sweet and sincere. And even if you didn't know that, it's still haunting and beautiful. Seriously, Lady in Red as the cheesiest love song EVER? On a list that includes songs by people like Peter Cetera, Air Supply, and Lionel Richie?

This song is really cheesier and more cloying and trite than "Having My Baby" by Paul Anka, "Loving You" by Minnie Riperton, "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band, "Dream Weaver" by Gary Wright, "MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris, or "Muskrat Love" by either America or Captain and Tennille, which is literally about two muskrats who are in love?

Seriously, I could go on and on with dozens of other songs that are infinitely cheesier than any of Yahoo's picks... but I'm not going to do that because I'm not an asshole who creates lists just to mock people who are vastly more successful and talented than I am. And to be clear, even my previous paragraph is full of songs that were huge hits that I love as a listener.

Well, except for "Having My Baby" and "MacArthur Park," both of which are just awful.