Mama Lucia Meatballs

I just can't get enough of this commercial:

Terminator Salvation

I skipped this movie in the theaters for a few reasons:

#1.) It got terrible reviews and horrible word of mouth.

#2.) Terminator 3 was awful and that TV show was even worse.

#3.) Prequels suck.

#4.) Christian Bale is one of the more overrated, annoying actors out there.

#5.) I'm cheap.

So I finally broke down and rented it because, well, despite all of the above, I always thought it looked kind of cool. And it was. This was a fun, exciting, well done movie. I liked it. But I can see how long-time fans of the series might think it was kind of a letdown. However I wouldn't really consider myself a fan of the series as a whole.

The first Terminator was a great film, and T2 was an absolute masterpiece -- the best action/sci-fi film of all time, in my opinion -- but, as I said above, part 3 sucked and the TV was just plain boring. The first film worked not only because it was a cool story, but because James Cameron is a fantastic director who hired some terrific actors. The sequel was even better because it continued the story in an intelligent, creative way, with the characters logically evolved and changed from their experiences in the first film. Then the third film was just a remake of terminator... and the TV show was more of the same. Neither had the heart, intelligence, or creativity of the first two films. They were just... terminators sent back in time to kill John Connor... again.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I've never understood why they keep trying to kill John Connor anyway? Because he's the only human being who can stop the machines in the future? Pfffft. I don't believe that anymore than I believe all of those alternate history novels about the Nazis winning the second World War because Truman or FDR died before they could take office. If an Army is only as strong as one man in the lead, that army isn't going to win, ever. And why do the terminators keep coming back in time later and later anyway? After they failed to kill off Sarah Connor in the first film, they should've jus gone back in time one day earlier and killed her then. Why keep coming back after the people are ready and prepared?

But whatever.

So at least this new fourth film had some novelty of being slightly different, in that there was no time travel, John Connor was finally an adult, and it took place in the future. Visually, conceptually, and tonally, this is entirely different from the previous films in the series, though there are plenty of homages and inside jokes. Like when John Connor tries to attract the terminator by playing You Could be Mine on a radio. Or how they had another chase scene between a truck and a motorcycle. Or, best of all, was when they digitally put Arnold's face on a T-800. That was strange and kind of unnecessary, but the special effects were flawless.

About the story I can't really say much since it didn't really make a whole lot of sense, was overly convoluted, and kind of poorly thought out, all things considered. It didn't really add much to the mythology of the series or even show us anything all that new. Then again, neither did Terminator 3. Basically, it just showed us the future we already knew about, and presented John Connor the adult as the ass-kicking solider we already assumed he was.

And that's fine, because the action set pieces were totally off the hook! Seriously, if you like action movies, this film was killer. Yeah, it had some problems with logic (like how did that giant robot sneak up on those people in the 7-11? Or why did they set up that elaborate trap to kill John Connor and then only have ONE terminator waiting for him? Why not have, like, a hundred waiting?), but it was all so exciting to watch because McG is just a great action director. This movie was awesome.

Acting wise, this was also pretty satisfying. Like I said, I'm not a Christian Bale fan, but he did pretty well here. His gruff, Batman growl was kept to a minimum, and he actually seemed like some kind of leader humanity would want to follow. Sam Worthington is an actor who has been in everything lately, though I had only seen him -- after which I had all but forgotten about him -- in Avatar. But he was actually pretty awesome in this, making it clear why he's being cast in every action movie currently in production. But best of all was Anton Yelchin as a young Kyle Reese. This kid is just a great actor and he does a killer Michael Biehn impression. He stole the movie in my opinion. Oh, and Bryce Dallas Howard is a beautiful woman, but she didn't really have much to do.

So, yeah. Terminator Salvation. Worth seeing if you like big, dumb, exciting action movies where giant robots fight humans. And who doesn't like that? But don't expect anything remotely resembling the creativity, intelligence, and craft of James Cameron's original films.

Pirate Latitudes

Over in my obituary for novelist Michael Crichton, I lamented the fact that I would never get to read another one of his novels. As it turns out, I spoke too soon. Just last November, his latest novel Pirate Latitudes was released posthumously, and sometime later this year we'll see the release another novel that is as of yet only described as "Untitled Michael Crichton Techno Thriller." I think they should just keep that as the title. Crichton is turning into the Tupac of the literary world, proving himself to be just as resilient to extinction as the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

Pirate Latitudes, as the story goes, was found by one of Crichton's assistants as a completed manuscript on his old computer. It's a strange little book, with more in common with one of his earlier historical novels than the multi-titled techno thrillers for which he is best known, and one wonders if he even would've published it had he not passed away at such a young age. It definitely reads like early Crichton, but that isn't a bad thing, since it definitely does read like Crichton. I'm usually suspicious of manuscripts that are "found" after some such writer's death, since they more often than not seem hastily finished and ghostwritten by lesser writers, but this one is most definitely written by Crichton. His is a clean, entertaining style that many writers would endeavor to emulate, but few would be the least bit successful. And, frankly, early Crichton is still my favorite Crichton, since he seemed more interested in entertaining readers than he did educating them on his increasingly questionable opinions and politics.

All of the above was my round about introduction to the following sentence: This is just about the most ridiculously entertaining novel I've read in years. From start to finish, it was an enthralling, exciting, entertaining adventure yarn that never let up on the suspense, melodrama, and sense of humor. As far as Crichton's novels go, the books story was surprisingly simple and straight forward, with a plot that involved one crew's attempt to capture another vessel and then make it home, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth reading and enjoying and loving. Every book doesn't have to be War and Peace. In fact, I'm glad that every book isn't War and Peace, though I kind of wish every book was Pirate Latitudes.

As far as literary value or subtext, I can't say there is all that much. I think Crichton just wanted to write a pirate novel, and the world is better for it. I guess there's some such attempt at dispelling the commonly held view of pirates as rebellious outlaws, but that many were actually commissioned by the various governments at the time, blurring the line between right and wrong, criminals and heroes. And while it is a pirate novel and not a techno thriller, Crichton's signature style or cramming in as much information as possible is well on display. Crichton obviously did a tremendous amount of research on the historical climate at the time, the geography of the Caribbean archipelago, and 17th century sailing in general. And, having done that research, by god he was going to use it all somehow.

The novel has already been optioned by Steven Spielberg for a screen adaptation, and it is easy to see why. The film is paced somewhat like a Hollywood blockbuster, with one action set piece leading up to the next. The characters are all memorable, if a bit cliched, creating a crew that the roots for, even while they do some truly terrible, piratey things. There is lots of gore here, with bodies breaking apart when hit by cannonballs, and brains splattering on people's faces after they get shot in the head. I would image Spielberg will cut down on some of that, so be sure you read the book first because it's awesome.

So go buy Pirate Latitudes. This novel is a booty call I think everybody will want to answer. Ha ha ha ha...

A-Team Trailer

Yeah, I also kind of thought it was still just a rumor... but I guess not. Check out the trailer here. I'm of mixed emotions at this point. On the one hand, it's an A-Team movie, and this trailer looks like a lot of ridiculous, over the top action that could be as fun as the original TV show. On the other hand, Liam Neeson is the only cast member that has me the least bit excited. Bradley Cooper is handsome, but he doesn't really have the charm o Dirk Benedict. That guy from District 9 thinks he can match Dwight Shutlz's definitive portrayal as Howling Mad Murdock? And who is that guy playing B.A.? I guess he looks ok. 

Avatar

After ten years of waiting, James Cameron's follow up to Titanic finally came out at the end of last month. Just a few weeks later, it's already the second highest-grossing film of all time, right after Titanic. The Oscar-winning, self-proclaimed King of the World can now crown himself King of the Universe. But does he deserve it?

Sure. I guess. Why not? Even before the release of Avatar, James Cameron was one of my all-time favorite directors. Titanic is one of my most-watched, guilty pleasures, True Lies is the best action/comedy film of all time, the Abyss is a science fiction masterpiece, and T2 and Aliens are the two best sci-fi/action films of all time. And now he has Avatar, which was a pretty entertaining movie, as far as these things. I liked it. I imagine it's the kind of film that will grow on me after repeated viewings, but I don't know if I'll be able to verify that theory because, at the end of the day, I really have no interest in watching this movie again. But, you know, I liked it.

Visually, this film delivered on every promise it has been making for the past ten years. If the uncanny valley every actually existed, this film filled it up and paved it over. For all I know, this film was actually filmed on some other planet and featured actual aliens playing themselves. If you had told me there was no CG in this film and that all of the actors were wearing incredibly realistic suits, I would've believed you. The CG in this film was simply, without any doubt or fear of exaggeration, flawless. The planet was perfectly rendered and the characters seemed real and full of life.

I will admit that, as realistic as everything looked, I didn't actually love the visual design of the film. Everything was just too... psychedelic and trippy, like the dorm room of that one friend we all had in college who had too many black light posters and lava lamps. It was just garish and unattractive to my eyes, with far too many sparkly things falling here and there. Also, I had already seen it before in World of Warcraft. The Na'vi and Avatars look like Night Elves and the Planet Pandora looks like their starting location Teldrassil.

Whether or not the 3D added to the visual splendor or took away from it is a matter of opinion, but after sitting through three hours of this film in 3D, it's a gimmick I don't think I ever need to repeat. First of all, I wear glasses already, so having to wear a second pair of glasses in front of my other pair of glasses is incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. The glasses also made the picture dark and murky, which was a striking contrast from the vibrant, bright colors I saw when I'd peek out from under my glasses here and there. And let's be realistic here... this isn't really 3D in any literal sense. All this gimmick does is present different layers of 2D pictures. That is to say, in any given scene, there will be two or three different 2D images that seem either in front of behind the others. Given all that, it's hard to recommend paying more money just to suffer through something that can best be described as, "kind of neat."

About the story, there is very little to say other than that it was even more cliched, derivative, and boring than Titanic. Can somebody tell me what happened to the man who wrote such brilliantly creative films like Aliens and Terminator 2? It's hard to compliment a film's script when the story has already been told dozens of times already, and dozens of times better. You've already seen this film if you've seen Dances With Wolves, Little Big Man, or even Return of the Jedi. It follows the same tired cliche of the white man who becomes disillusioned with his own people so he joins the noble savage race that is about to be wiped out. It's a fine story to be sure -- even an important one, that should be told over and over again -- but at least tell it in such a way that allows for some kind of suspense or surprises or excitement. It was just boring.

And, please, stop making films where I have to root against human beings. I'm a human. Most others in the audience were humans too. This would've been less of an issue if there had been even one Na'Vi who was kind of a jerk. They are really all wonderful, charming, lovable creatures? Couldn't they have thrown in a few Na'Vi who were just dicks for the sake of being dicks? James Cameron certainly had no problem writing human characters who were dicks for the sake of being dicks.

So the movie was boring, until the climactic battle at the end, which was phenomenal. James Cameron may have lost his touch as a screenwriter, but he certainly still proved that his is the best action director of all time. The set pieces in this movie were all incredibly well done, but the final battle was amazing, and the fight between Jake Sully and Colonel Quaritch had me on the edge of my seat. That fight was awesome.

And that brings me to the best thing about this movie: Stephen Lang as Colonel Miles Quaritch. It's not exactly a name that rolls of the tongue, since I certainly can't pronounce it nor did I remember it until I looked it up just now on IMDB, but he was one of the most over-the-top, bad ass villains ever. Seriously, this guy was awesome. James Cameron started strong by creating the Terminator so early in his career, but he has been trying to top that villain in every movie since. He never will top the Terminator as the greatest movie villain of all time -- nor will anybody else -- but he came close with this guy. Every scene with Stephen Lang brought the film alive, even though he was also ridiculously cliched and completely unbelieveable, and as soon as he died (SPOILER!!), I lost all interest. James Cameron must've lost interest too, since about five minutes after the final fight, the movie ended. Which is good, because I was ready to take those damn glasses off and leave the theater.

So... that's Avatar. It was an ok movie that I don't recommend not watching. I certainly found myself entertaining for most of it, though never completely engrossed or moved or completely won over. But I'm glad I saw it, even if I still have a bit of a headache from the terrible 3D glasses.

Happy New Year

"What is going to happen?"

"Something wonderful."

X-Files Season 1

I rewatched the first season of the X-Files recently. I remember watching the first season when it originally aired, and enjoyed it well enough, but I guess not enough to keep watching it beyond that. But I caught an episode on the SyFy channel a little while ago and thought it was good, so I figured I may as well restart it from the beginning. After all, I can't really call myself a true sci-fi geek if I haven't really watched the X-Files.

And... it holds up a lot better than I thought. The entire premise of two FBI agents investigating paranormal phenomena is still a dynamite premise, the two leads are wonderful and charming, and the stories are interesting and well written. However... this is definitely a show that was better watched week to week instead of back to back on DVD over the course of a few hour chunks at a time. The episodes are all a lot of fun and well written, but they are also a little too formulaic and similar when viewed one after another.

Also, it gets a bit silly considering how, after however many episodes, they basically establish that every myth, monster, or paranormal power exists in the X-Files universe. They fight werewolves, vampires, wendigo, shapeshifters, people with telekinesis, and, of course, aliens. And yet, every week, Agent Scully still insists on refusing to believe Mulder when he figures out what every episode's new monster is. After fighting aliens and whatever else, isn't she willing to believe anything else that happens?

But it's all in good fun. And it is fun. I don't know if I'm going to keep watching all 8 seasons (or whatever) and both movies (or whatever), but the first disc of season 2 is already on its way to my house.

Sherlock Holmes

I am a Sherlock Holmes fan.

That is to say, I have read and reread all of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's original short stories and novels (well... I haven't reread all of them, because even a Sherlock Holmes fan must admit that some are significantly better than others), most of the pastiches written by later writers after Doyle passed on, and seen more than my share of film and television adaptations. So when I first heard about the adaptation by director Guy Ritchie, I was... cautiously optimistic.

I was optimistic because the first trailer looked like a lot of fun and the cast -- while not what I would've chosen -- was full of talented actors. I was cautious because Guy Ritchie's previous work didn't fill me with much encouragement that he would handle the property all that well, and, as fun as that trailer was, it didn't really look like a Sherlock Holmes film. Oh, and I was also cautious because most Sherlock Holmes adaptations have been pretty terrible.

Well, I suppose it's not fair to say that most have been terrible, just that they haven't been all that faithful to the original stories. People always want to make Holmes fight Jack the Ripper, or they want Mycroft to leave the Diogenese Society, or they want to either play up or completely ignore his drug use. Only Tarzan has suffered more as a character by the adaptions of his work done by Hollywood. Tarzan never said, "Me Tarzan, you Jane" in the novels and Sherlock Holmes never said, "Elementary, My Dear Watson."

So the film didn't scare me away because it looked like a departure from the novels. I'm used to that. What I was hoping for was a good film that worked on its own, while not getting everything completely wrong.

So I was more than satisfied when it turned out to be one of the best Sherlock Holmes films I've ever seen. No, it wasn't completely faithful to the original stories, but it got more right than it got wrong, and it managed to be just as smart, witty, and clever as I could've hoped. It was a Hollywood action picture to be sure, but the Holmes in this film used his wits just as often as he used his strength, and never departed too far from the heart of the character, who was shown to be an expert boxer and swordsman. Holmes did finally beat Professor Moriarty by outfighting him and throwing him off the edge of the Reichenbach Falls, after all.

I would not have cast Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes, but after seeing his performance in this film, I'm glad I wasn't consulted on that decision. He doesn't look like the popular image of Holmes (which is pretty faithful to the description given by Doyle), nor is he even English. But what he is is an amazing actor who understood the heart of the character better than any actor since Basil Rathbone. In fact, he may even have been the best on screen Sherlock Holmes ever.

And Jude Law was without a doubt the best Watson I've ever seen. He gave a fantastic performance as a character very few filmmakers have understood enough to use as anything more than comic interest. The writers and director Guy Ritchie made the brilliant decision to use Watson as the straight man to Holmes's eccentricities. The friendship between the two characters was better captured and illustrated in this film than even in many of the original stories.

The rest of the cast was good too, but this was definitely the Holmes/Watson show, as well it should be. Rachel McAdams was suitably luminous and bewitching as Irene Adler, though the inclusion of her character wasn't all that necessary. Still, I'm glad they used Adler instead of making up some other character just for the sake of throwing in a female character. The bad guy was the bad guy. That's about all I can say about him.

About the story, I can't say all that much because, at the end of the day, there wasn't really much of one. The whole plot made little sense when looked at as a whole, but it certainly proved enough set pieces and excuses for Holmes to use his deductive detective work. And the fight scenes were awesome, and actually managed to show off Holme's brilliant mind as well as his brawn.

Anyway, go see it. It was probably the most fun film I've seen all year.

And, yes, it was a Sherlock Holmes film, no matter what you may hear from some other people who take things too seriously.

Video Clip of the Week: Conway Twitty

You've probably heard that old cliche about how there are two kinds of music fans: The ones who love the Beatles, and the ones who love Elvis. Well, I'm here to tell you about the third kind of music fan... those who love Conway Twitty. That's the kind of music fan I am. That isn't to say I don't also enjoy the music of Elvis and the Beatles. But there's only one Conway. You'll never see Conway Twitty: Rock Band or millions of Conway Twitty impersonators. That's because... he's beyond compare.

Video Clip of the Week: GREEEEEAT ASS!!!

A lot of people will try to convince you that Heat was a good (perhaps even great) film. They're wrong. I love the internet because it allowed me to find this one scene from this one movie that has always confused, annoyed, and vexed me ever since I first saw it all those years ago:

V

Why were people hyping that FlashForward show as the new Lost when V clearly fits the description a lot more? FF has Penny and Charlie from Lost, sure, But V has Juliet... and the inclusion of Scott Wolfe fills that "former actor from Party of Five" slot. If FF wants to catch up, they'll have to cast Lacy Charbert or somehow track down Neve Campbell. (Talk about somebody who's "lost"!)

Oh yeah, and the pilot episode for V was also really good, while the pilot for FF was a snorefest.

Now, I'm not saying V is going to be the next Lost (or even the next V). I'm just saying that the pilot was really well done and entertaining. Whether or not it's going to become must see TV for us sci-fi geeks remains to be seen.

But it certainly got off on the right track, not just because the premise is lifted from a classic TV miniseries (and, frankly, a not so classic TV series that lasted just one episode), but also because the cast is a sci-fi TV fan's wet dream. I've already mentioned the always talented and completely radiant Elizabeth Mitchell who played Juliet on Lost, but we've also got the luminous Morena Baccarin from Firefly, Joel Gretsch from The 4400 and the Taken miniseries, a cameo by Alan Tudyk (who most people will remember from Firefly, but my girlfriend will know him as the pirate from Dodgeball), and this girl, who played "Supergirl" on Smallville.

I was also excited to see Morris Chestnut in the cast as well, but his credentials as a sci-fi icon are so far limited to this TV series. Let's hope it takes off so I can meet him at a convention someday. The only thing really disappointing about the cast was that they missed the opportunity to cast a real sci-fi veteran to give the show a little more history. Does every major character have to be in their mid thirties? If they had included a role -- or even a cameo -- for somebody like Marc Singer, I wouldn've been blown away. After all, the recent remake of Battlestar Galactica found a really amazing role Richard Hatch, the actor who played Apollo in the original series. This show needs to find a role for Marc Singer already!

But, all in all, it was a well done pilot that seems like it'll be a fun, interesting series about Aliens invading Earth. Let's just hope it's as good as the original mini series was and not as bad as the original ongoing series.

Check it out for free on Hulu and on ABC.

Things I Will Never Do On My iPhone

And if you know me and are confused, no, I didn't buy an iPhone... I still just have an iPod Touch. But for the sake of argument (and to boost any potential hits to this website through a search engine), I'm just going to refer to the device as an iPhone and leave it at that.

Anyway... here are somethings I'll never use an iPhone for:

Read a Comic Book
There are numerous applications devoted to putting comic books on an iPhone, from simple readers that allow you to download digital versions of the books to just the books themselves. Some of these applications are better than others, but all are completely worthless in my opinion. If you want to read a comic book, chances are good you like comic books. The screen of an iPhone is about one tenth the size of a standard American comic book, so the art either has to be shrinked down to the point where it's too small to read, or stretched out and pixelized so it's too ugly to look at. I definitely think that digital downloads will be the future of comic books, but not on an iPhone. No way, no how.

Read a Novel
I have the Kindle app, but I only use it for one reason: To send samples of novels to my iPhone so I can see if I want to go to a bookstore and buy an actual copy for real. It's a neat feature that allows you to read the first twenty or so pages of any book that is currently available for purchase on Amazon's Kindle store. I've never made it through more than five pages or so of any "book" on my iPhone, however, because it gives me a headache and just feels all wrong. The text is either too small to read, or so big that you have to "flick" the page after about two sentences. Sometimes I'll try to read an iPhone book while sitting on the toilet, but I'll usually just give up and read the back of a shampoo bottle instead.

Play any Game More Involved than Tetris
I love videogames and I think the iPhone has incredible processing power, but most games for it just aren't very fun. There's just something unpleasant about rubbing your finger across the screen for longer than, say, two minutes at a time. Also, the fact that you have to put your hands in front of the screen to control the games means you can't see what you're actually playing much of the time. Tetris is fun. Solitaire is fun. Some of the other puzzle games are fun. But I'm not going to play Metal Gear Solid on this thing, thank you very much.

Watch a Movie or TV Show
Apple obviously assumes somebody is watching stuff on their iPhones, because whenever I actually download an HD episode to watch on my computer (hooked into a TV!), it automatically downloads the SD version alongside it. Again, thanks, but no thanks. First of all, if I actually want to put a movie or TV episode on my iPhone, I have to remove about half of my music just so it will fit. Second of all, the screen is smaller than the palm of my hand! Who's watching movies on this thing? I own a Widescreen TV for a reason: I like being able to see what I'm watching.

But that's just me. I don't even have an iPhone.