Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Jack Reacher

This was actually a pretty good movie, believe it or not.

I mean, if you don't hate Tom Cruise, that is. I don't hate Cruise nor do I really understand why so many people do, but I do understand that such hate exists, and that for many people it burns with such passion they can't even sit through the trailers for his movies, let alone the movies themselves. And, please, don't try to explain the hate because I've heard it all before. He's annoying. He's short. He's a closet homosexual. He's a Scientologist. He jumped on Oprah's couch. He was mean to Matt Lauer. Pffft. Who cares? He's still a pretty good actor who often makes interesting films.

But, anyway, I was talking about Jack Reacher.

The highest compliment I can pay this movie is that I actually watched the whole thing, from start to finish... in one sitting, even! Look, I'm an adult with a job, friends, family, hobbies, and commitments. I remember back when I was younger and I used to watch multiple movies in the same day. Now I'm lucky if I can find an hour here or there to even start a movie. Most days I come home from work and I'm just so tired I end up going to bed at 8:00 at night. Basically, being an adult sucks. I can't even imagine how impossible life would be if I had kids.

But I watched all of this one, even though it was about two hours and ten minutes, which was probably about thirty minutes longer than it needed to be. And I'll admit, I did check the clock a few times to see how much longer I had, and it always seemed to say there was two hours and ten minutes left. I must've been watching it in the center of a black hole or something. I also can't really tell you what happened in regards to the plot since I have no freakin' idea. It had something to do with some sniper who murdered some people for some reason that I never really caught, and he had to be brought to justice by Jack Reacher, who was some kind of something or other who worked for the government... unless he didn't. I dunno.

There's a scene -- and I'm pretty sure it was even in the trailer -- where two guys are talking about this mysterious ghost agent named Jack Reacher. One of them asks, "So how do we get in contact with Jack Reacher?" And then the other guy says, "You don't. Jack Reacher has to get in contact with you." And then at that exact second, the secretary pokes her head in the door and says, "There's a Jack Reacher here to see you." And then Tom Cruise walks in and said something I can't remember, but it was probably something like, "I'm Jack Reacher."

Now that was probably the dumbest scene in movie history, and that's basically how every scene plays out. Every scene is about some characters talking about Jack Reacher, and then Jack Reacher shows up, usually to punch somebody in the face. He's good at that... both Jack Reacher and Tom Cruise. This movie has some awesome fight scenes, especially the one where he beats up a group of guys in a bar, or when he headbutts those two guys faces together over and over again.

There's also one of the best car chases I've ever seen, and I'm not joking. It was awesome.

Anyway, that's Jack Reacher. If you don't mind Tom Cruise or really dumb movies, check it out. Cruise does a good job as Jack Reacher, whoever that is, and the rest of the cast is good too, including Robert Duvall, Richard Jenkins, that blonde gladiator from the first season of Spartacus, Werner Herzog, and Rosamund Pike. Rosamund Pike is a wonderful actress and a beautiful woman, but it was obvious that every scene she was in was lit by the cinematographer to perfectly show off her cleavage. Seriously, every scene she's in that's all you'll be able to look at. She plays a defense attorney or something, even though she never does anything, never procures any evidence, and never steps into a courtroom. And the direction by Christopher McQuarrie is pretty great. It's a fun, exciting movie, even though it was way too long, way too stupid, and made zero sense.

And, really? Jack Reacher? Am I the only one who hears that name and always thinks of that Fish and Chips place Arthur Treacher's?


Justin Garrett Blum said...

Your summary of this cracks me up. Are you sure you watched it? heh.

Mugato said...

I have read some books from the Jack Reacher series and the last person I pictured in my mind was Tom Cruise. I can't possibly believe that this movie was good.